Kansas Sweet Memories

6-30-18
Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Nope but there are things to do in OKC first. A friend of mine from High School lives here and we are meeting for breakfast and then the OKC Memorial Museum. Yes I know I should see it at night but single woman traveling alone must practice safety.

Beckie arrive a little before 9am and we head to a place in downtown Edmond, Around the Corner restaurant. It was really good and fresh squeezed OJ!! The downtown has all these little statues and fun places to shop. I can and will come back as my friend and I have discovered we can talk in circles and still know what we are leading up to. We sat for an hour talking. I miss that in my life.

She guided me to downtown OKC next for the memorial. Luckily it was early enough it was still cool and not very crowded. We found a quick parking space and walked onto the grounds. All I can say is wow. The peace and tranquility they have created is so deserving for the 168. We then toured the museum. I can only say it is something you MUST experience for yourself. I lived in Wichita, KS when this happened and all the memories it brought back. My brain could only handle so much of it so I hope to return some day to find things I didn’t process. The children are where my heart immediately went. I was a newlywed and two weeks later I got pregnant with my daughter. It wasn’t planned but it’s seemed fate. It makes me want to understand the incomprehensible. I will just say take the trip. It’s worth it!!

 

 

After two hours we got back in the car and drive the nine miles back to Edmond for lunch at this cute little bistro and talked and talked and talked. 35 years and we discovered we were in some of the same places at the same time!! Thank you Facebook and the interwebs.

It was time for me to head north. I wasn’t necessarily dreading driving through KS but it wasn’t what I deemed a highlight. I was surprised as  all the memories came flooding back and all of the changes. I was gawking when I reached Wichita so I missed my exit. It worked out and took me on a memory lane tour of my first husband, our first date spot, our wedding spot. Oh you know, all gone know because of road expansion. It was fitting I guess as things are still there but change happens.
I made my way north with my trusty cooler and Siri. I have her set to take the fastest route for my job. It was nice to take some back roads except small town KS and the great potty ride make me anxious. Yes I’m prepared for emergencies. I stumbled upon a replica of the Statue of Liberty outside Gaylord, KS. Beautiful!!

I finally found a Sonic and Great Potty Ride in Phillipsburg, KS.  This little town took me back to my childhood memories of spending summers in Western KS with my grandma. Same brick streets and small town feel. I miss her so much. I know she would pick me up and love me forward no matter what.

Found the Nebraska state line and watched a storm develop. I have been listening to Janet Evonavich on my audible downloads and wow does this make this trip easier. I made it to I80 and drove straight into the storm. It was 9pm, I couldn’t see so I pulled off for about 20 minutes. The storm finally let up and off I went for bed in North Platte, Nebraska. It’s time for today’s journey to our final destination. I think I need to take some Advil after the 515 miles yesterday!!

Being Brave; Living a Solo Life

BEING BRAVE

LIVING A SOLO LIFE

6/29/18

A PLAN

WHERE SHOULD I GO

Several months ago I decided I needed to just be me. I’m tired of people treating me like I’m an option and not a priority. We as a society treat people as options if they don’t conform to your ways. I have some fabulous supportive people in my life but on the days I can’t do life they back away. I’m generally a positive person but my life is not always a fun place to be. I’m trying to cope. I get out of bed everyday. I go to work and I make plans. Over the years I’ve done things, been places, explored the world. I’ve had company but somehow when the plans come to things I wanted to do I’m the bad one for being upset that I spend thousands of dollars and don’t get to see Hatchards book shop in London because someone else wasn’t happy with the agenda but told me to make the plans. In my world I’m tired of being an option instead of a priority. Scott used to plan with me. We each got to do things but that’s not been the case. I plan for family trips everyone gets to do their thing but when it’s my turn they rearrange the plans. So this became something I needed to do for me. I lost my partner in love and life. I make a new life even when I don’t want to. I’m done bending for people who won’t bend for me. So here we go!!

Where do you say? How do you know where to go? A suggestion from a patient and his wife. An idea was born six months ago. You can go to Mt Rushmore and they have bus tours. You can see the world alone and still be around people. Checking flights, too expensive. Okay let’s drive and see what ever I want. So I mapped a route on the Roadtrippers app.

I ordered the South Dakota State visitors guide. I discovered my patients care that I live. I have used that guide with a patient who used to travel the country. He has helped me map a route. He can’t wait for me to return to see it all since he can’t go. The car is loaded, the snacks are riding shotgun and books on audio are ready to go!! I have my camera and I'm armed with a general plan. I off to be me. I'm off to see me and a bunch of wonderful things along the way. Road Trip!! Deadwood, South Dakota here we come!

RoadTrip

I received the Solo Dice from a fellow SLP as a reminder that I can do this. It is in my power to make my life happen. I do care about the people I'm not good enough for but I am good enough for me. It's taking me a lot of prayer, internal power, meditation and just doing it to make all of this happen. I must keep living. No matter what happens in this life I have been given it I have to keep going. It may not be what I want it's what I have to do. So let's get this motor running. I hope Moose enjoys his cat sitter and doesn't ask for too much Moose time in the middle of the night..

Vulnerable to gratitude

“We are anxious people and we have very little tolerance for vulnerability.”- Brene Brown

Intense feelings of love will often bring up fear of loss. I’ve spent the last 7.5 years finding how to live forward and then things happen and I have set backs. How do I stop fighting my fear of joy, gratitude and happiness? I’ve been attracted to exactly one person in the entire 7.5 years. He’s the only reason I know I could feel again. Just being friends hurts too much. I push away and then I’m not good enough. I can’t be vulnerable anymore. I’m not capable but I am. I have too much fear, yet I still feel the love. Being ripped out of letting myself love someone new because I feel like I’m not good enough to trust, can I survive being hurt yet again?

“ A joyful life is made up of joyful moments gracefully strung together by trust, gratitude, inspiration and faith.” – Brene Brown 

We take those moments and we make a life. Life isn’t perfect. Do I try to be. Not really. It may seem like that to someone on the outside with being organized or doing things completely, being on time. But I don’t mind the piles of mail, cat fur and dust. A list of incomplete projects that I may get to. Until the time they begin to stress me out and I need to fix them. I like to be heard. I like to present an idea and not be shot down. I like to be a thought in someone else’s day that makes them smile. I like to know someone can call me and I see them pop up on my cell and I’m excited after a crap day. Joyful moments, loving someone because they keep saying things that make you question if there should be more or you should walk away. 

My daughter brings me joy. I love her always. I don’t love her behavior, her demands. This isn’t the girl I raised. I like to see pictures of her happy and smiling but we don’t always get our way. When your wants become demands instead of gratitude for the things you have, your life needs a step back. My life needs a step back. Do I do for her because I love her or do I do less for her because I love her more than money?  My choice, not because she demands things certain way. When her behaviors are hurting me I had to step back and reevaluate my own gratitude, joy and faith. I love her but I won’t be a doormat.  

If you have wants and you are unable to provide them for yourself you need to examine where you are. Are you in a moment of adulthood or stuck in between with adult dreams but unable to grab them on your own? If you can’t afford to live on your own without assistance you don’t need to be married. Life can change on a dime. My life is more than the here and now. I had to be able to plan for a future. A life without anyone. It’s not what I want. My family is everything to me but I’m not to them. I made myself vulnerable to my family and they too slapped me back.  

You want to be the center of the world without the work it takes to instantly stay in joy, gratitude and faith. Relationships, all of them, take work. Being a wife, mother, friend, sister isn’t easy everyday. When I don’t see myself as good enough I shut down. I shut out the world. I bury myself in a dark pit of despair. And sometimes all I an do is say I have the strength to get out of bed today. I have to be good enough just for me. I’m still learning how to take the brick wall around my heart but I do love someone and not being loved back is very vulnerable place. I’ve had to learn to be grateful for the joy of knowing my heart isn’t shattered. There is light in the darkness. Does this person love me? I don’t know but that’s okay because I am living forward. I’m good enough just being me. 

“Happiness is attached to to external situations and events and it seems to ebb and flow as those circumstances come and go. Joy seems to be constantly tethered to our hearts by spirit and gratitude.” – Brene Brown

“People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed only of there is light from within.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. 

I see the difference in my own heart. There is still light shining in there. Light from the love Scott taught me how to feel. Light from the vulnerability of loving my daughter even when she pisses me off. Loving someone who can’t love me back. My heart is there, I’m vulnerable. I am more than the holes and roles people assign me to. I love without conditions even when you don’t love me back. I am good enough. I’m ready to soar even when I have to feel again and risk being hurt yet again. 

Good Enough

Honor your commitments. I'm not always the best at this. Sometimes I remind myself why I'm doing something when I'd rather be selfish. There are things I've done I had to convince myself to do. Volunteering for The Army Marathon, going to work everyday, helping one more person than my health should allow, fighting through the pain in my heart to provide a life for my daughter. I do these things because that's where I'm supposed to be. 

I may not have been the best with marriage with H dad. Do I regret that I walked away? Sure but it was the right thing to do for our daughter. She didn't deserve to grow up on the path we were on. It's never been her fault and choosing to make it all right by her was always the best decision. Did I want to hang out with his new wife. Not really but if it meant H got to have both parents for a trip or holiday it was the right choice. It was never easy because she's bossy, controlling and God forbid she has to actually participate with me. Then I'm the one who is bossy and controlling when I can bend no more. I was willing to be there as a family for H. 

I've spent my life doing what everyone else wants. I feel like I'm invisible until I'm an inconvenience and voice I'm hurt. I'm not allowed to have feelings. Everyone just wants to pat me on the head and tell me to be the good little girl. Do you not hear me? So now I'm selfish and self centered because I want my daughter to be able to find her own feet. Marriage isn't a guarantee. Being able to do for yourself before adding more to your life is important. Because I'm the voice of life I'm an inconvenience. Pat me on the head, shut me up and just write the checks, we only need your money. 

I'm not good enough for anyone. If I didn't check into FB each day would you notice? If I died tonight who would notice? Not my daughter, not my mother. My patients would notice only because I honor my commitments to them. My entire life I've never been good enough. I was never a good enough daughter no matter how hard I tried, my brother is always better even though he's had his struggles. I was never a good enough wife. H dad could never defend me against his sister or his mother. I was only good enough for his mom on her death bed when she apologized and told me I was a great Mom and was a good wife (we had just finalized our divorce). I was enough for Scott but now he's gone and I'm not even good enough to send silly cat videos to or jokes. I'm not good enough.

I'm not good enough for my daughter when I ask her to look beyond 22. When I ask her to see life and the future I'm not good enough. I'm only good enough when she gets her way and I'm a checkbook with no questions asked. Now she has her dad to pay the bills. Wow. He couldn't do that when she was younger but to pay for her love now. Check he's got that. Remind him of what it was like growing up with a mom who struggled paycheck to paycheck. At 22 learn to stand on your own feet before you take on marriage and working full time while your husband goes to Med school. Love and money aren't contingent upon each other in my heart. 

I'm not enough to be important to anyone to respect and honor. I'm too emotional. I'm too fat. I don't dress right.. I'm an embarrassment. I'm not good enough as a Mom. I'm sorry I'm too broken. I happen to think I amazing. I know my limits. I try new things and I try to be the best I can be on any given day. That's not good enough for anyone else to love. To have the courtesy to discuss a situation. Oh wait lets just plan things behind her back, maybe she won't notice. Let's block her because she just doesn't get it. That's the problem, I do get it.  

I truly just want to die to be done with this life. I help everyone else. I love my patients. Today I discharged a patient who has her memory coming back in six weeks we did that together. She kept telling me thank you for guiding her. I give them back things I've lost but I don't get to have the same. I'm out of will to keep giving to everyone else and just be good enough when I'm the good little girl who is doing just what everyone else want, when I don't have feelings or emotions. 

I keep going even though I don't want to anymore. My heart isn't in life anymore. You can only take so much of only being needed when someone wants something before you crack. I'm beyond cracked. I'm now so broken I sit alone and cry daily. I wonder what my life has been about when I'm not good enough for my daughter, my Mom, Mike and others. I'm not perfect but I still have a heart. We are ultimately responsible for each other. If we weren't we wouldn't be such social beings. 

Do you know what it's like to be on the phone with a 'friend' who only calls to share their good news? And you listen but when you say something they have to go. Do you know what it's like to have things to say and be told, "we aren't talking about that anymore." Yes just keep your mouth shut, pay for things and don't have wants and needs. Yes I've been to counseling. I'm just tired. My brain hurts, my body is shutting down. I'm broken. I'm not good enough. Words are meaningless but actions say it all. I do so much for others but I'm not good enough. 

Now my head hurts less and I can finish my day. Helping those who need my gifts. Helping those who are in my life for just a short time. Those people I know I impact on a daily basis to keep living forward. Even when I want to curl up in a ball and just be done with life. 

I give you wings and hope you soar.

I've started this a thousand times because we all know writing was handed to me by my therapist years ago in times of stress to deescalate myself. I've been trying.

So let me start by saying the agreement made with H to pay for myself and her dad to pay for college was on the terms that she must finish before becoming engaged. This conversation began when she was in high school and started dating. This conversation had continued over various checkpoints even as she entered into a new relationship and then as she became serious of 'he's the one'. The last major episode was when she changed her major unbeknownst to us. The three of us sat down to discuss after a week of tears and you don't understands to reach a compromise. The last check point was no engagement until you graduate.

You see I have this crazy thought as a mother my job isn't to be her best friend and unconditional love includes making sure she can care for herself without a man. I've lost so much of my heart when I lost Scott but H was always number one. She and I had many discussions about taking time to grow into yourself before you take on the responsibility of a daily full time relationship. It sounds all wonderful but what happens if you are suddenly thrust into a life alone? I don't doubt her ability to finish college but I do doubt her ability to survive the pain if she's never been truly alone.  But in all things she is now 21.

Her dad texted me recently and said her boyfriend wanted to talk to him. We both knew what that meant as I'd been reminding H of her commitment to us. I could see the changes and I was prepared. Or so I thought. She's still not had to live on her own. She's had a part time job, her dad paid her rent/health insurance/sorority while I paid her tuition/car insurance/just about everything else. She was supposed to use her part time job to fund her sorority but she conned her Dad into doing that. I'm never sure what she tells him but when he gets around to even thinking about telling me stuff I know she's lied to him.

During our conversation I asked he made sure her boyfriend, B know of her commitment to us to finish college before becoming engaged and the ramifications. H 'convinced' me she wouldn't even start planning the wedding until she graduated. She had just recently transferred to nursing school two hours from B and is living rent free in his parents garage apartment. That was all fine except it increased the financial burden on myself and her father. Sure rent free is great but she no longer has a part time job so we were funding her lifestyle and the doubling of her tuition. I'd asked repeatedly that she look at a part time job. Most places work well with college students and she had enough free time to play.

She had also had an accident and her car insurance increased by $50 month, she broke her cell phone and I paid for the new one. She broke her laptop or it broke and her dad gave her repair money but then I get the frantic phone call that it was too expensive. I ended up being cheaper to order a new one. Which she and I did together over the phone. Because of the distance she was able to go to her local Apple Store and pick it up. What you all don't know about her behavior patterns is her history of manipulation and giving me the evil Mom status to her dad who then has to back track to find the middle of this. He's a great guy but he sucks at conflict.

When Scott was alive he was magic. He was able to get her and I to meet in the middle. I know I'm not blameless in all of this but I hate people treating me like I'm stupid. I see everything and she knows the rules. She calls her dad frequently after Scott died saying I was mean and she was afraid of me. I can be pushed, I'm human and I yell. I generally calm down let me stew and try to understand the other side. I spend my days analyzing others behaviors trying to help them succeed at life. Sometimes I suck at it for myself but don't we all. The 'I'm afraid of her behavior' generally happens when she has broken a rule and wants to avoid punishment. I'm such a horrible mother as to take away her phone. Now I'm horrible because I refuse to be the bank of Mom.

I actually am very happy for them both. I want them to have a life together. I want them to know live but I also know real life and want them to be prepared. Somewhere they have become convinced it all must happen now. She knew my stance and that I was prepared to stick to my financial arrangement with her. Do I think I'm right? Not always. Do I want control? No!! I want to know I've done my job as her Mom to raise her to take care of herself, love her and for her to know even if she's screws up or I think she's wrong I still love her. 

My bank account does not equal unconditional love. No matter what she thinks, her dad thinks, B thinks or even his parents think supporting my daughter doesn't always mean throwing money at her. Being a good parent equals the hard life lessons. His parents offered me money and told me to give up my Disney trips to make whatever she wants happen. Um first of all I don't even ask my own mother for money, allowed her Dad to not pay full child support and survive on my own as I was taught. You don't know me! Secondly my Disney budget is a separate line item in my accounting. It is my only joy and after everything I've lived through I get to have that. 

I'm trying very hard not to keep score but I've made sacrifices for her that she will never understand. I can't even begin to list then because their is no point and it is what a mother does. She is my heart. She is spreading her wings. I've made the hard choice to step back from her life. Luckily for her she has learned how to manipulate others to get her way. I'm not sure where that behavior began but as her Mom, I'm saddened. I don't want to control her. I want to give her wings. My view of the world comes from being forced to survive on my own. My own mother pushed me and right or wrong I flew. Did she do the same for my younger brother? Nope. His rules were always different. She didn't want me to be like her. I graduated with my Master's at 23. I know how to support myself. 

Her Dad and I were better off as friends. I still love him but I don't regret leaving. I knew it would just get worse. I do, however, regret I couldn't love him together. I do still love him. He gave me my greatest joy in H.  I want her to have wings. If this were about money I would be on the phone with the lawyer getting my car and cell phone back. Do I want to? Sometimes yes because I'm hurt. I feel betrayed. She has chosen to cut me off without talking when I asked for her to talk to me as an adult. Is going to his parents okay place for me to be to talk to them all? Not for my sanity. My health is suffering and bluntly what I can and can't pay for is none of their business. 

I'm going to always be here for her. I'm taking care of her dying cat because I love her. Me loving her isn't based on how I'm treated. Am I hurt by her yes just as I'm sure she is hurt by my decision to honor our agreement but I still love her. She has a life to live. I don't want to stop her but nor do I have to supply the funds. I was willing to find a middle but that wasn't good for her. I can only pray I've given her enough love and values to know she always has my heart. 

My own devices...

My doctor used to say to me "you are not crazy if you can say you are crazy and describe everything that is happening to you."  Do I think she was right? For the most part yes. Yesterday I saw true crazy from a patient's daughter. That is not me. Is it how I feel? YES!! Do I think I set myself up for this? YES!!! Should I walk away from the what I set myself up for? YES!! Have I? Nope!! A big fat NO!!!

I have my reasons but I'm the only one who can decide if they are good enough. Do we ever do things to people to hurt them to get them to leave us? Yup all the time. I've done it personally and it makes me feel worse. When you care about someone, friend, family, loved one, they seem to be the ones we take for granted. Push away when they may need us as much as we need them. Why do we work so hard at not being vulnerable? What is it about human nature that we are horrible to each other?

Am I just a little miss sunshine that can't see the bad in someone? We all have good in us, shouldn't we want to help everyone keep the good shining through? I know I want to be good enough but sometimes the little effort it takes to send a card, a joke, give a hug, hold a hand, have a dinner or a quick call out of the blue is to much for some. I just had a text exchange with my daughter. We have a social event this evening. She was kind enough to tell me if it was to hard for me I didn't gave to go, yet I, only worried about embarrassing her!! I will be fine when I arrive but I want to be good enough for her.

Yes this is the crap week for me. If left to my own devices, I dwell on the lost life I have? Do I still have a great life? YES!!! I make myself push out of my comfort zone. I do things on my own but I also know when I need help to keep going. Should I sometimes be more persistent? YES! I just don't make a very good squeaky wheel. I have a few wonderful people in my life. I would trust them with my daughter. Some were unavailable, one made time and then well it doesn't really matter anymore because I fell through the cracks. Maybe I really am supposed to deal with my own feelings of not being good enough. Yet somehow I continue to trust that people I need will take an hour to help me laugh. Then I realize that in the end it is my problem and asking for help is sometimes beyond what others can give.

I had a friend that I'm actually not very close to text me. I usually know he wants me to go to a meeting and somehow my life is upside down and sideways when this service group meets. He is aware and was kind enough to text say I know this is a tough week and I'm here if you need me. But my own self doubt didn't ask. I'm have no answers that get me a vision of the future but just enough to know it is fine to love someone more than they love you. Love and life really aren't a competition. I, however, would much prefer to have a life filled with love and laughter versus the paranoia, self doubt and worry I find myself slipping into this past week!!

We really do all have problems and helping someone else may lead you to the answers for yours!! Go remind a friend they are important to you!!

Doormat

Waves of grief happen at the strangest times. Most often as I go to bed at night.  I want a life. I live this half life where I work and have the most amazing daughter. You'd think it would be enough. However, I'm left with this feeling of living on the fringes. Never being good enough to love or be loved. I know I am loved but I don't feel whole.

I want. Oh hell I don't know what I want. To be honest last night I dreamed I was able to trade places with a sweet friend who is fighting cancer. She has wonderful children and a loving husband who deserve to have her around longer. I dreamed I got to take her cancer from her. I got my want, to be my spirit self with my love. Nobody wants this broken me. My patients need me. They love me. My daughter needs me. I know because I'm the first person she called in a crisis recently. Is it fair to her that I'm broken? I think frequently why am I still here? What do I need to be doing that I'm not?

I spend all day in the quiet of my car counting white Tundras and praying. If you appear in my thoughts I pray for you. I should be spewing light and love at this point but I just feel not good enough. Am I making any sense? Who knows? Not me! I sat down a few minutes ago and burst into tears. I started praying. All I could hear was "write the blog. Get it out. You aren't alone and you're only able to make sense when the words flow from your fingers. Share your heart, my heart!"

So here I am. My pain filled soul knowing I'm not good enough. I'm broken. I'm overly curvy. I'm too nice and a bit crazy. I want whatever I'm supposed to have but is this all? When you have a connection with someone but you aren't good enough to pursue. When you are just a person that is not enough to risk your heart for. That's me, the wall just gets higher as I fight to find joy. You can only make so many cards, paint so many canvases, cut paper, home projects before it all just becomes mindless activities to waste time doing.

You know when you pray to be surrounded by light and love, guide me, protect me, show me the way and you see the way but someone decides to make a right while your still driving straight. Seven years ago my GPS got off course and I'm lost. I'm ready to wonder off into the desert as the old tribal leaders would do when they knew they were of no use. I wonder if I just backed away from life who would notice! Would you notice if I didn't post for a week? Would you notice if I didn't pull out of my garage? Would anyone notice if I stopped eating?

Just like my patients where I'm sometimes the only one who notices them, would anyone notice me missing? They would because I'm reliable, dependable and always on time. Is that a deficit? I'm here. I haven't gone anywhere but if you don't want me just tell me. Don't leave me here like a doormat only when you need something from me. I'm broken and can't mend on my own. I need to know I'm good enough to be more than your old car you trade in for a younger model. I spend my days helping others become whole, how do I get there too?

Spread Love

Did you know people like to blame and find reasons for their bad behaviors. I'm no different. I'm afflicted just as we all are but I try not to be. Is it an excuse that I have MS or PTSD? No but they are my hurdles. I cope with the challenges and try to overcome. Do people have excuses for being rude and self centered. Sure they do and most often they choose to blame others versus looking into themselves. I know none of us are perfect but those we hurt tend to be those we are closest too. Somehow the bad excuses are forgiven.

I'm struggling with staying in society. I often wonder how someone can choose to know what they are going to do will hurt someone and hide the fact they are doing it. I could point fingers but then I become part of the situation that is the problem. I spend my days thinking of others. I'm always doing and giving. Jealously can be hidden in manipulation. And when someone is called out for being rude you are the horrible insecure person.

I'm trying. I'm really trying. It amazes me how often people I don't even think about try to wiggle into a situation they should just observe. Then I lose my cool when that's what they want in the first place.   If you want my life you can have it. I focus my energy on the things that make me live in the moment but I don't want to be here. A friend died of cancer, a patient had a family member that was murdered recently. I'd change places with them in an instant. I live. I'm not miserable. I have joy. But something is missing. And it gets worse when someone takes the moments I find pleasure in for themselves.

How do you tactfully tell someone to go jump in a lake? You can't so then I become the doormat. It just becomes easier to become nothing. Block people from your life. Become a recluse. I read an article tonight about a woman who became so reclusive her home was falling down around her. The neighbors came in and they all became friends by helping her. I'm by no means a social butterfly. Large groups overwhelm me. People keep trying to get me to their church. I understand why. They care. I have God in my life. I welcome my spiritual side but panic attacks make me struggle with the peace others derive from church groups. My ministry is found in my patients. God's message comes to me through them.

I sat in my car in my garage at 3 am recently. Just sat there sobbing. It's a good thing my job requires me to be in my car frequently because since Scott died it's a comfort zone. I spend so much time considering others feelings before I act some times that I neglect my own needs. I forget others aren't of the same frame of mind or would just rather act then deal later with the consequences. Sucks to be the consequence. Ok back to the car. I thought about turning it on. Then I could truly give everyone the gift of never considering me in their plans again. You know what stopped me? Moose!! He was pawing and crying at the garage door.

I worked the next day. My first patient and his wife find joy in my ministry. A patient, who a week ago could barely count was now speaking in full sentences. My next patient wants to return to her job as a counselor. She keeps inviting me to dinner with her family. My next patient lives alone and also wants to return to her job as a counselor. We laugh and joke and giggle like little girls. My next patient only laughs and smiles with me. She tells me she can't do this without me. My next patient lies in bed at night thinking of stories to tell me of her life and has finally been able to recall her address. My last patient is slowly dying of CHF. His wife need the visit more than he does.

People who should matter in my life choose to make me the bad guy. I get to make someone else's life matter with my patients. A friend recently liked two posts in a row of mine on FB. I texted and asked if the friend had been hit in the head because they stopped liking posts of mine years ago even though we used to talk/text daily. A life change for the friend has made contact less frequent of their part. It is what happens. The response I got was "just wanted you to know I was thinking about you." I was joking but in all jokes are pieces of truth. Life changes it evolves. The people we want to make a priority changes. I get it. I'm not sad. I'm not lonely. I just think I exist but not always sure of the purpose. But my story about my friend is they made an effort to remind me I matter. Life changes but I'm thought of. Those moments show someone you care.

You all can truly get along without me. My child is grown, my parents are busy, my friends have lives, my neighbors are busy. Moose needs me. That water dish doesn't fill itself. I know I'm replaceable. Those are the thoughts of loss and despair. I have them. I fight them. Sometimes one moment at a time. The next time you decide to tell someone their feelings don't matter that life isn't about them, Remember we all need to be loved. We all need to feel special in something that we need, an event we create, a birthday to celebrate, a gift we give, a request for assistance. When someone does something from their heart for you means they need you. Don't step on them and tell them they are unjustified and insecure. If you didn't worry about that you wouldn't hide behind your actions. Spread love not sadness and hate. Ask how someone feels don't just assume. We all matter and if I chose to include you, you mattered.

Listening to understand.

This week has been overwhelming emotionally, spiritually, publicly, nationally, privately, personally and sometimes meanest, cruelest ways possible. Not just for me but I'm sure for others. There are people now grieving who shouldn't have to be there if we would just listen to each other. I can't speak for others, only from my eyes, heart and hurt. If you recognize yourself in anything I write then maybe we all need a lesson.

I make no secret of my personal demons because maybe someone will learn how to help someone else along the way. I think I see our entire nation suffering from PTSD and not enough resources to help those in need. I'm not a gun advocate or opponent. I think our forefathers spelled that out pretty clearly if you want them you can. I don't want them so I don't have one. Our troubles go beyond guns and violence. I have had a conversations recently with others who were put out I choose to voice my thoughts and feelings on my own life experiences rather happy, sad, whatever state I may be in through a manner of my own choosing.

We all have feelings and we all choose to express them in manners that may or may not be acceptable. I'm sure we all agree shooting at people you don't know isn't an acceptable form of expression. But if someone is hurting letting them talk may make you uncomfortable. I think we all just want to be heard. I hear my friends saying they are oppressed and treated unfairly. But know that it wasn't me. I just don't know how to make it right except acknowledging your feelings and listening. We as a individuals need to have the hard discussions about living forward and loving each other. My life experiences make me different than you but that doesn't mean my life has been easier or harder. I work everyday to get out of bed. I'm the only one who can make that choice.

We all need to listen with love and understanding. If someone tells me their feelings are hurt I don't get to decide they aren't. I can choose to listen to their pain and need to be a better friend for them. If someone tells me that someone else hurt them I can't change their pain but I could make them hurt worse by not listening to their pain and deciding I knew what they needed more than they did. That is our problem. We don't listen and respect one another. Our pot stirrers don't want us to listen to each other they only want us to be in distress. They want to swoop in and fix at just the right time to make themselves look better.

I'm losing my train of thought in the emotions of the week. Life may not be all holding hands and singing camp fire songs but we have to reach out and hold hands. We have to find a common point of life. It may be through loss, birth, tragedy, joy, pain or love but it's there. We all have a common bond in life and that is the ability to feel. If you can calmly tell someone that they don't have the right to feel then you are part of the problem. That shooter may have had feelings but his expression wasn't acceptable. A dear friend of mine taking her own life wasn't acceptable. We need to be okay with expression with words. We need to listen for understanding not response. I don't need someone to fix me I need someone to hear me say I'm hurting. I'm the only one who can keep myself going but being acknowledged and not fixed to be molded in what another wants me to be. I am my life experiences and I just want to be told I'm enough and I matter. I'm not broken just a little bent.

We all want to be enough for someone. We all want to be loved for who we are. The only person that can change me is me. My emotions matter, your emotions matter. We all matter. We all love. And it really is okay if my feelings get hurt, I can express that, make you uncomfortable, and we grow from the experience. Life is full of challenges don't let someone steal your joy. Start with yourself and listen to understand not to comment. You may learn something about your own heart along the way.

Six Years and Counting

I've tried over the years to know how to keep my emotions inside but I've learned I can't do it. I end up needing to be checked into the psych unit. I don't get why people think I have to live by their rules so I just don't bother anymore. I know my limits and refuse to be a pawn in someone else's games. I rarely ask for something from others unless it's important to me. I'm really good at hearing what others want and helping them achieve. That doesn't work in the reverse. I end up disappointed and crying for days when I feel stepped on. I get over it. Life moves forward and I retreat into my best space alone.

I have a few people who take the time to hear me say what I can't put into words. Those people have really been the lifeline for me over the past six years. Scott, however, was the only one who was there without me needing to speak a word of what I wanted. He could look and just know. I never had to ask twice and sometimes I never had to ask at all. My other half. He made me a better person and now I fail miserably except with my patients. If I ask for something it's not to hear myself speak. I ask because I can't do it alone.

I'm not a selfish, self centered person. When I'm doing something I rarely do for myself. Even working on scrapbooks or craft projects my thoughts are always for H after I'm gone or the person who is to receive. Driving my Mom to a family reunion because she didn't really need to go alone, cooking for myself and making exrtra for my freezer friend. I get out of bed everyday for my patients and my daughter. I have no other reason to live.

I really wish I could do away with the calendar. Wipe it clean and not remember dates. Except my brain has a computer that knows days and love association. June and into July are big ones. I function, barely. One of my patients told me I deserve to be in a funk one day when she said I looked off. She made me tell her it was Scott's birthday. No matter how hard I try those happy times should still be happening but I'm left with the tears and dates on the calendar. Should of, would of, could of are always part of my forever vocabulary. I can see myself walking down the aisle of The Castle to the music from Impressions de France to a man who never once had anything but love in his eyes for me wearing the attire we lovingly picked out together that I chose to bury him in.

Next week is my birthday and due to some unfortunate events and happiness for others I will work and go home to my kitties. My birthday has only ever been a priority to Scott. It happens when a major holiday and summer are involved. He knew the depth it bothered me to be pushed to another date. He just knew my heart. I will never replace that. I will never try. I will get out of bed for my patients and my daughter. I will continue to do for others because that is where my heart goes and someday I will get to walk down the aisle to the man who will forever have my heart in the castle of his design. Happy Anniversay six years and counting My Love.

Life Moves on but then it doesnt...

Tonight I was fortunate enough to have dinner with a very nice lady who has become a friend in a few short months. I was reminded of how far my life has moved on but yet it still feels like yesterday. I'm living alone with my house of cats in a new place and my wonderful job. I have neighbors I adore and invite me to dinner. They love me for me. My cat waits for me at the back door when he hears the garage, comes when he is called, digs my makeup out of my bag and loves me without question unless I forget to do his bidding. I have a daughter who calls me from college just to chat when she needs me. My parents love me and build shelves for me. My insurance agent friend knows I need to be taken care of when I'm rear ended. My BFF finds a flight to leave the frigid north to come see me soon. I have a life of love and laughter. I have blessings. I am fortunate.

Tonight I was reminded that we need to share our blessings. Allow others to be an ear when we are sad, be a sounding board because we may discover an answer we didn't see. I came home tonight pulled into the garage and looked all around at the things high on the shelves of all that Scott left behind. Those things don't keep me warm, they don't hold my hand, they don't hug me when I need to be comforted. I looked around knowing I was walking into an empty house that I didn't have too. I could be done with life surrounded by things of a memory. But then I always remember that may only fix my problem but creates more for others.

I don't need to be fixed, I don't want someone to fix me. I just keep one foot in front of the other to help someone else. I tell my patients everyday, they aren't a project for me. I'm just hear to listen and guide them to fix themselves. I'm bossy but you get to do all the work. There is not a person in my world who needs to be fixed. We are all chipped and cracked but we are all miracles. I've never been perfect but I keep going. My life changed but it really hasn't. I'm still me. I'm still here just a new me.

There are many days when I think I don't matter but then the random Friday night call from my beautiful girl talking and sharing and needing to have her Mom, the friend who is going through a hard time but needs space before accepting a shoulder, the patient who had a stroke at 27 and can finally stick her tongue past her lip because she has been frozen in her body, the patient who graduates from therapy today eating, drinking and no trach, the stick I received my sweet neighbor boy because he loves me as I talk to his Mom about medical things she is having or the text from my Mom sharing the floor tile she can still do at 70+. I matter to people and I make a rosy spot in their lives. It would matter to them if I weren't here. Just like it matters to me that Scott is gone, BetsyAnn left us, and others before them. My heart is fuller because they loved me but sad because they left with so much still to do.

Now how do I convince someone that it is OK to take a hug on a bad day? The greatest gift we can give one another is kindness and compassion. I can't fix anyone and some days not even myself but I can love. In the end that is really all I have of any value. Now off to contemplate where I'm supposed to be or do next because the message I'm receiving in my heart says it all just not how to get there.

I Need You

I can't decide what is worse, being left to spend the rest of your life loving someone who is gone or the loneliness of knowing what true happiness means and not being able to communicate to someone they have reserved seating in your heart. 

I guess in the end it really is just one thing - loneliness. Crying myself to sleep seems to be the norm but there are times when I go to sleep with a smile on my face that covers a brilliant day. Most of the time it's just about me and my memories. 

I'm not sure how to change that. How do you let someone else in or trust that what you feel is true? How do you trust that maybe a really good friend is all that you are ever meant to have? How do you trust that there could be more to life? How do I live without? 

It's one of those motions days for me. I live but sometimes I feel invisible. Do you see me or do you just see this sad person with no joy or spark? I'm living but do I enjoy living like this? No not really. I smile, I laugh, but my heart aches for a life I will never be given a chance to have. I just want someone to look at me beyond the grief monster, to see my heart and help me feel again. To take my hand and love me. To see me across the room and smile with joy because you were waiting for me to appear. To accept that love is more than a physical experience but a mental connection that takes all the pain and loneliness and transforms into just knowing that all is right side up in the world. 

To know that someone is there for it all good and bad. Not knowing that anymore is the loneliest feeling ever. Not having a hand reach out to hold yours for no reason at all or all the reasons makes life seem a little less full. 

Celebration of Life 2015

It's time to make a large step. As if selling the house and looking for properties wasn't enough I'm taking this Celebration of Life trip alone. Well kind of alone. You all get to join me through the magic of FB. 

This all started about three weeks ago. I was supposed to go to St Louis again this year to see and support my Aunt as my Uncle passed away in February. Some things changed and I was left with a sense of loss. Easter and Scott's Angel day are once again together. Now why Easter moves every year and Christmas stays the same I don't understand. But in my world I get two weekends of grief and every so often just one! 

I'm glad Easter falls with Scott's Angel day this year but it makes my compensatory strategy difficult. Everyone I know has a family to celebrate life with this weekend. I do too but I'm not a great spirit. I do get a bit morose over this weekend and I know the only way around is distraction. Betsy was always great at helping me. She just knew what to do. I miss her so much too!  

So there I was with a plane ticket to switch. Thank goodness for Sputhwest! In three hours I'd contacted my personal travel agent booked a room at WDW, changed my flights, made fast pass reservations and a few dining reservations. I told the people closest to me and a few others like my patientss so people knew where I was going to be. 

I've counted my days down, got a surprise of a ressie at Be Our Guest for breakfast and a few days ago I was able to get a dinner reservation there also. So here we go I'm going to do something just for me and my ability to cope with the requirement of living forward. Here we are five years later and I couldn't have done this without all of you!! Please enjoy this trip with me!!

Control

Changes in my life happen most of the time when I don't want them to! This is something I can control. I can work and pay my bills. I can choose the clothes I wear each day. I can decide what to eat. I can control how I pack up a life that will never be. I can control how I live forward in the pieces that matter to me. I can't change the event that caused the grief in my life. But I do control how I handle my reactions.

So here I go making and keeping an appointment with a realtor. It is exactly how I imagined and I need to do the things I exactly thought. Now I need to do them and sign the contracts to put the house on the market. I also need to go to the other end and do the preapproval process for a new home. But what do I want? Where do I want to be in my life? What am I looking for in a new step in life?

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop" - Confucius

Hmm! Sounds like excellent advice. Great words of wisdom. Five days equals five years and I can still tell you all of our last moments together. I can still see the joy of happiness over the mail he brought me with our last WDW trip together photos enclosed. I can still taste the great meal we had at the Japanese place after the friends we were supposed to meet couldn't be bothered to see us for dinner. I love how those moments turned into amazing couple time. Our last weekend together was made just for us. I can tell you about the last Easter egg hunt I arranged for the girls. It wasn't until this last fall did I finally throw out Scott's candy from his basket. I still have my plastic bunnies full of ferro Roche. I'm sure it's not any good but well it's on my list of slow things to get throw away. I'm further than I ever imagined.

It is time to celebrate Scott's life and his Angel day. No matter where I go or what I do this day will always belong to him. It is a day I will always need to celebrate a love that I will always have. The smells, touches and sights of him fade but my heart knows the feeling of love for him. No matter where the next steps in life take me it is because of him I know how to accept love. It is because of his love I'm willing to be loved again. I may be taking that step as slow as a turtle but if it's meant to be it will be there when the time is right.

So here I go with the next step. Lord help me I may pack myself in a box and ship myself to the looney bin for deciding to move. And there go the to do lists in my brain.... Where will I live if the house sells!!!!

Shell Game

We used to have this argument about being alone and living alone. This was a very true discussion after the only thing we fought about. I finally told him very honestly that I was capable of taking care of myself and I didn't have to deal with the issue at hand. The only thing we fought about. I was not passive aggressive about it just frank. The only difference was as I told him I choose to be with him. I wasn't going anywhere. Little did I know he would show me just how right I was about being able to take care of myself. 

I'm doing it but it's not what I really want. I've been doing a bunch of reading as always. It doesn't matter what I read, a book on God, being thankful for what you have, a self help book, a mystery or just a plain ok romance novel, I find messages everywhere. The latest I read was an article in psychology today about widows and love. It was spot on. I'm going to have to find the article and share. It's not that I don't know what I want moving into my future but goodness I never want someone to think they would ever have to compete with my dead man's pefect love. That would be a big part of my non interest in dating. I do miss things but that doesn't mean I truly ever could handle someone else in my life. I laugh when I think about our 'perfect love'. That's such a joke. 

We fought. I slammed doors, yelled and screamed. He walked off and Lord knows we made up and he left me to fend for myself. I don't trust myself to keep someone around except in the friend box and side hugs category. I talk about wanting more but it's been so long I think I would pass out. 

I just miss someone caring about me enough to want more than that. I just happen to know I good with being stuck in this kind of purgatory, living in my Miss Haveshim world of Great Expectations. At least I don't sit around staring at a dehydrated wedding cake in my faded dusting wedding gown. It's all bundled in the closet just as it was the day I picked it up - never worn. 

As five years approaches in seven days I know I'm alive but am I really living. Am I good as a stuck in the mud. The term crazy old widow keeps coming to mind. Maybe that's why H is pushing so hard to get me out of this house. She knows I need to keep living forward but I think the anxiety will be the death of the rest of my shell. 

Water Falls

What a day in my little world. Lots of tragedy in Central TX today. Lots of people effected and lives gone. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how short our lives really are. We can decide but most people don't and sometimes if you try things go wrong. I try to make a difference in little ways for people one by one. I'm not sure if there is anything else I can do. Life is over to fast. Take all the moments and enjoy each one.

I had a long discussion with a teacher of one of my austistic patients. He has aged out of the system but still needs help. His teacher is an older Chinese woman. We talked about life, dreams and our purposes. She explained that in China water is significant for change. Amazing to me as that is truly how my life changed, water.

Is there more water in my future? The ebbs and tides of life day it will be as always fluid. I know lives were changed today irrevocably. I would never wish the pain and heartache on another person losing a love in a way you wonder what they felt or even knew. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder about Scott's last moments. Did he know? Was I given the gift of  "it's okay! I love you!" as last words.

I spend so much time by myself during the day I could compose the greatest novel if I could type and drive. Somehow my minds only goes back to one thought, love! As if it always seems to be the answer. My greatest love will always be my greatest blessing from God. There will never be anyone more important to be than my baby girl. One day my time will be over and I know the greatest gift I can give her is love.

My mind has been running faster today than I can drive my car. If I could lose calories thinking I'd be so skinny I'd eat all day long. I realized today somewhere in the last five years I'm okay. I'm really okay. I'm living each day and making a difference in lives each day. I have a new patient with ALS. They offered him Hospice but he chose to stay with me because I am making a difference in his life. At least someone needs me. I know that seems like a crazy thought but given what I do but there are still days I do feel unwanted. Crazy I know that in this amazing life I don't get to be kissed again. I want to have that part of my life back. I have to stop rushing myself when there isn't anyone who is even remotely close to that. The thing that sucks the most is knowing I can't go back. I just get to keep living forward into whatever that means. For a person who hates surprises this is the hardest life ever. Be patient and don't push. Get negative Nelly out of your head. There must be someone else who will love me like that again...

Getting Home

The hardest thing about being alone is the lack of someone to share your life with. Not just a body in the house but really talking to someone. The lack of communication about important day to day things. The how was your days and sharing a meal. I had a taste of that twice last week when I had dinner with friends on two different days. I thought I'd fallen off the nightmare wagon into the best dreams ever spending hours talking about real things not patient small talk.

The next big thing is not having someone ask you where you are and your guesstimated arrival time and miss you if you don't show up on time. It's really funny but I'm crazy punctual and one of those running late call and let you know people. My patients can tell time by me. One of them teasingly gives me grief when I'm four minutes late. Do you know what it means to have someone let you know they are on their way? Yup both friends did!!

I miss the other parts of a relationship but not as much as the giggling,  laughing, story telling, serious mind blowing conversations and hugs. Who doesn't love someone in their life who trusts you with their day? Dinner alone also sucks. I guess I don't really eat alone when I have a stealth kitty trying to steal bites but super special to sit at the table with a glass of wine and take out nachos or pizza! Who says cooking at home is required.

I also miss complaining about stuff left all over the house. I like things in order but I find myself leaving my clothes or shoes somewhere just so I can gripe at myself. There is also no one to gripe about not doing chores. Which is good because I hate being cranky. I guess what I'm truly saying is living alone has it's perks but the negatives are greater. I do manage to entertain myself but spend more time working than I really should. I also find myself using FB as a way to say hey if anyone cares I'm headed home and it was a really long beautiful amazing day.

So if you have someone like me take the time to share an evening with them!! It will make their day feel less lonely. You too may save a life and not even know!!!

Socks

Why yes of course I can!! So strange things happening in my house again!! I walked into my room and there were socks everywhere!! The door was closed so no cats were in there and the socks were in the basket by my dresser. A sock was on my nightstand by my picture of Scott!! Really!! What is the meaning of socks all over my room? Is there a message because it's much easier to decipher the radio and the dimes all over the house?

I didn't hear back from the real estate agent so I'm back to second guessing myself. Do I really have enough reason to leave my comfort zone. Lord knows I've dealt with enough change. I'm a very old person in a middle aged body!! Maybe that's why I prefer the company of my cat, my patients, my family and a very select group of friends. Not sure why people go overboard impressing other people when if you treat everyone with kindness life is amazing.

Well so let's see how I can keep myself motivated this next week. What should I do with myself? What part do socks play in my crazy Angel messages? I need to focus on something besides my heart. Anyone have any suggestions? I don't have enough energy to do anything besides work and sleep. It's time to stop dreaming of something that I can never have and just go with what I have!! So maybe moving isn't the answer today! Maybe I'm better of as the crazy old widow lady who scares the neighbor children with the evil eye!!

Everyone should be scared of me I really am crazy, socks move on there own in my house and it's March Madness so you do know the TV changes channels on its own! I really don't like basketball!! I don't need an anxiety attack!!

Ok I'm going to go put the socks in the drawer!! Maybe my message is the socks should be put away!! I'm not the laundry fanatic in this house. I'm good if it's clean and I get dressed out if the dryer!!

My Place in the Sun

It's one thirty in the morning and somehow this seems like a place to be. I can't believe in a little over a week five years will have passed. Today I made a huge leap to contact a real estate agent to schedule an appointment to put the house on the market. There are plenty of things to do before that happens but it just seems like it's time to take another step into the world of living forward.

I'm lost in my life but I have this amazing life I should care more about. I struggle each day to come to grips with the fact that is really is okay to always love Scott and the possibility of loving another. Scott has his box in my heart and that will never change but when you have feelings that you can't express for someone else - that just knocks me to my knees. I can only tell you how many prayers I've said. Then I look in the mirror and I don't even see the person Scott loved.

One of my patients the other day remarked how she felt stupid and unable to get herself back after her brain injury. I looked at her and said, "that is like me telling you I'm unlovable because I'm fat." She laughed and told me I'm the most beautiful person she knows and my heart is filled with love, kindness and compassion and anyone who doesn't see that doesn't deserve me. I told her it works that way for her too. She is smart, funny and has more artistic talent in her little finger than I could ever imagine. What would I do without my wonderful patients? They keep me going each day.

I was just playing with the computer and my google account when I found lists on my google drive that Scott and I had shared. Guests lists, to do lists, trip planning, honeymoon planning and tears filled my eyes. How is it possible to have so much love for someone who had his faults but is now only an Angel in my life? I can hear him telling me I'm on the right path. I can hear him telling me it's okay to have feelings, that he would expect nothing less and will never let anyone less than what I need be in my life. Those gut instincts must always be trusted. I still remember when decisions were made and conversations were had about where Scott and I needed to be for happiness. One day I looked at him and said, "do you want to live the rest of your life without me or do we take what moments God has given us and live life to the fullest?"

We all know how that worked out we just didn't happen to get very many moments but darn it if we didn't make the best of those moments. I wish the person I see in the mirror could say that again. I'm not as fragile as I was five years ago but life has given me panic about being brave enough to say things like that again. So here I am at 1:45am on a Monday night talking to a cat with my brain going 1000 miles an hour. I just keep hearing my own negative Nellie saying your not good enough to be anymore than what you currently have. I keep reminding myself I've walked so many steps forward, why can't I have more? Why can't someone see me for who I am on the inside not the sad, fat girl with a stupid disease on the outside?

So maybe this wasn't the best idea for me tonight but it allowed me to get the crap out of my head and walk forward again tomorrow. I've forgotten how much easier it is for me to write down where I am when I'm stuck in my own thoughts. How the words just flow from my fingers without a thought. Just like I do everyday with my patients, I focus on their needs without a second thought. I am where I'm supposed to be but Moose isn't always the best listener.

Working on finding my place in the sun....

Thoughts on a Plane

A trip to keep going. I'm not sure how it happens but I keep growing older. As I sit here on the airplane I wonder what my goals in life should be. Scott is gone, Hannah is going to college. I have thing to do to keep me busy but is it really enough?

My heart hurts with all of the loss but in the same breath my heart needs to give and receive.  I'm trying to make each day fulfilling but I'm not a person who does well being alone. I still don't understand the last three years and the events that I can't change. I know I'm not supposed to but my rational brain wants to understand why I'm not good enough to keep what other people have. 

I may not be skinny, young, beautiful and athletic but I do have a big heart that does hurt. I don't understand what is wrong with me. I have some really amazing friends but that's not enough. I miss the romance and love that was my life with Scott. I know he didn't die on purpose but I'm still mad at him. 

I still read trying to be rational and comprehend what my life is now but that isn't my life's plan I guess. I don't have it in me to impress others. What's the point anyway. I am who I am. All the good and bad in my life has brought me to this point 44 years later. I don't know if I will ever have it in my heart to put myself out there for a romantic relationship again. 

I still don't think in could even conceive holding hands and making plans for a future. I don't think I have it in me to be special in another's eyes. The other day I went into the jewelry store to pick up a gift. Those wonderful ladies always remind me how much Scott loved me. They keep telling me how our last pictures together shows how much life was right. 

I want to be where I'm happy again but I don't think I will ever get that reward again. I just get to be the sad, fat woman with MS who can't do anything for myself. I don't know why I having such thoughts on inadequacy but I am. I guess it's because I'm sitting next to this annoyingly happy couple on the plane. I just keep thinking I will never get to grow old with someone. I have to protect myself now and it's not very much fun. 

No one to text me all day long. No one to ask me a thousand crazy questions. No one to call Susan to tell her to make sure I don't overdo on our adventures. I've gotten really good at covering up the sadness but my heart hurts. The only got texts from five people for my birthday.  Granted I got to hug some people in person and a lot on Facebook but not a single phone call from even my Mom. I held on to my phone like a lifeline. I hate 'special' occasions these days. It's like I have to brace myself to hang on because its all never going to be right again. 

Stupid cute, skinny, happy couples who get to snuggle and make plans for the future. I'm sorry I'm such a downer but this is where my brain is after that flight. Now to return to the one person I love the most for a few hours before she heads to drum major camp for the week! I know I'm not the only one who is alone with these feelings but I hate feeling jealous of other people's happiness. Why don't I get to be happy that way? I feel cheated!