Today started out very rough. I still don't know whether to treat Christmas like any other Saturday or fill it with others. I'm really okay with just spending the day alone and not worrying about anyone else. If other people are around I feel huge amounts of guilt for not making it a day that they enjoy. I hate that being the widow makes people feel like they have to walk around on eggshells. I do need TLC. I'm not saying I don't. What I really need is to come home to the Christmas elves but then if then it might just stay up for two years without coming down! Is there anything wrong with that either?
I'm full of pain but I'm having a hard time convincing others that I can be taken care of in the bad days but also I'm good at telling you when I need more or to back off. Just ask Betsy she'll tell you what I mean. I have promised I will never actually do anything to cause myself harm. Now close your eyes if you don't want to be shocked right now. I can tell you I think of different ways my future passing may happen! I blame it on TV crime shows. I won't actually do anything but South Oak Cliff at night... Yeah right I was scared enough in the daytime going to the Texas Fairgrounds like I'm gonna hang out at night there! We are all taught to protect ourselves if we are attacked and how to fight back. I don't know if I could say fight or flight would kick in. I have to believe it would but I'm not going to intentionally put myself in harms way!!!! I have made that promise.
I had to go to Dallas for a meeting for work. We had our Program Director Christmas Party and I was following the destructions just fine but I missed the easiest turn. I even looked right at it as I was driving by. I went to turn around and somehow I got all out of directional alignment. That is very unusual for me. I believe that Scott decided I needed an extra large does of Christmas lights. The ones at home just weren't doing the trick. I ended up driving around Highland Park area in Dallas. High faluting homes of the rich and famous Dallas socialites. They hire people to put out these lights. They offer carriage rides through the neighborhoods for romantic light tours. The only lights I've ever seen that beat these are the ones on The Plaza in Kansas City and maybe some of the lights in Disney World.
I love Christmas just ask anyone who knows me how much! This year not so much. I can't stop crying and it is getting worse as the holidays get closer. Yes I know I've earned a free pass to do only what I want this year but somehow I feel Scott pushing me to keep going. I hope that makes sense. He would always grumble, good naturly at me about my Christmas fetish but he got right in and joined the fun. I have to explain more of the magic of Christmas lights though. Last year we hung the lights, just the two of us, to surpise the girls. While we were hanging the lights Scott managed to slide down the ladder that I was holding for him. Yes he landed on me. No we didn't fight and for a bit I thought one of us was broken and it wasn't me! Those lights were magical because they were hung with love. I don't think there was ever anything he did for me that wasn't with all the love he could demonstrate. I wasn't always willing to listen but I would tell him, "I can't handle... but I love you."
Christmas is about love and light and a journey that begins. Each day I ask for God and Scott to surround me with their light and love. I'm trying to recognize those moments because they do happen. However tonight was a literal meaning. Yes Scott I see you have surrounded me with light. Now I'm trying to take one more step forward through this journey of healing. Just please all I ask is that you keep holding me and guiding me. I do see the light. I'm just stuggling with the steps at the moment.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Lights for the Holiday
Tonight we had a bit of time to kill between the HEB and taking Hannah to Young Life. We ended up driving around looking at lights with the Christmas Pops playing on the radio. Rough and not as enjoyable as last year. We drove around as a family several times but the one I remember most was after picking Hannah up from church but before we dropped Laynie off at her Mom's house. Scott and I held hands and Laynie described all the lights she saw. Hannah helped point them out to her and it was all like the world was brand new for her. We had so much fun and we talked about the lights we wanted to do next year from looking at others lights. Nope my heart isn't in something I love to do this year but I tried. I'm really trying to get there.
In the grocery store we went down the cereal/candy aisle. It is funny that candy and cereal are paired together but aren't they for the most part the same ingredients? Scott loved bringing home boxes of cereal, strange cereals! I have an almost full box of chocolate cheerios in the pantry. Someday I may decide to throw it out! As I'm standing looking for the cereal I'm craving, one of our favorites, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, when I look to the candy. Up on the top shelf was a huge, giant plastic container of Banana Laffy Taffy. How many people would eat only the Banana? Scott! He would pick all the banana out of the Halloween candy bag of Laffy Taffy. I'm standing there in the aisle with tears in my eyes. Hannah looks at me and says what is wrong. I tell her I found the perfect gift! She wrinkles her nose and I hear yuck. I tell her it would have been the perfect gift for Scott. I love finding crazy things like that for presents that show someone that I really do know them and love them enough to remember funny little things in gifts.
So I'm not ready for decorations in my house but I still wish I had an army of Santa's elves that show up and took care of me. That were able to give me a little piece of the meaning of Christmas. My heart hurts to much to try on my own. Free Pass, that's what I keep telling myself. At times though I feel him telling me to do the things we loved to do together. I've made so many steps. I'm not just sitting still and letting myself fade away to nothing even on the days I'd like to try. Listening to John Mellencamp sing, "save your time for living... cast your eyes up to Heaven... try not to be judgemental so others will not judge you... could it be there is nothing more at all? Save some time for your family and yourself" Yes the music does it's magic once again when I least expect it! I rarely watch Letterman but WOW! I think I found a new CD I have to buy - John Mellancamp "No Better Than This"
In the grocery store we went down the cereal/candy aisle. It is funny that candy and cereal are paired together but aren't they for the most part the same ingredients? Scott loved bringing home boxes of cereal, strange cereals! I have an almost full box of chocolate cheerios in the pantry. Someday I may decide to throw it out! As I'm standing looking for the cereal I'm craving, one of our favorites, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, when I look to the candy. Up on the top shelf was a huge, giant plastic container of Banana Laffy Taffy. How many people would eat only the Banana? Scott! He would pick all the banana out of the Halloween candy bag of Laffy Taffy. I'm standing there in the aisle with tears in my eyes. Hannah looks at me and says what is wrong. I tell her I found the perfect gift! She wrinkles her nose and I hear yuck. I tell her it would have been the perfect gift for Scott. I love finding crazy things like that for presents that show someone that I really do know them and love them enough to remember funny little things in gifts.
So I'm not ready for decorations in my house but I still wish I had an army of Santa's elves that show up and took care of me. That were able to give me a little piece of the meaning of Christmas. My heart hurts to much to try on my own. Free Pass, that's what I keep telling myself. At times though I feel him telling me to do the things we loved to do together. I've made so many steps. I'm not just sitting still and letting myself fade away to nothing even on the days I'd like to try. Listening to John Mellencamp sing, "save your time for living... cast your eyes up to Heaven... try not to be judgemental so others will not judge you... could it be there is nothing more at all? Save some time for your family and yourself" Yes the music does it's magic once again when I least expect it! I rarely watch Letterman but WOW! I think I found a new CD I have to buy - John Mellancamp "No Better Than This"
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Forever Darling
The time, oh the time, it travels fast and slow. My heart feels like it was yesterday and my calendar tells me it has been eight months since he told me "Its okay, I LOVE YOU!" I did believe those words when he left the house. That is how he got out of here. I don't believe all of them anymore. I know he loves me but It's not OKAY! I will never be okay again. I'm forever changed. He changed me.
Today we watched a Lucille Ball and Desi Arnez movie Forever Darling. In it Lucille Ball had a line about loving as husband and wife. That you are great loves, brother/sister, best friends and all the things in between at all times. That really was our life together. I made a pumpkin pie yesterday and I sent the picture on to several people. One of those being Mike. His comment was that I've made them before my relationship with Scott why would that be so hard? Yes I had a life before Scott and Mike was part of that life but how do you explain to the man who is your friend and the father of your child the loneliness and isolation that is some days my entire being. Mike has Pamela and yes we were married before. No my life didn't stop with Scott's death but all the new memories and life we had created were so powerful. We never wanted to ride ourselves of our past but we did love making our own memories together. We so weren't done making those memories but God had other ideas.
I don't get the Forever Darling with him physically but I do get to infinity and beyond for the love we have for each other. My life will continue to step forward. I won't be sad and empty forever but right now it does still feel like yesterday. I'm taking steps to live but just as an infant that didn't just happen in a day. There are so many if onlys surrounding my heart but right along side is all the love I never knew was possible. I love Mike but the love for him is different then my love for Scott and maybe someday there might be someone else to love but if not it's okay because right now I have to just focus on living! Even when I don't want to!
Today we watched a Lucille Ball and Desi Arnez movie Forever Darling. In it Lucille Ball had a line about loving as husband and wife. That you are great loves, brother/sister, best friends and all the things in between at all times. That really was our life together. I made a pumpkin pie yesterday and I sent the picture on to several people. One of those being Mike. His comment was that I've made them before my relationship with Scott why would that be so hard? Yes I had a life before Scott and Mike was part of that life but how do you explain to the man who is your friend and the father of your child the loneliness and isolation that is some days my entire being. Mike has Pamela and yes we were married before. No my life didn't stop with Scott's death but all the new memories and life we had created were so powerful. We never wanted to ride ourselves of our past but we did love making our own memories together. We so weren't done making those memories but God had other ideas.
I don't get the Forever Darling with him physically but I do get to infinity and beyond for the love we have for each other. My life will continue to step forward. I won't be sad and empty forever but right now it does still feel like yesterday. I'm taking steps to live but just as an infant that didn't just happen in a day. There are so many if onlys surrounding my heart but right along side is all the love I never knew was possible. I love Mike but the love for him is different then my love for Scott and maybe someday there might be someone else to love but if not it's okay because right now I have to just focus on living! Even when I don't want to!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Safe to Pity Party?
Just when I think I can have a pity party all to myself something else happens. Today I made my own Thanksgiving favorites. Lots of food leftover but well I found my own way to comfort myself with just that one tiny plate of food. Hannah will have plenty to eat when she gets home. I may make an exception and eat a bit of leftovers tomorrow. Hannah had regional band tryouts today. She wasn't playing because well as she keeps saying, "I'm just a freshman." She did however volunteer all day helping out. She'll be able to learn from just being surrounded by the music.
While she did that I hung out at the house waiting and waiting and waiting for the Direct TV installer to come upgrade me to DVR service. So he is FOUR hours late. I had time to complete all the cooking, eat, clean up, take a nap, play on facebook, watch two movies and call to find out where he was! So he arrives and tells me that he will be charging me $75 to run a new cable to run my free upgrade because it is on an inside wall. I was furious. I basically told him to take it and leave. He stepped out and came back in after a bit with Direct TV on the phone. I ended up with the credit to my account for the price to install the cable. Then because I know the guy didn't really want to be climbing in my attic at 9 pm at night to put in a cable he proceed to install the newest technology Direct has for my $75. I now have the capability to use the whole house DVR service.
While the guy is installing the service he has to go out to the back to the roof to fix the equipment. He was in and out several times. When we had service before Scott would follow the guy around the house making sure he was doing the job right I guess. I don't know what he thought he could fix because he wasn't very technology savvy. So tonight Direct TV dude would go out the back door or even when I went out the back door. I would make sure it was latched and then suddenly the door would open like he was checking on the guy. He is here. He was making sure that this was right. I finally told him after about the 10th time of the door opening that if he could open it why can't he close up after himself! I think it was more to tell me that he was here doing what he promised. Taking care of me.
So now the house is back to calm. The kitty is meowing and chasing around with Scott but that is nothing new. He does that all the time with her. I know he's here I just wish it was a bit easier to talk to each other. Someday but not today! I am happy knowing he is here with me as in the best way he can be, to infinity and beyond. I don't get to have a pity party tonight my life isn't boring even when I want it to be!
While she did that I hung out at the house waiting and waiting and waiting for the Direct TV installer to come upgrade me to DVR service. So he is FOUR hours late. I had time to complete all the cooking, eat, clean up, take a nap, play on facebook, watch two movies and call to find out where he was! So he arrives and tells me that he will be charging me $75 to run a new cable to run my free upgrade because it is on an inside wall. I was furious. I basically told him to take it and leave. He stepped out and came back in after a bit with Direct TV on the phone. I ended up with the credit to my account for the price to install the cable. Then because I know the guy didn't really want to be climbing in my attic at 9 pm at night to put in a cable he proceed to install the newest technology Direct has for my $75. I now have the capability to use the whole house DVR service.
While the guy is installing the service he has to go out to the back to the roof to fix the equipment. He was in and out several times. When we had service before Scott would follow the guy around the house making sure he was doing the job right I guess. I don't know what he thought he could fix because he wasn't very technology savvy. So tonight Direct TV dude would go out the back door or even when I went out the back door. I would make sure it was latched and then suddenly the door would open like he was checking on the guy. He is here. He was making sure that this was right. I finally told him after about the 10th time of the door opening that if he could open it why can't he close up after himself! I think it was more to tell me that he was here doing what he promised. Taking care of me.
So now the house is back to calm. The kitty is meowing and chasing around with Scott but that is nothing new. He does that all the time with her. I know he's here I just wish it was a bit easier to talk to each other. Someday but not today! I am happy knowing he is here with me as in the best way he can be, to infinity and beyond. I don't get to have a pity party tonight my life isn't boring even when I want it to be!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Shopping for Christmas Spirit
Well I actually did something tonight I've been not wanting to do. I shopped. A quick run into Best Buy and then a stop at Bed Bath and Beyond. A little birthday shopping for Scott's niece and Christmas shopping for Laynie and maybe just a bit for Hannah. So I did it and cried all the way home! Yuck, yuck and more yuck. We had so much fun shopping for everyone last year. I remember him standing in the aisle looking at pots and pans with me for his parents and talking about how much they needed them. Then the trip wandering around Sears for Mike's gift looking at the Christmas decorations with Mickey on them. Little did I know he would go back and buy them for me as a present.
I hated shopping tonight but I took care of some business. It feels just like that business. I miss the spirit, the joy and love it used to bring. Now it just feels like a chore. I don't like that it feels like a chore. It was always so special to celebrate the holidays. For the meaning of the season, the love and happiness. I did find a reason that will give two very beautiful young ladies a treat that will give them joy. I'm tired of hearing everything happens for a reason but this is just not so much of something I would offer to anyone. I'm trying to find reasons to have joy for this season.
We can buy anything out there! Why can't I buy what I really want. I would trade any money to have Scott back and have the joy of the season because the reason we celebrate just reminds me of his death. Maybe if he hadn't died on a religious holiday! But those maybes don't get any better answers then the what ifs do. So with that I return to my new Friday Night, a bottle of wine, and old movies. I sure miss following the football team and band around. Alas football season does end. Now can the Christmas season just be gone?
I hated shopping tonight but I took care of some business. It feels just like that business. I miss the spirit, the joy and love it used to bring. Now it just feels like a chore. I don't like that it feels like a chore. It was always so special to celebrate the holidays. For the meaning of the season, the love and happiness. I did find a reason that will give two very beautiful young ladies a treat that will give them joy. I'm tired of hearing everything happens for a reason but this is just not so much of something I would offer to anyone. I'm trying to find reasons to have joy for this season.
We can buy anything out there! Why can't I buy what I really want. I would trade any money to have Scott back and have the joy of the season because the reason we celebrate just reminds me of his death. Maybe if he hadn't died on a religious holiday! But those maybes don't get any better answers then the what ifs do. So with that I return to my new Friday Night, a bottle of wine, and old movies. I sure miss following the football team and band around. Alas football season does end. Now can the Christmas season just be gone?
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Flirty
Can someone tell me how I make it through each day? This crazy weather has me in a rollercoaster. I finally feel some of my MS symptoms hitting hard. I know how to work them out but geez I'm don't like being sore from head to toe. Tonight I'm thinking of giving a cranky 14 year old of few pieces of my mind! Not good to be in this mood either I guess. I'm from one extreme to the other with my moods. I'm just really glad that tomorrow is Friday and I can do my favorite thing on Saturday - ME TIME!
Today I was working with Rhonda when we got a visit from our Scooter store rep. Did you know I can smile and laugh and flirt? I didn't know that was possible! He left and I looked at Rhonda and told her that felt funny. I don't feel guilty but I didn't have to pretend. Scott was my favorite flirt. Yes you all know it! He charmed the women of all ages but he always was with me. I knew he had a skill to make others feel good about themselves so I don't feel guilty for flirting. I'm not better but hey it was a step.
Now if someone can tell me flirting would make my Christmas tree magically appear I might try it more often. Yeah we all know that's gonna happen. Scott I can just picture him getting whatever he wanted if it had been me to go first. I'm just trying my best to keep my sanity and put one foot in front of the other. One day at a time and yes a nice smile from a cute guy always helps. It's not a cure but it does help!
Today I was working with Rhonda when we got a visit from our Scooter store rep. Did you know I can smile and laugh and flirt? I didn't know that was possible! He left and I looked at Rhonda and told her that felt funny. I don't feel guilty but I didn't have to pretend. Scott was my favorite flirt. Yes you all know it! He charmed the women of all ages but he always was with me. I knew he had a skill to make others feel good about themselves so I don't feel guilty for flirting. I'm not better but hey it was a step.
Now if someone can tell me flirting would make my Christmas tree magically appear I might try it more often. Yeah we all know that's gonna happen. Scott I can just picture him getting whatever he wanted if it had been me to go first. I'm just trying my best to keep my sanity and put one foot in front of the other. One day at a time and yes a nice smile from a cute guy always helps. It's not a cure but it does help!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I Wish I May
I made it home tonight. Does that count for something? Eating not so much fun. I most of the time don't have the energy to really eat. I still try but food is so bluck. When it is just me why bother. Tonight was PB&J. It is so much fun to try to make yourself eat. I have had problems before Scott passed away but now it is just hard to even think about food. He made sure I was eating now no one really notices if I eat chocolate for dinner or for that matter eat at all.
I do eat but not much at a time and I've discovered that my pickiness is bordering on obsessive. Well you know we are all crazy in some way but my psychosis comes out in food and the panic attacks. Maybe that is why I love my cozy little home world where I can hide for bits of quiet. Today I had to talk to a friend of Scott's for the first time. One of those people that had heard but just didn't know what to say to me. I wouldn't know what to say to me! I hate how my world has changed.
I'm miserable on the inside but keeping it together for everyone else. We have this patient room at work where it has a bad feeling to it. A place that you put a patient and they die. Yesterday I wanted to volunteer for my office to be in that room. I have promised that I won't do myself in but you know if that is really the curse of the room I'd take that chance! I have a bad case of depression and yes I'm taking my medicines but well happiness just isn't ever going to be a reality for me. Just when I find it in a depth books are written of, I get my heart ripped out.
Yes my heart is very broken. I'm sorry you have to listen to my horrible sadness tonight. I have tried the things I know that work for my comfort, warm bath, reading, frontierville and now House Hunters. Nothing is working I wish real sleep was possible. I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight! I used to love being alive now I'm just going through the motions. That is just how I'm living these days.
I do eat but not much at a time and I've discovered that my pickiness is bordering on obsessive. Well you know we are all crazy in some way but my psychosis comes out in food and the panic attacks. Maybe that is why I love my cozy little home world where I can hide for bits of quiet. Today I had to talk to a friend of Scott's for the first time. One of those people that had heard but just didn't know what to say to me. I wouldn't know what to say to me! I hate how my world has changed.
I'm miserable on the inside but keeping it together for everyone else. We have this patient room at work where it has a bad feeling to it. A place that you put a patient and they die. Yesterday I wanted to volunteer for my office to be in that room. I have promised that I won't do myself in but you know if that is really the curse of the room I'd take that chance! I have a bad case of depression and yes I'm taking my medicines but well happiness just isn't ever going to be a reality for me. Just when I find it in a depth books are written of, I get my heart ripped out.
Yes my heart is very broken. I'm sorry you have to listen to my horrible sadness tonight. I have tried the things I know that work for my comfort, warm bath, reading, frontierville and now House Hunters. Nothing is working I wish real sleep was possible. I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight! I used to love being alive now I'm just going through the motions. That is just how I'm living these days.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
