Bungalow of Love

2010 has been the worst year of my life or at least I should say the last nine months of it. Tonight I should be ringing in the new year just as we had planned an exact duplicate of last year. We went to our special place in Fredericksburg for a romantic weekend getaway. At this time we were sitting down to a five star gourmet meal five course meal. Wine and beer were allowed because we just had to walk to our little bungalow down from the main house. We held hands and discussed our bright future and all of our exciting plans and dreams.

Our honeymoon in Fiji had just been picked, we were making a list of things that needed to be done and timelines for it all. We didn't make it to midnight to ring in the new year. We snuggled into our king sized bed and held each other tight in the arms of our love. It had become very cold and blustery so when the new year dawned we awoke to freezing temps. Scott was always prepared because he never got that cold. He could layer and was happy. I had forgotten my coat so we did a Wal-mart run. Great sales on wrapping paper for this Christmas. It was hard to pull it out and use it this year but I did. You see we never stopped planning ahead and never taking any moments for granted.

Have you ever felt like you were capturing a mental photograph in your head to save it forever. That seems to be what happened with all of these amazing things we did together. Tonight Hannah and I drove to Mom's to take care of her after surgery. As I'm driving I feel Scott with me because the route is an exact path just stopping a bit sooner. Hannah and I stopped in the same store at almost the same time Scott and I were together gathering snacks for the weekend. I have the cutest picture of him taken in our bungalow. It was the first picture of him in 2010. He worked a bit on reports for work to try to get things done while I read my Kindle - my gift from him that hasn't stopped giving. Each moment of last New Year's Eve has come rushing back all the smallest details. Bet you didn't know buying a can opener could be a memory of romance for our future together. Our things in our kitchen, not his or mine, but ours. It was to be a great first year for new memories but it all came crashing down three months later. I treasure all the time we had together but if I knew then what I know NOW!!! He never would have been allowed to drive again but then it would have just been something else.

So tonight as I'm shedding tears of what will never be I must choose to keep trying to live forward. I will always see him across the table from me on every New Year's Eve for the rest of my life, smiling, laughing and loving me.

I keep telling you how things happen that I don't always understand. Tonight I got an email from our photographer we had hired. He had refunded half of our full payment right after Scott died but he felt regardless of the contract he can't keep the deposit because of the tragedy. He is sending me a check for the rest. I'm am so very touched by his kindness and his thoughtfulness. I don't need the money. I had accepted it was part of doing business but tonight someone does a great gift of kindness. So through my tears of memories of love and missing what I will never have again someone touches my heart.

I have a huge heart filled with love but it is cloaked by the pain of grief.I feel like Scott is still here with his arms around me guiding me, protecting me and showing me the way just as I ask each day. Someday I will return to our bungalow and cross another bridge. Tonight I live with the memories of Scott and our love. It will never be replaced and it can never be taken from me. My love, my heart to infinity and beyond.

Dollhouse

Last night I was doing my favorite activity planted on the couch streaming netflix to the TV and playing Frontierville when I here a person on the tv show "Dollhouse" say "the true strength of a person is how they deal with pain." Hmm it must be true because I'm dealing with lots of pain and I keep moving. The TV program has meaning for Scott and I. We started watching this show quite by accident and because it was on Friday nights we always seemed to miss it for the most part. We caught up when Season 1 came out on DVD so we rented them all and laid cuddled in bed catching up.

It was a fun show and by the producer of Buffy and Angel, which we both liked. The best part for Scott was he thought the lead character played by Elisa Dishku was hot. We tried to catch Season 2 but it seemed like we always had wedding stuff to do at my parents house which required traveling on Friday evenings. We missed most of them so I put the show into the queue so we would be able to watch them all. Sadly the we found out the show was cancelled before Scott died but they hadn't finished airing all the episodes. We had never seen the one I was watching last night. He died before it aired. So I feel as if he was there with me again.

For the most part I just hang out in the evenings when I get home. The activities of the fall have ceased. My driving foot is not so worn out but I'm a bit bored. The people have stopped calling and getting me out of the house. I'm sure life is busy for them so I'm okay with entertaining myself. Not much different then before except I had company all the time. I have spiritual company but it's not the same as the someone tickling your toes to get your attention.

So does it really mean the strength of character is judged by how a person deals with pain? I don't know I can't answer that question but I can say that living forward is all I know how to do. As I wait on the eve of a day that was a magical time for us. I will explain all of that. I know how to protect others, to keep them from feeling sad. I can wait and deal with it in my alone space and feel the gentle reminders that Scott is with me loving me forever, to infinity and beyond.

The Dishwaher

What do you do when the world comes crashing around you? I happen to know the answer not because of Scott's death. I knew that answer long before he and I ever met. So you see 11 years ago my Father died and three weeks later I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I know how to get off my bobo and live forward. It's just that I keep getting kicked. How does anyone keep getting up? I know I'm not the only one in the world who goes through this stuff? It just feels so very lonely sometimes.

One of my MS things is fatigue. If I don't watch it I'm dead to the world. The last few weeks have been rough emotionally. Those emotions end coming out some how. I try to keep then explored and dealt with but sometimes I can't avoid it. Last night I went to bed with a migraine. I took meds and woke up worse then I was when I went to bed. I have had a nice migraine which leads to the right side of my face swelling and feeling like rubber. Don't be shocked. I've gotten used to it over the years and I know how to deal with it. The part I don't care for is the dizziness and the weak muscles. Makes living a little less fun. So today I did what I know to do. SLEPT ALL DAY!

Works for me because it is what I know. Now the part that frustrates me is that is all I know. Just like loosing Scott. It is all I now know. Reality has shifted. I know my reality isn't the only shift in the world. I can take care of myself but when I was in the hospital and dying the person I saw when I woke in the ICU was Scott. Now I know that when I see him again it will mean something different. Why was I given another chance at life only to be going through this. Scott used to tell me he wouldn't have been able to handle losing me. Now here I am finding whatever the heck it takes to deal with losing him.

So here I am, fighting with my body to cooperate. I don't really have control of anything in my life. My body does what it wants and I learn how to make it work. That is really hard to do when I'm an detail oriented organizer. Oh well I guess it's like the dishwasher. If someone else takes the time to load it just wash them don't go back and rearrange them. I can't fix my MS, I can't return Scott to his physical self and I really wish I could afford to hide from the rest of the world but I can't so I close the dishwasher and press start. I just hope it all comes out clean!

A Cuddle and a Movie

It really is the small things that seem so ordinary and suddenly here he is. Just when I can't figure out how, who, what, when, or why the answer floats into my head. We have had a netflix subscription since Scott moved in with us. We each had our own lists and a number of movies. Scott was abusing his and not studying so I gave him the "really" Mom/wife look and took his list and put some of his movies into mine. Actually we did this together because when we had quiet down time we snuggled and watched movies.

Tonight I have been snuggling with my large Buzz and four blankets watching the Netflix movies that have arrived. It was my entertainment when Hannah and Scott were doing homework. I used to watch them and see how many I could get unlimited in a month. I've even figured out the postal system to have a new one everyday. I don't do that so much now but it was fun. I would watch all my British based on a novel BBC movies and somehow they would both find their way into my shows. They got their homework done but they would get hooked on my multidisc episodes and would ask me when I was watching the next one. It is so funny to sit here thinking about Scott watching my program about an English Victorian female doctor. Shh don't tell him I told but he really was very well rounded. Not all football and sports.

As I finished the first of my two movies it dawned on me why this movie was in my queue. Two + years ago we sat on the couch one night picking movies to watch. Our list was 200+ movies but this was one he selected. I was okay with the choice but until tonight I had forgotten. That is how it works a new movie arrives and it is like the lottery because I don't check very often unless there is a bunch of new movies out that I want to get added so I don't forget about them. The next movie was about a widower who has two teenage children and meets another woman and lives forward. I don't remember putting that one into the queue but I must have.

So I find myself thinking that I got to watch movies on this dreary, rainy night curled up on the couch not in my blankets but in Scott's arms. I can feel him snoring lightly in my ear because even if it was a good movie he would be comfortable and relaxed. I will keep having these quiet reminders. I know they come from him. I often wonder if he is like Bruce Willis in Signs but then I know he is surrounded by so much light and love that he knows the truth. He is here because I need him and he loves me.

Now maybe I need to go check out the Netflix list and send myself some lighthearted musical comedies from the bygone years. Who wouldn't find a smile with Bing, Fred, Ginger, Gene, Doris, Debbie and oh so many more. I wish they made movies like those still. A little M. Night Shyamalan is okay and yes Pirates of the Caribbean is always good but I like the pep me up froth of Singing in the Rain. Oh what a glorious feeling cuddling and a movie.

Press Pause

"Love is the heartbeat of all life" - Paramahansa Yogananda

"The love we lavished on the one who is gone continues to move toward that person. But in our sorrow love seems to extend itself, and in tenderhearted compassion we recognize how bound together we are are - life to life, fragment to fragment, love to love." - Martha Whitmore Hickman

So as I come home today from work where I'm supported by the love of a friend I find myself alone. I curl up into my jammies and spend some quality time lounging on the couch in front of the TV. The lights on the tree are shining and I feel the love beaming from the twinkles. I like my quiet time. I miss Hannah too. I'm glad that I have gotten this far but really did I have to be here. I'd rather be lavishing my heart and soul.

I guess I keep moving forward but when I see other people's lives I get stuck sometimes. I get stuck in the sadness of the pain in my heart. Most of the time I'm able to move forward and I know it is okay for me to have times when I'm in pause mode. Just like with the TV - pause the DVR - pause my life for a bit. I'm not sure where I'm going tonight but I am here. I am where I'm supposed to be for the moment. I'm making plans and in 20 days I will get a new adventure. I will have the presence of Scott with me. I have no doubt he isn't ever very far from me. He is waiting and loving us always.

I will get through this week. It was another planned weekend for us. We had scheduled our time with the girls so we had New Year's alone together again this year. We had plans so many plans. Someday I will go back to our spot and I will hold him in my heart. Not yet our place for just the two of us is in my heart. I feel the push from him to go but it is a gentle push not like before where I was to get things done immediately. I will find the path just tonight it stop at the couch again. It's the love from the heart that counts all the year round. I have that love forever to infinity and beyond. Scott gave me love that will never be replaced.

Soul Identity

You see we happened to leave a present behind. I got it out to take with us but it didn't make it to the car! When we got home Hannah opened it to find a Buzz holding a Buzz Blanket. There was no tag but we decided we just might know who it was from. We were right. It had arrived the other night when Hannah had her girls Christmas gathering. It was from my friend Angela. I now have a small, medium and large Buzz. I get to choose who I hug to bad they aren't the bedfellow I would like to have (wink). I have amazing people who do care about me in my life.

I've been reading on my Kindle. I'm always reading but this book is called Soul Identity. It is a work of fiction, a mystery novel. The general premise of the story is that souls are here on earth more then once. The corporation keeps a person's possessions that they would like stored until they can be reunited with their soul in a different form. A different version of Buddhism. I have learned a bunch about different practices of religion in my quest for knowledge over the years but I seem to have developed a well rounded belief system. This story is amazing to me. That someone could come to these specific words even in a work of fiction.

I know what Scott and I felt when we met. I know the instant fulfilment we both talked about at length. The eyes are the window to the soul and the connection we share is magnificent. One of friends wrote today in her facebook status that there is one soulmate for each of us on Earth. Some are lucky to find theirs. I know I was lucky to share that intense feeling that defies words. I'm struggling with missing looking into his eyes and seeing the love we felt for each other. I see his smile in photos all over our house and feel him looking at me. There is a culture out there that believes photos steal your soul. I don't recall which culture but I know I see Scott's soul in the love in his eyes for me. I know it wasn't stolen but captured for memories to continue.

That love and our memories are here for me to start each day. Each night the childhood prayer goes through my head, "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." I know it isn't my time but I will be ready when it happens. I'm at peace and I don't feel as if I have any personal goals to obtain other then to be here for my daughter. For some reason Scott and I were only allowed to be together briefly but it really was as if we knew each other forever. Maybe I need a pilgrimage, like Eat, Pray, Love to find myself.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas. Today was quiet but I was joined by Hannah, my parents, Mike and Pamela. My niece called and we talked to her a bit. It is funny because she is the only I know who just asks or says point blank stuff about Scott. She asked me if we had seen Laynie and how she was doing! Then she asked what I got for Christmas and she said that would have been for Uncle Scott! I was surrounded by love just a different kind.

My beautiful daughter had my friend Rhonda buy a giant stuffed Buzz at the grocery store. She got it in the house and wrapped. I got a beautiful Precious Moments statue that I specifically requested. It is two angels hugging that says "Love is Always With Us." I brings tears to my eyes because that is correct. It will now sit next to the bestest of my collection that I received last year from Scott, A bride and groom wearing Mickey Ears! That says it all we loved each other forever and the stupid castle was just a formality.

Hannah is so funny as she was opening gifts she would say thank you Mommy on mine. It wasn't Mom or Mother! I think she had a very good Christmas considering how my year has been. She is my reason for being. That is for me what Christmas is about. The teachings of Christmas are more then celebrating a birth but about the teachings in the stories. Love, family and sharing. That is the basics of life here on earth. We need to celebrate those things. I choose to give it isn't about the gifts themselves but the love and thought I pour my heart into. Each gift I give is about love. If I make a scrapbook or pick out just the right shirt it is about love. You can't buy love but you can make a person know that you really were thinking about them when you gave them a gift.

I survived. I'm sad and quiet. I napped because I was mentally and physically worn out. I hide for most of the day but apparently because I was within sight of others then I was good. It doesn't stop the loneliness but I guess I survived. Hannah and I are sitting here in the office at Mom's. She is laying on her blow up bed and I'm at the desk. We each have computers going but we are interacting. She is my lifeline. I hope by the time she goes to college I can have some path of existence that is less painful. I keep trying to live forward and find my way to whatever that is. I know how to take care of myself. I'm okay being alone but the magic of love is just so hard to be without. Scott is here because we love each other but I wish it was like before!

Merry Christmas to each of you. It is possible to feel the love of you all even without seeing your beautiful faces and magnificent hearts. I hope you all enjoyed the gifts of family, sharing and love on this day and each day as we all live forward.