No Games

“The heart is the inner face of your life. 
The human journey strives to make this inner face beautiful. 
It is here that love gathers within you. 
Love is absolutely vital for a human life. 
For love alone can awaken what is divine within you. 
In love, you grow and come home to your self. 
When you learn to love and let yourself be loved, 
you come home to the hearth of your own spirit.
You are warm and sheltered.” 
~ John O'Donohue


Words are stuck again. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry with myself for letting my heart think its ok to live again. When I do I end up sad and regretting things I can't change. With Scott I always knew where I stood. He never hid his feelings for me. He tried in front of others but they always knew. People still remind me how much he loves me. I miss that special feeling. I miss having someone who looks at me and the world is right. I should say I miss someone who admits I matter to them. 

The girls at work have been giving me a hard time. They keep saying I should just give in and at least go out with Disney Dissing Dude. "you have to try to get to the right one!" Well that has never been my personality. It just seems like I know when I enjoy being around someone. Tim, yes he has a name, thinks we have the perfect connection because our kids are the same age. He texts and I answer. He calls I don't answer. He has now asked me out eleven times. I keep saying no. I hate hurting other peoples feelings but if we can't be friends first, why should I get someone else's hopes up. You know I have lots of friends that are guys. I enjoy hanging out with them. Scott's friends are my brothers now, my protectors. 

There are two or three of my guy friends (not Scott's buddies) who are single that I would gladly spend more time with. I'd have to move for two of them but that's not where my life is right now. Just having someone around that can share the guy point of view without romantic involvement would be great. Tim, keeps telling me I'm a good catch. I don't want to be caught. I'm not running a marathon to dating. I don't know if marriage will ever be right but I'm tired of people assuming things. It is okay for me to still have my crush. It is okay to "just be friends" even when the other person makes you confused. I am who I am. I'm not willing to play games or bend who I am or where I am. 

Two years is a long time but my heart still hurts. My mind still swarms with memories of what happiness feels like. Two years ago we were supposed to meet friends at the Japanese steakhouse. We missed them but we still had a great time together. Scott was my best friend. He understood when I needed to laugh. It is okay for someone else to make me laugh. It doesn't hurt. I doesn't make me sad. It is okay to miss your friends, male and female. I'm not ready for more then that because the thought of holding hands or kissing someone else makes me run. My heart wants those things but it still hurts. I can't put myself there yet because I am not in a position to handle rejection. I can't play games. I won't play games. I've learned to much about love and when done right has the power to make you soar.

I have plans for the next few days. There are some who know but I'm not ready to share with everyone just yet. This year I'm still fighting my tears. When I need to I manage my sadness with my meds. I know that I have to celebrate Scott. So he and I have plans. My sweet Angel is never far away when I need him. I tried to make plans alone but because I have great friends in my life who don't think that's the best idea. Yes, I will be kept busy and with just the thing Scott would have loved to do. Another point on our bucket list. 

Tonight I'm comforted with my memories. The person I asked to tell me something funny fell down on the job today. That's ok we all have our lives to live. I have to keep growing on my own before I can learn to soar again. Surround me with you light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way.