Dancing Goofy

Sitting alone on the couch watching Christmas movies after the rest of the world has long since gone to bed. Someone told me today what an inspiration I am to them and as I sit here pondering that thought I still feel the great loss in my life. I know the grief will never fade but I have learned to live beyond the pain in my heart.  I share my moments of joy and triumph mixed in with the sadness and heartbreak each day. Who wants to be around a sad, old, fat woman. I know I don't yet that person is what I see when I look in the mirror. 

I saw the doctor today to renew my sadness medicine for the year. It helps get me through the days but I often wonder how to live my life alone. I don't mind being single. It seems easier then keeping the relationship comprises going. I don't have to worry about where I sit my pjs down in the morning or if I leave my shoes all over the house. If I want to leave dishes in the sink I do because no body else cares.  Truthfully I avoid H side of the house when she is home because I don't want to be that grumpy Mom. She does most of the stuff I ask her to do and somehow getting dressed from the clothes on the chair just seems like a battle that doesn't matter. 

It's not a horrible place to live. Our home feels lived in and full of love.  There are projects I need to get to and things I need to finish but I will get them done when my life slows down. That just isn't today or the next year and a half for that matter. When H leaves for college maybe in will finally get around to cleaning my craft room of all the wedding stuff or making
the quilts I want to try. I have mounds of cross-stitch projects to complete or I could continue making the Christmas ornaments that give me peace. I don't know where I will be but sappy Christmas movies don't make me feel any better. 

I miss laying under the tree holding hands and looking up at the lights. I miss taking our drives with the Christmas music blaring looking at the Christmas lights, I miss finding that special gift that only has meaning for two people even if it is as silly as Buzz band aids. I bought them again at Wally World last night. I bought the Buzz wrapping paper even though there is no one to use it for anymore. I walk through the store thinking of shopping for the girls even when I know Laynie isn't in our lives anymore. I miss her just as much as I miss Scott. I miss our family. But I'm living my new life trying not to be half a person. 

The bright side to my healing process is I know I don't need just any guy in my life to feel again. I'm not going crazy and just random dating. I don't have to throw my self into to something to feel alive again. I live each day and try real hard not to think about my future. I make little plans here and there but I could care less what my life will be like in two years. I don't see that far ahead anymore. There are things and people I hope are in my life for a very long time but for the moment it's just me laying on the couch listening to the silence around me wishing I was really as strong as people think I am. I would be lying if I said being alone is something I like to do all the time but being single doesn't mean I have to be alone. 

So maybe it is time to take my happy pill and wish for dreams that are filled with love and magic. Sometimes that doesn't mean Scott. A dream filled with a bunch of crazy Disney friends singing and dancing in front of a magical castle with some of them in costume being led by a dancing Goofy who chooses me to make smile brings a joy to my heart that I can only wish will come true. Sweet dreams my friends and thank you for allowing me to be in your lives. I love you!