I Need You

I can't decide what is worse, being left to spend the rest of your life loving someone who is gone or the loneliness of knowing what true happiness means and not being able to communicate to someone they have reserved seating in your heart. 

I guess in the end it really is just one thing - loneliness. Crying myself to sleep seems to be the norm but there are times when I go to sleep with a smile on my face that covers a brilliant day. Most of the time it's just about me and my memories. 

I'm not sure how to change that. How do you let someone else in or trust that what you feel is true? How do you trust that maybe a really good friend is all that you are ever meant to have? How do you trust that there could be more to life? How do I live without? 

It's one of those motions days for me. I live but sometimes I feel invisible. Do you see me or do you just see this sad person with no joy or spark? I'm living but do I enjoy living like this? No not really. I smile, I laugh, but my heart aches for a life I will never be given a chance to have. I just want someone to look at me beyond the grief monster, to see my heart and help me feel again. To take my hand and love me. To see me across the room and smile with joy because you were waiting for me to appear. To accept that love is more than a physical experience but a mental connection that takes all the pain and loneliness and transforms into just knowing that all is right side up in the world. 

To know that someone is there for it all good and bad. Not knowing that anymore is the loneliest feeling ever. Not having a hand reach out to hold yours for no reason at all or all the reasons makes life seem a little less full. 

Celebration of Life 2015

It's time to make a large step. As if selling the house and looking for properties wasn't enough I'm taking this Celebration of Life trip alone. Well kind of alone. You all get to join me through the magic of FB. 

This all started about three weeks ago. I was supposed to go to St Louis again this year to see and support my Aunt as my Uncle passed away in February. Some things changed and I was left with a sense of loss. Easter and Scott's Angel day are once again together. Now why Easter moves every year and Christmas stays the same I don't understand. But in my world I get two weekends of grief and every so often just one! 

I'm glad Easter falls with Scott's Angel day this year but it makes my compensatory strategy difficult. Everyone I know has a family to celebrate life with this weekend. I do too but I'm not a great spirit. I do get a bit morose over this weekend and I know the only way around is distraction. Betsy was always great at helping me. She just knew what to do. I miss her so much too!  

So there I was with a plane ticket to switch. Thank goodness for Sputhwest! In three hours I'd contacted my personal travel agent booked a room at WDW, changed my flights, made fast pass reservations and a few dining reservations. I told the people closest to me and a few others like my patientss so people knew where I was going to be. 

I've counted my days down, got a surprise of a ressie at Be Our Guest for breakfast and a few days ago I was able to get a dinner reservation there also. So here we go I'm going to do something just for me and my ability to cope with the requirement of living forward. Here we are five years later and I couldn't have done this without all of you!! Please enjoy this trip with me!!