Life Moves on but then it doesnt...

Tonight I was fortunate enough to have dinner with a very nice lady who has become a friend in a few short months. I was reminded of how far my life has moved on but yet it still feels like yesterday. I'm living alone with my house of cats in a new place and my wonderful job. I have neighbors I adore and invite me to dinner. They love me for me. My cat waits for me at the back door when he hears the garage, comes when he is called, digs my makeup out of my bag and loves me without question unless I forget to do his bidding. I have a daughter who calls me from college just to chat when she needs me. My parents love me and build shelves for me. My insurance agent friend knows I need to be taken care of when I'm rear ended. My BFF finds a flight to leave the frigid north to come see me soon. I have a life of love and laughter. I have blessings. I am fortunate.

Tonight I was reminded that we need to share our blessings. Allow others to be an ear when we are sad, be a sounding board because we may discover an answer we didn't see. I came home tonight pulled into the garage and looked all around at the things high on the shelves of all that Scott left behind. Those things don't keep me warm, they don't hold my hand, they don't hug me when I need to be comforted. I looked around knowing I was walking into an empty house that I didn't have too. I could be done with life surrounded by things of a memory. But then I always remember that may only fix my problem but creates more for others.

I don't need to be fixed, I don't want someone to fix me. I just keep one foot in front of the other to help someone else. I tell my patients everyday, they aren't a project for me. I'm just hear to listen and guide them to fix themselves. I'm bossy but you get to do all the work. There is not a person in my world who needs to be fixed. We are all chipped and cracked but we are all miracles. I've never been perfect but I keep going. My life changed but it really hasn't. I'm still me. I'm still here just a new me.

There are many days when I think I don't matter but then the random Friday night call from my beautiful girl talking and sharing and needing to have her Mom, the friend who is going through a hard time but needs space before accepting a shoulder, the patient who had a stroke at 27 and can finally stick her tongue past her lip because she has been frozen in her body, the patient who graduates from therapy today eating, drinking and no trach, the stick I received my sweet neighbor boy because he loves me as I talk to his Mom about medical things she is having or the text from my Mom sharing the floor tile she can still do at 70+. I matter to people and I make a rosy spot in their lives. It would matter to them if I weren't here. Just like it matters to me that Scott is gone, BetsyAnn left us, and others before them. My heart is fuller because they loved me but sad because they left with so much still to do.

Now how do I convince someone that it is OK to take a hug on a bad day? The greatest gift we can give one another is kindness and compassion. I can't fix anyone and some days not even myself but I can love. In the end that is really all I have of any value. Now off to contemplate where I'm supposed to be or do next because the message I'm receiving in my heart says it all just not how to get there.