Doormat

Waves of grief happen at the strangest times. Most often as I go to bed at night.  I want a life. I live this half life where I work and have the most amazing daughter. You'd think it would be enough. However, I'm left with this feeling of living on the fringes. Never being good enough to love or be loved. I know I am loved but I don't feel whole.

I want. Oh hell I don't know what I want. To be honest last night I dreamed I was able to trade places with a sweet friend who is fighting cancer. She has wonderful children and a loving husband who deserve to have her around longer. I dreamed I got to take her cancer from her. I got my want, to be my spirit self with my love. Nobody wants this broken me. My patients need me. They love me. My daughter needs me. I know because I'm the first person she called in a crisis recently. Is it fair to her that I'm broken? I think frequently why am I still here? What do I need to be doing that I'm not?

I spend all day in the quiet of my car counting white Tundras and praying. If you appear in my thoughts I pray for you. I should be spewing light and love at this point but I just feel not good enough. Am I making any sense? Who knows? Not me! I sat down a few minutes ago and burst into tears. I started praying. All I could hear was "write the blog. Get it out. You aren't alone and you're only able to make sense when the words flow from your fingers. Share your heart, my heart!"

So here I am. My pain filled soul knowing I'm not good enough. I'm broken. I'm overly curvy. I'm too nice and a bit crazy. I want whatever I'm supposed to have but is this all? When you have a connection with someone but you aren't good enough to pursue. When you are just a person that is not enough to risk your heart for. That's me, the wall just gets higher as I fight to find joy. You can only make so many cards, paint so many canvases, cut paper, home projects before it all just becomes mindless activities to waste time doing.

You know when you pray to be surrounded by light and love, guide me, protect me, show me the way and you see the way but someone decides to make a right while your still driving straight. Seven years ago my GPS got off course and I'm lost. I'm ready to wonder off into the desert as the old tribal leaders would do when they knew they were of no use. I wonder if I just backed away from life who would notice! Would you notice if I didn't post for a week? Would you notice if I didn't pull out of my garage? Would anyone notice if I stopped eating?

Just like my patients where I'm sometimes the only one who notices them, would anyone notice me missing? They would because I'm reliable, dependable and always on time. Is that a deficit? I'm here. I haven't gone anywhere but if you don't want me just tell me. Don't leave me here like a doormat only when you need something from me. I'm broken and can't mend on my own. I need to know I'm good enough to be more than your old car you trade in for a younger model. I spend my days helping others become whole, how do I get there too?