My own devices...

My doctor used to say to me "you are not crazy if you can say you are crazy and describe everything that is happening to you."  Do I think she was right? For the most part yes. Yesterday I saw true crazy from a patient's daughter. That is not me. Is it how I feel? YES!! Do I think I set myself up for this? YES!!! Should I walk away from the what I set myself up for? YES!! Have I? Nope!! A big fat NO!!!

I have my reasons but I'm the only one who can decide if they are good enough. Do we ever do things to people to hurt them to get them to leave us? Yup all the time. I've done it personally and it makes me feel worse. When you care about someone, friend, family, loved one, they seem to be the ones we take for granted. Push away when they may need us as much as we need them. Why do we work so hard at not being vulnerable? What is it about human nature that we are horrible to each other?

Am I just a little miss sunshine that can't see the bad in someone? We all have good in us, shouldn't we want to help everyone keep the good shining through? I know I want to be good enough but sometimes the little effort it takes to send a card, a joke, give a hug, hold a hand, have a dinner or a quick call out of the blue is to much for some. I just had a text exchange with my daughter. We have a social event this evening. She was kind enough to tell me if it was to hard for me I didn't gave to go, yet I, only worried about embarrassing her!! I will be fine when I arrive but I want to be good enough for her.

Yes this is the crap week for me. If left to my own devices, I dwell on the lost life I have? Do I still have a great life? YES!!! I make myself push out of my comfort zone. I do things on my own but I also know when I need help to keep going. Should I sometimes be more persistent? YES! I just don't make a very good squeaky wheel. I have a few wonderful people in my life. I would trust them with my daughter. Some were unavailable, one made time and then well it doesn't really matter anymore because I fell through the cracks. Maybe I really am supposed to deal with my own feelings of not being good enough. Yet somehow I continue to trust that people I need will take an hour to help me laugh. Then I realize that in the end it is my problem and asking for help is sometimes beyond what others can give.

I had a friend that I'm actually not very close to text me. I usually know he wants me to go to a meeting and somehow my life is upside down and sideways when this service group meets. He is aware and was kind enough to text say I know this is a tough week and I'm here if you need me. But my own self doubt didn't ask. I'm have no answers that get me a vision of the future but just enough to know it is fine to love someone more than they love you. Love and life really aren't a competition. I, however, would much prefer to have a life filled with love and laughter versus the paranoia, self doubt and worry I find myself slipping into this past week!!

We really do all have problems and helping someone else may lead you to the answers for yours!! Go remind a friend they are important to you!!