I miss him with every fiber of my heart in everything I do. I fake happy really well most of the time. There are times when I don't think about him at all. I volunteered at The Army Marathon a few weeks ago and for the first time I was happy as me. It was something new. Something I've never done or experienced before. I did something for a friend because they didn't know they needed the help. I was just me. For the first time in three years I was me. What do you say to someone who helps you and makes your life a little brighter if only for a moment? I will never be able to repay those s people in my life.
Before I went in to volunteer I had a panic attack. I almost didn't go. I'm not a self centered person but I was too afraid to get out of my car and walk into a new world but with a lot of encouragement from another friend I did. Treating my patients for work is easy but Scott never leaves me. I explain at least once a day to a patient when they ask if I'm married that the man I love died in a car accident. They all share their condolences and tell me I need company to keep or I will marry again. I don't know that yet if ever. I do know that even in the joy of my life with Hannah I still miss Scott. I didn't miss him when I was busy helping other in a task that had nothing to do with him.
I miss him when I travel, I miss him at football games, I missed him driving H and the gang around for Prom yesterday. The moments when I can picture him with me is when it hurts but I smile and keep going. I don't know how or why but I'm now helping with the planning of next year's The Army Marathon. Friday night I sat at a table like a fish out of water. I don't belong. What does a fat, sad, pathetic person who can't get over her husband dying have to offer? I don't run, I can't run but yet there I was. How did that become the one place I was truly happy and felt like myself for the first time in three years?
I can't handle even putting my craft room back together after the flood. I've considered leaving it all boxed up and giving it away. The place Scott gave me. The scrap toys he would surprise me with all the time. He never complained when I bought paper. He would find some to add to the mix. He wanted to be a part of something I loved yet it makes me cry. I'm addicted to football and being the commish of the league but it makes me miss him. Yet I hate to exercise and find myself smiling and cheering for people that do.
Is this an ok place for me to be? Why am I drawn there? What is it about doing something I've never done make me feel happy. Was it the look of joy on my friend's face watching it all unfold or was it some selfish reason inside of me? Do I need to hide from this world and start over somewhere completely new? Do I need to continue to face my own grief and find the little moments I'm happy? Why do I need to help my friends? I can answer that easily!! They have saved me and not even known it.
Only a handful of people know this but I think you deserve to know!! A few weeks/months ago I checked myself into our local mental institution. I was beyond sad. I was done with my life and needed help. They didn't help. They tried to give me drugs for OCD. I had to help myself. I have to be here for Hannah. I couldn't let her down or the few that made sure I knew I was loved. Crazy as it may seem the people who matter the most reached out. I can't let them down!!
Now I'm trying to figure out how not to let myself down. Life is still upside down for me. Maybe this is the new normal but I'm still not comfortable in my own skin. I still only see the sad, fat pathetic woman whose life is just a shell. How do I accept that I was asked to keep helping at this new experience because I really am wonderful? I really do have a gift to share or do I just accept that my prayers are being answered and I really am surrounded by light and love. That I am being guided and protected and shown the way.
