Six Years and Counting

I've tried over the years to know how to keep my emotions inside but I've learned I can't do it. I end up needing to be checked into the psych unit. I don't get why people think I have to live by their rules so I just don't bother anymore. I know my limits and refuse to be a pawn in someone else's games. I rarely ask for something from others unless it's important to me. I'm really good at hearing what others want and helping them achieve. That doesn't work in the reverse. I end up disappointed and crying for days when I feel stepped on. I get over it. Life moves forward and I retreat into my best space alone.

I have a few people who take the time to hear me say what I can't put into words. Those people have really been the lifeline for me over the past six years. Scott, however, was the only one who was there without me needing to speak a word of what I wanted. He could look and just know. I never had to ask twice and sometimes I never had to ask at all. My other half. He made me a better person and now I fail miserably except with my patients. If I ask for something it's not to hear myself speak. I ask because I can't do it alone.

I'm not a selfish, self centered person. When I'm doing something I rarely do for myself. Even working on scrapbooks or craft projects my thoughts are always for H after I'm gone or the person who is to receive. Driving my Mom to a family reunion because she didn't really need to go alone, cooking for myself and making exrtra for my freezer friend. I get out of bed everyday for my patients and my daughter. I have no other reason to live.

I really wish I could do away with the calendar. Wipe it clean and not remember dates. Except my brain has a computer that knows days and love association. June and into July are big ones. I function, barely. One of my patients told me I deserve to be in a funk one day when she said I looked off. She made me tell her it was Scott's birthday. No matter how hard I try those happy times should still be happening but I'm left with the tears and dates on the calendar. Should of, would of, could of are always part of my forever vocabulary. I can see myself walking down the aisle of The Castle to the music from Impressions de France to a man who never once had anything but love in his eyes for me wearing the attire we lovingly picked out together that I chose to bury him in.

Next week is my birthday and due to some unfortunate events and happiness for others I will work and go home to my kitties. My birthday has only ever been a priority to Scott. It happens when a major holiday and summer are involved. He knew the depth it bothered me to be pushed to another date. He just knew my heart. I will never replace that. I will never try. I will get out of bed for my patients and my daughter. I will continue to do for others because that is where my heart goes and someday I will get to walk down the aisle to the man who will forever have my heart in the castle of his design. Happy Anniversay six years and counting My Love.