Spread Love

Did you know people like to blame and find reasons for their bad behaviors. I'm no different. I'm afflicted just as we all are but I try not to be. Is it an excuse that I have MS or PTSD? No but they are my hurdles. I cope with the challenges and try to overcome. Do people have excuses for being rude and self centered. Sure they do and most often they choose to blame others versus looking into themselves. I know none of us are perfect but those we hurt tend to be those we are closest too. Somehow the bad excuses are forgiven.

I'm struggling with staying in society. I often wonder how someone can choose to know what they are going to do will hurt someone and hide the fact they are doing it. I could point fingers but then I become part of the situation that is the problem. I spend my days thinking of others. I'm always doing and giving. Jealously can be hidden in manipulation. And when someone is called out for being rude you are the horrible insecure person.

I'm trying. I'm really trying. It amazes me how often people I don't even think about try to wiggle into a situation they should just observe. Then I lose my cool when that's what they want in the first place.   If you want my life you can have it. I focus my energy on the things that make me live in the moment but I don't want to be here. A friend died of cancer, a patient had a family member that was murdered recently. I'd change places with them in an instant. I live. I'm not miserable. I have joy. But something is missing. And it gets worse when someone takes the moments I find pleasure in for themselves.

How do you tactfully tell someone to go jump in a lake? You can't so then I become the doormat. It just becomes easier to become nothing. Block people from your life. Become a recluse. I read an article tonight about a woman who became so reclusive her home was falling down around her. The neighbors came in and they all became friends by helping her. I'm by no means a social butterfly. Large groups overwhelm me. People keep trying to get me to their church. I understand why. They care. I have God in my life. I welcome my spiritual side but panic attacks make me struggle with the peace others derive from church groups. My ministry is found in my patients. God's message comes to me through them.

I sat in my car in my garage at 3 am recently. Just sat there sobbing. It's a good thing my job requires me to be in my car frequently because since Scott died it's a comfort zone. I spend so much time considering others feelings before I act some times that I neglect my own needs. I forget others aren't of the same frame of mind or would just rather act then deal later with the consequences. Sucks to be the consequence. Ok back to the car. I thought about turning it on. Then I could truly give everyone the gift of never considering me in their plans again. You know what stopped me? Moose!! He was pawing and crying at the garage door.

I worked the next day. My first patient and his wife find joy in my ministry. A patient, who a week ago could barely count was now speaking in full sentences. My next patient wants to return to her job as a counselor. She keeps inviting me to dinner with her family. My next patient lives alone and also wants to return to her job as a counselor. We laugh and joke and giggle like little girls. My next patient only laughs and smiles with me. She tells me she can't do this without me. My next patient lies in bed at night thinking of stories to tell me of her life and has finally been able to recall her address. My last patient is slowly dying of CHF. His wife need the visit more than he does.

People who should matter in my life choose to make me the bad guy. I get to make someone else's life matter with my patients. A friend recently liked two posts in a row of mine on FB. I texted and asked if the friend had been hit in the head because they stopped liking posts of mine years ago even though we used to talk/text daily. A life change for the friend has made contact less frequent of their part. It is what happens. The response I got was "just wanted you to know I was thinking about you." I was joking but in all jokes are pieces of truth. Life changes it evolves. The people we want to make a priority changes. I get it. I'm not sad. I'm not lonely. I just think I exist but not always sure of the purpose. But my story about my friend is they made an effort to remind me I matter. Life changes but I'm thought of. Those moments show someone you care.

You all can truly get along without me. My child is grown, my parents are busy, my friends have lives, my neighbors are busy. Moose needs me. That water dish doesn't fill itself. I know I'm replaceable. Those are the thoughts of loss and despair. I have them. I fight them. Sometimes one moment at a time. The next time you decide to tell someone their feelings don't matter that life isn't about them, Remember we all need to be loved. We all need to feel special in something that we need, an event we create, a birthday to celebrate, a gift we give, a request for assistance. When someone does something from their heart for you means they need you. Don't step on them and tell them they are unjustified and insecure. If you didn't worry about that you wouldn't hide behind your actions. Spread love not sadness and hate. Ask how someone feels don't just assume. We all matter and if I chose to include you, you mattered.