Trying for Thankfulness

There is this "thankful" thing going on over on FB. I'm trying to keep up being thankful each day but all I can think about is Scott. I have so much to be thankful in my life but I keep thinking about Scott. My brain never stops with him. I don't think it ever will. I was talking to a friend about dating etc and I have reached the conclusion that I would be great having a friend to hang out with but I don't want anything else. At two and half years after I lost my love to tragedy all I can think about his him. I function, I live, I walk and yet I don't feel.

I try to make it look like I have a place I'm headed but I really don't know anything. I drive home thinking about Scott. I come home and feel him in my heart and home. I sit at the football games and want him by my side. I make decisions about fantasy football and ask for his guidance for his team. I go to bed at night and I only pray he is visiting in my dreams. I socialize with my friends but all I can do is wish we could be doing things together. I love my daughter. I love spending time with her but she is growing up.

I'm worried about me. I'm worried that I really am better off alone and a crazy cat lady. I find myself lost in a room full of people wishing he were here to protect me. I stare at our pictures and just want to find his arms around me again. I don't really see the rest of the world just my own sorrow. I keep trying though. I keep doing things that make people think I'm healing but I'm stuck. I'm stuck in the quicksand and I just wish I could drown too. But I can't I have to keep pretending that I'm okay. I go to work and I struggle to plaster my smile on my face. I sit in the crowd at the football game and know I'm alone. I try to ask for people to join me so I can try to face my life alone but I'm still lost and alone.

I hear people talking about getting their family portraits made and all I think of is our family is gone. I should have pictures made with H and I but it just doesn't feel right. Alone and empty, struggling to keep sight of what I am really thankful about. I see the world of politics and craziness and I just want my world back as it continues to spin out of control. I don't really know where I'm supposed to be but I keep trying as my heart continues to be shattered in a million little shards that stab me every time I try to live forward. I don't know where I belong and I don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be!