Alone

Alone

What does it really mean to be alone? You can be in a room full of people and be alone or you can sit in an empty house and feel surrounded by love and life. Right now I'm sitting in a booth by myself in a restaurant in Austin. I'm alone but I not feel lonely. There used to be times would I never could have done this. 

Granted I'm sitting here with my iPad and iPhone. I have finished my meal and the place isn't busy yet so I can cope. I have to work hard not to have a panic attack when I'm alone in a crowd of people. I've had this problem way before my normal changed. I've always had to work very hard not to be painfully shy but after the change I knew I had to choose my own path in life. 

The other day, someone told me they think I push myself to hard. The person thinks I'm too hard on myself. I happen to know the secret to my problem. If I don't push myself no one else will and I really would end up stuck in my house forever. It was easy with Scott around. He liked to go and do, meet new people and enjoy life. So here I am sitting in a restaurant alone in Austin because I have to keep going for Hannah. 

My life is my choice and I'm coping with the difference in being alone and loneliness. I do battle the loneliness but if I push myself to stay busy and keep going I can conquer. The true test is when will I have had enough of myself? There are just some things in life that can't be done as one. I'm sure I would land on my face if I tried to ride a bicycle built for two and somehow I can't bring myself to rebook the trip to Fiji for one. I can still picture Scott and I on our dream trip together even though we didn't get to go. 

Maybe someday there will be another dream trip with the next phase of my hearts ability to love but for now I have enjoyed taking myself out to dinner for the best Cobb salad outside of the Brown Derby. The hardest part of dining alone is trying to figure out how to go to the restroom when there is no one at the table to watch your stuff. My solution - pray that you can wait until its time to leave. And with that final problem solved, I bid you goodnight as I journey beck to the stadium to pray my dearly loved Panther Band can make it to the finals to qualify for State! Go Band!