"Each person in your life, each relationship, is completely unique. Each person is irreplaceable. You can even move forward with new people, new relationships but they never replace the old. If you're a widow and get remarried, a bereaved parent and have another baby, etc. there is joy in the new. However, your grief is not erased. Fortunately, the human heart expands to accommodate all of our many loves and relationships. Just remember that no life is replaced or forgotten." - Transcending Loss
I was on a mission to do pool maintenance and ended up doing a chore from the list Scott left for MY honey do list. We made lists for each other. It was one of those compromises that helped us deal with each others quirks. That way we knew if it was bothering the other person. He cleaned his cluttered closet. Why did I never empty the boxes from job changes I'd left in the garage?
Somehow putting a chlorine stick in a skimmer basket ended in a chore check off! Two hours later I was sorting through a box and suddenly I was in shock. I found one of our craft projects when we first started working together, Hand Turkeys. The shape if my loves hand always and forever. I didn't sit in the driveway and cry. I sorted, threw things out and put the hand turkeys away.
I'd done it! I had tackled a list from Scott's list for me and even one from his list (I moved the big Christmas tree from where he left it) without sadness. Or so I thought! I got home last night and sat in the driveway. I didn't want to get out and go in. I want to runaway from my life. I love H so I stay but something is missing.
I've been sad for the last few days but I couldn't figure out why. It's the hand!! I miss holding hands. Not just the touching of the hands but all that implies. The sadness was there but not crippling. Just enough to make me miss my life. It took a friend in a weird place in his life today to make me think about how sad that has to be. Not to take the time to breathe and enjoy the friendships and relationships around you. I don't think I will ever again be able to push away someone who cares about me.
The last moments I saw Scott alive he was making me engage in our relationship. He believed in us. I believed in us but not as much as he did. I would give anything to have that again. I don't turn down my friends for fun. I join them because the life I have now may not be what I wanted but its still my life. I don't always know when I need something but somehow I have learned the people around me always have something to give me that I didn't know I needed. I need hope to believe that it will all work out I need to believe that I'm here for a reason. There are people who are in our lives for reasons we don't understand. There are people who get us when we don't get ourselves. We just have to have blind faith in the plans we don't understand.
You matter to me! You have held my hand when I didn't know I needed it. You dried my tears and wiped my nose when I was beyond consoling. You make a difference in my life and I want to make a difference in yours. I still have hands to share. I'm here because of you! Love comes in all shapes and sizes. I believe we all have a place for each other. Just reach for the hands of friendship you've been offered - Turkey!
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