Those are the three words we were supposed to share. We jokingly practiced the day I brought his wedding band home from the jewelry store. He just wanted to wear it but I wouldn't let him. I wouldn't let him. We shouldn't have waited but we did. Little did I know that I would be the one who took it out of the box and said the words. I know he was there so I wasn't alone but the symbol of the circle of eternity seemed so empty. You can't measure love to someone else. I know each of the men whom I have loved can and will never be compared. I know it is possible to love again. Now will the time ever be right, that I can't say but I know my heart still has the power of love to share.
I have made so many steps in living forward. Lots of steps back but I'm happy to say those are so fewer. I know I've grown an changed. There may always be moments of panic and the need for the Xanax to relieve the attack but you know I how much better a conversation with someone you love is makes it all "more better!" I'd much rather hear a joke about sexy farm animals then drug myself.
Now back to that ring that I have worn for most of the last two and a half years. I put it back in its box in the drawer before I left for vacation. It was the right time. It still makes me sad but I was ready to put his ring in protective custody. I also realized what I need in my life is a friend who has the same busy life and priorities to think about scheduling a break once in awhile to live in the moment. To just hang out and be crazy. I have several people I can think of but two of them are eleven hours away.
I see how much my vacation did for me. I know how important getting away from the world can be. Today a friend told me I needed to just go work at Disney. I have thought about that before. I know, however, that I care more about the magic in the visits. I know the inner workings but I still need a place to be a princess. Where would I go for vacation then? My princess standards are to high for most places.
So tonight I'm laying here thinking about the different stages of happiness. Where am I now that I wasn't three years ago? The obvious is Scott. Our relationship wasn't perfect. For that matter I still yell at him quite often just not for the same reasons. I'm ready to explore the next stages of this new life. Who knows, maybe that just means I start sleeping in he middle of the bed or maybe I need to just walk up and take a chance that requires getting over the panic things still happen. I do know that circle of gold and silver doesn't change how I feel for Scott but having the courage to put it away changes how I look at myself!!
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