Reflection of Me

"It is a wonderful day in a life when one is finally able 

to stand before the long, deep mirror of one's own reflection 

and view oneself with appreciation, acceptance, and forgiveness. 

On that day one breaks through the falsity of images 

and expectations which have blinded one's spirit. 

One can only learn to see who one is when one learns to view oneself with the most intimate and forgiving compassion.” 

~John O'Donohue

This is my biggest struggle. Most of the time I happy with myself but then there are those days when I don't feel pretty enough or smart enough, that I just don't make the grade for anyone else. I'm in one of those moods  I refer to them as my beached whale mood. I can understand why so many people have eating disorders if we as a society are as hard on ourselves as I am. 

When your whole world changes you have to learn to find the equator. I think my axis of reality is a bit tilted off the axis. I feel like I need to be that guy who jumped from the heavens with his parachute. Would that realign my image of myself?  It all started this week on Monday morning when I was orbited into work overload. My job is crazy and it just seems I don't have enough hours in the day to get anything done. I was human and made errors but for me they were big ones. 

I made them and I tried to move forward but it was enough to rock my calm waters. When I get like that I need a moment to destress. It still hasn't happened. I can't get all the work done and now I see this huge woman in the mirror. I need to hear, "you are beautiful, my heart. You are the woman I adore!" I look in the mirror and I don't see the person who was loved so deeply. 

I'm not sure who I see in the mirror most days. So different then my last day of normal. I'm living forward but the reflection I see has sad eyes, a smile that is just a bit to big to be real and the person you see at the buffet line that makes you avert your eyes. 

I'm not asking for reassurances that my outward appearance is more then that. What I see in the mirror is my inward appearance. The mirror is my window into my heart. I miss my smiling teasing eyes, my flirty self with the heart of gold. I don't see me anymore. I haven't seen me for a long time. I feel like that part of me died in those thirty-six hours and I'm just a shell of my former self. 

I make myself join the world everyday and I try to participate but it's not a cake walk. I try not to walk to the cake. I've been slipping lately. The other day I stopped for my dinner because H was out at band stuff. I found myself adding a piece of chocolate cake to the order. I don't normally do that but on this day I gave in to my reflection self and threw the control out the window. 

So now it's Wednesday and I'm working myself back on track. I don't need to really look like I feel. I need to find my real self in the mirror again. The one who believes in herself. The one who can face the challenges in life and come out stronger. That brave mask works well to most people who see me but I'm not always strong and independent. I really would like to have those strong arms around me loving me. I would like to know I'm interesting and worth spending time being silly and fun. It's up to me to find the strength to know I matter to myself consistently first! I have to fight through the bad days and believe I'm strong, smart, funny and loveable!