Sunday, January 13, 2013

Limbo without a stick!!

"I don't want to die but I don't want to live. "

A patient said those words to me today and I instantly understood! I knew what he was explaining to me. I wanted to stand and shout I get it!! The trouble is having faith that being in this purgatory is where you are supposed to be for the moment. I want to understand but just to have blind faith is very hard to do. 

How many times have we spent as children being told look before you cross the street, check the pool before you dive in, watch for snakes in the brush? Yet we are expected to have blind faith that our life has a purpose. I'm trying but I still have so many questions. Why did I find love from a person that made me feel complete? Why do I see the world full of goodness and kindness even when I've been ripped apart at the seams? What do I have to do for someone to look at me and tell me they see me? Why am I still afraid of my own shadow? 

We have all these rules yet the same patient told me today, "Why can't the rest of the world be like you are? You give from your heart and ask nothing in return. You genuinely care about those around you but others don't act like that when they should!"  How can a patient with a severe stroke see that in me? I don't see that in me! There are things in my life that have happened that I've only shared with one person and he left me so those heartaches are mine left to bear. Yes I've given them to God and can still love those around me but there will come a time when I can't take anymore. What am I supposed to do then? I feel my strength draining but then I'm given a message like today. 

I hear the answers to my prayers and feel a revitalization in my heart. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I want to be wrapped into a warm embrace where someone will hold me, share my prayers and just be understood with a look that I'm not alone when I need a boost. It happens all the time when I feel the overcoming need to choose death versus life. Someone reaches out and my prayers are answered. I miss being silly! I miss laughing at craziness around me with someone who sees the world for what it is. I miss the person who would sit on the floor beside me and pester me into laughter. I miss what it means to be able to share a light bulb moment across the waves in and text. I miss the phone bill with the thousands of messages. 

I miss really feeling like I'm living in the moments without an effort. Life is still an effort. Living is still an effort. Why can't someone just come sit as close to me on the couch and read over my shoulder as I type? Why can't someone else join me in a game of Yahtzee on the iPhone all curled up together. I miss the feeling like I'm living effortlessly.  I still have moments where just breathing is saddening and maddening at the same time. Yet I keep asking to be surrounded with light and love, guided protected and shown the way! Maybe I ask for too much!!  Life is the limbo without the stick!!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Snapshots

Snapshots

My memories are there. Someday they may fade but my heart still knows love. I drove along my path, doing my errands and making decisions along the way. I only knew the things I had to do but not where I would land. Along the way during the day I decided to head to my Mom's.  I spent a lot of time on my journey. The car seems to be a place for my heart to find comfort. After Scott died it was the only place I felt any control. My friends made sure I was safe but let me guide the way. 

My mind jumps from topic to topic and those that are closest to me are the ones where our conversations are circular and never end. Those are the people I'm drawn to but aren't those the best people to have? The ones who time and space cease to exist no matter how long it's been since you've seen them. 

Scott and I used to have this ongoing conversation about knowing when a moment is right and life is to short not to believe in those you love! He gave me love to keep living forward. My prayers are answered daily in little ways and I know it is my duty to listen to those softly spoken instructions in my heart. My path lead me to my Mom. This week was a struggle for her with the birthdays of my Grandmother and my Aunt. She needed me to visit and I heard the whisper. 

There are people in my life that I can never repay. I do my best but I can only give from my heart and hope they know the strength they have given me to live. My house may be empty but my love is full. Scott is still part of that love. On my way to my Mom's I had a lot of things to process. How do you explain to people that they have touched your life enough to keep you here on this plane of existence? Yes Hannah is my reason for living but there are some who often remind me of that without knowing. 

I got a text today that reminds me my friends love me and will protect me. They have figured out what I'm trying to ignore - April 4th. They know I need them and will be there for me on the day I would chose not to see. It is okay my prayers are answered each day. I am surrounded by light and love. I'm guided and protected and one day my love will soar once again. Until that day I will listen to he whispers and find the road to travel. I will review the snapshots in my mind and cherish the memories.

On the way home it dawned on me I needed to be at Mom's too. I remembered the road travel three years ago, tasting wedding cakes, spotting bald eagles and being cared for when I had the flu. My weekend was different but I was able to make new snapshots of memories. I was able to pray to continue to find my way because I'm listening to the whispers guiding me on my journey.