A patient said those words to me today and I instantly understood! I knew what he was explaining to me. I wanted to stand and shout I get it!! The trouble is having faith that being in this purgatory is where you are supposed to be for the moment. I want to understand but just to have blind faith is very hard to do.
How many times have we spent as children being told look before you cross the street, check the pool before you dive in, watch for snakes in the brush? Yet we are expected to have blind faith that our life has a purpose. I'm trying but I still have so many questions. Why did I find love from a person that made me feel complete? Why do I see the world full of goodness and kindness even when I've been ripped apart at the seams? What do I have to do for someone to look at me and tell me they see me? Why am I still afraid of my own shadow?
We have all these rules yet the same patient told me today, "Why can't the rest of the world be like you are? You give from your heart and ask nothing in return. You genuinely care about those around you but others don't act like that when they should!" How can a patient with a severe stroke see that in me? I don't see that in me! There are things in my life that have happened that I've only shared with one person and he left me so those heartaches are mine left to bear. Yes I've given them to God and can still love those around me but there will come a time when I can't take anymore. What am I supposed to do then? I feel my strength draining but then I'm given a message like today.
I hear the answers to my prayers and feel a revitalization in my heart. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I want to be wrapped into a warm embrace where someone will hold me, share my prayers and just be understood with a look that I'm not alone when I need a boost. It happens all the time when I feel the overcoming need to choose death versus life. Someone reaches out and my prayers are answered. I miss being silly! I miss laughing at craziness around me with someone who sees the world for what it is. I miss the person who would sit on the floor beside me and pester me into laughter. I miss what it means to be able to share a light bulb moment across the waves in and text. I miss the phone bill with the thousands of messages.
I miss really feeling like I'm living in the moments without an effort. Life is still an effort. Living is still an effort. Why can't someone just come sit as close to me on the couch and read over my shoulder as I type? Why can't someone else join me in a game of Yahtzee on the iPhone all curled up together. I miss the feeling like I'm living effortlessly. I still have moments where just breathing is saddening and maddening at the same time. Yet I keep asking to be surrounded with light and love, guided protected and shown the way! Maybe I ask for too much!! Life is the limbo without the stick!!
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