Did you know people like to blame and find reasons for their bad behaviors. I'm no different. I'm afflicted just as we all are but I try not to be. Is it an excuse that I have MS or PTSD? No but they are my hurdles. I cope with the challenges and try to overcome. Do people have excuses for being rude and self centered. Sure they do and most often they choose to blame others versus looking into themselves. I know none of us are perfect but those we hurt tend to be those we are closest too. Somehow the bad excuses are forgiven.
I'm struggling with staying in society. I often wonder how someone can choose to know what they are going to do will hurt someone and hide the fact they are doing it. I could point fingers but then I become part of the situation that is the problem. I spend my days thinking of others. I'm always doing and giving. Jealously can be hidden in manipulation. And when someone is called out for being rude you are the horrible insecure person.
I'm trying. I'm really trying. It amazes me how often people I don't even think about try to wiggle into a situation they should just observe. Then I lose my cool when that's what they want in the first place. If you want my life you can have it. I focus my energy on the things that make me live in the moment but I don't want to be here. A friend died of cancer, a patient had a family member that was murdered recently. I'd change places with them in an instant. I live. I'm not miserable. I have joy. But something is missing. And it gets worse when someone takes the moments I find pleasure in for themselves.
How do you tactfully tell someone to go jump in a lake? You can't so then I become the doormat. It just becomes easier to become nothing. Block people from your life. Become a recluse. I read an article tonight about a woman who became so reclusive her home was falling down around her. The neighbors came in and they all became friends by helping her. I'm by no means a social butterfly. Large groups overwhelm me. People keep trying to get me to their church. I understand why. They care. I have God in my life. I welcome my spiritual side but panic attacks make me struggle with the peace others derive from church groups. My ministry is found in my patients. God's message comes to me through them.
I sat in my car in my garage at 3 am recently. Just sat there sobbing. It's a good thing my job requires me to be in my car frequently because since Scott died it's a comfort zone. I spend so much time considering others feelings before I act some times that I neglect my own needs. I forget others aren't of the same frame of mind or would just rather act then deal later with the consequences. Sucks to be the consequence. Ok back to the car. I thought about turning it on. Then I could truly give everyone the gift of never considering me in their plans again. You know what stopped me? Moose!! He was pawing and crying at the garage door.
I worked the next day. My first patient and his wife find joy in my ministry. A patient, who a week ago could barely count was now speaking in full sentences. My next patient wants to return to her job as a counselor. She keeps inviting me to dinner with her family. My next patient lives alone and also wants to return to her job as a counselor. We laugh and joke and giggle like little girls. My next patient only laughs and smiles with me. She tells me she can't do this without me. My next patient lies in bed at night thinking of stories to tell me of her life and has finally been able to recall her address. My last patient is slowly dying of CHF. His wife need the visit more than he does.
People who should matter in my life choose to make me the bad guy. I get to make someone else's life matter with my patients. A friend recently liked two posts in a row of mine on FB. I texted and asked if the friend had been hit in the head because they stopped liking posts of mine years ago even though we used to talk/text daily. A life change for the friend has made contact less frequent of their part. It is what happens. The response I got was "just wanted you to know I was thinking about you." I was joking but in all jokes are pieces of truth. Life changes it evolves. The people we want to make a priority changes. I get it. I'm not sad. I'm not lonely. I just think I exist but not always sure of the purpose. But my story about my friend is they made an effort to remind me I matter. Life changes but I'm thought of. Those moments show someone you care.
You all can truly get along without me. My child is grown, my parents are busy, my friends have lives, my neighbors are busy. Moose needs me. That water dish doesn't fill itself. I know I'm replaceable. Those are the thoughts of loss and despair. I have them. I fight them. Sometimes one moment at a time. The next time you decide to tell someone their feelings don't matter that life isn't about them, Remember we all need to be loved. We all need to feel special in something that we need, an event we create, a birthday to celebrate, a gift we give, a request for assistance. When someone does something from their heart for you means they need you. Don't step on them and tell them they are unjustified and insecure. If you didn't worry about that you wouldn't hide behind your actions. Spread love not sadness and hate. Ask how someone feels don't just assume. We all matter and if I chose to include you, you mattered.
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Listening to understand.
This week has been overwhelming emotionally, spiritually, publicly, nationally, privately, personally and sometimes meanest, cruelest ways possible. Not just for me but I'm sure for others. There are people now grieving who shouldn't have to be there if we would just listen to each other. I can't speak for others, only from my eyes, heart and hurt. If you recognize yourself in anything I write then maybe we all need a lesson.
I make no secret of my personal demons because maybe someone will learn how to help someone else along the way. I think I see our entire nation suffering from PTSD and not enough resources to help those in need. I'm not a gun advocate or opponent. I think our forefathers spelled that out pretty clearly if you want them you can. I don't want them so I don't have one. Our troubles go beyond guns and violence. I have had a conversations recently with others who were put out I choose to voice my thoughts and feelings on my own life experiences rather happy, sad, whatever state I may be in through a manner of my own choosing.
We all have feelings and we all choose to express them in manners that may or may not be acceptable. I'm sure we all agree shooting at people you don't know isn't an acceptable form of expression. But if someone is hurting letting them talk may make you uncomfortable. I think we all just want to be heard. I hear my friends saying they are oppressed and treated unfairly. But know that it wasn't me. I just don't know how to make it right except acknowledging your feelings and listening. We as a individuals need to have the hard discussions about living forward and loving each other. My life experiences make me different than you but that doesn't mean my life has been easier or harder. I work everyday to get out of bed. I'm the only one who can make that choice.
We all need to listen with love and understanding. If someone tells me their feelings are hurt I don't get to decide they aren't. I can choose to listen to their pain and need to be a better friend for them. If someone tells me that someone else hurt them I can't change their pain but I could make them hurt worse by not listening to their pain and deciding I knew what they needed more than they did. That is our problem. We don't listen and respect one another. Our pot stirrers don't want us to listen to each other they only want us to be in distress. They want to swoop in and fix at just the right time to make themselves look better.
I'm losing my train of thought in the emotions of the week. Life may not be all holding hands and singing camp fire songs but we have to reach out and hold hands. We have to find a common point of life. It may be through loss, birth, tragedy, joy, pain or love but it's there. We all have a common bond in life and that is the ability to feel. If you can calmly tell someone that they don't have the right to feel then you are part of the problem. That shooter may have had feelings but his expression wasn't acceptable. A dear friend of mine taking her own life wasn't acceptable. We need to be okay with expression with words. We need to listen for understanding not response. I don't need someone to fix me I need someone to hear me say I'm hurting. I'm the only one who can keep myself going but being acknowledged and not fixed to be molded in what another wants me to be. I am my life experiences and I just want to be told I'm enough and I matter. I'm not broken just a little bent.
We all want to be enough for someone. We all want to be loved for who we are. The only person that can change me is me. My emotions matter, your emotions matter. We all matter. We all love. And it really is okay if my feelings get hurt, I can express that, make you uncomfortable, and we grow from the experience. Life is full of challenges don't let someone steal your joy. Start with yourself and listen to understand not to comment. You may learn something about your own heart along the way.
I make no secret of my personal demons because maybe someone will learn how to help someone else along the way. I think I see our entire nation suffering from PTSD and not enough resources to help those in need. I'm not a gun advocate or opponent. I think our forefathers spelled that out pretty clearly if you want them you can. I don't want them so I don't have one. Our troubles go beyond guns and violence. I have had a conversations recently with others who were put out I choose to voice my thoughts and feelings on my own life experiences rather happy, sad, whatever state I may be in through a manner of my own choosing.
We all have feelings and we all choose to express them in manners that may or may not be acceptable. I'm sure we all agree shooting at people you don't know isn't an acceptable form of expression. But if someone is hurting letting them talk may make you uncomfortable. I think we all just want to be heard. I hear my friends saying they are oppressed and treated unfairly. But know that it wasn't me. I just don't know how to make it right except acknowledging your feelings and listening. We as a individuals need to have the hard discussions about living forward and loving each other. My life experiences make me different than you but that doesn't mean my life has been easier or harder. I work everyday to get out of bed. I'm the only one who can make that choice.
We all need to listen with love and understanding. If someone tells me their feelings are hurt I don't get to decide they aren't. I can choose to listen to their pain and need to be a better friend for them. If someone tells me that someone else hurt them I can't change their pain but I could make them hurt worse by not listening to their pain and deciding I knew what they needed more than they did. That is our problem. We don't listen and respect one another. Our pot stirrers don't want us to listen to each other they only want us to be in distress. They want to swoop in and fix at just the right time to make themselves look better.
I'm losing my train of thought in the emotions of the week. Life may not be all holding hands and singing camp fire songs but we have to reach out and hold hands. We have to find a common point of life. It may be through loss, birth, tragedy, joy, pain or love but it's there. We all have a common bond in life and that is the ability to feel. If you can calmly tell someone that they don't have the right to feel then you are part of the problem. That shooter may have had feelings but his expression wasn't acceptable. A dear friend of mine taking her own life wasn't acceptable. We need to be okay with expression with words. We need to listen for understanding not response. I don't need someone to fix me I need someone to hear me say I'm hurting. I'm the only one who can keep myself going but being acknowledged and not fixed to be molded in what another wants me to be. I am my life experiences and I just want to be told I'm enough and I matter. I'm not broken just a little bent.
We all want to be enough for someone. We all want to be loved for who we are. The only person that can change me is me. My emotions matter, your emotions matter. We all matter. We all love. And it really is okay if my feelings get hurt, I can express that, make you uncomfortable, and we grow from the experience. Life is full of challenges don't let someone steal your joy. Start with yourself and listen to understand not to comment. You may learn something about your own heart along the way.
Saturday, June 25, 2016
Six Years and Counting
I've tried over the years to know how to keep my emotions inside but I've learned I can't do it. I end up needing to be checked into the psych unit. I don't get why people think I have to live by their rules so I just don't bother anymore. I know my limits and refuse to be a pawn in someone else's games. I rarely ask for something from others unless it's important to me. I'm really good at hearing what others want and helping them achieve. That doesn't work in the reverse. I end up disappointed and crying for days when I feel stepped on. I get over it. Life moves forward and I retreat into my best space alone.
I have a few people who take the time to hear me say what I can't put into words. Those people have really been the lifeline for me over the past six years. Scott, however, was the only one who was there without me needing to speak a word of what I wanted. He could look and just know. I never had to ask twice and sometimes I never had to ask at all. My other half. He made me a better person and now I fail miserably except with my patients. If I ask for something it's not to hear myself speak. I ask because I can't do it alone.
I'm not a selfish, self centered person. When I'm doing something I rarely do for myself. Even working on scrapbooks or craft projects my thoughts are always for H after I'm gone or the person who is to receive. Driving my Mom to a family reunion because she didn't really need to go alone, cooking for myself and making exrtra for my freezer friend. I get out of bed everyday for my patients and my daughter. I have no other reason to live.
I really wish I could do away with the calendar. Wipe it clean and not remember dates. Except my brain has a computer that knows days and love association. June and into July are big ones. I function, barely. One of my patients told me I deserve to be in a funk one day when she said I looked off. She made me tell her it was Scott's birthday. No matter how hard I try those happy times should still be happening but I'm left with the tears and dates on the calendar. Should of, would of, could of are always part of my forever vocabulary. I can see myself walking down the aisle of The Castle to the music from Impressions de France to a man who never once had anything but love in his eyes for me wearing the attire we lovingly picked out together that I chose to bury him in.
Next week is my birthday and due to some unfortunate events and happiness for others I will work and go home to my kitties. My birthday has only ever been a priority to Scott. It happens when a major holiday and summer are involved. He knew the depth it bothered me to be pushed to another date. He just knew my heart. I will never replace that. I will never try. I will get out of bed for my patients and my daughter. I will continue to do for others because that is where my heart goes and someday I will get to walk down the aisle to the man who will forever have my heart in the castle of his design. Happy Anniversay six years and counting My Love.
I have a few people who take the time to hear me say what I can't put into words. Those people have really been the lifeline for me over the past six years. Scott, however, was the only one who was there without me needing to speak a word of what I wanted. He could look and just know. I never had to ask twice and sometimes I never had to ask at all. My other half. He made me a better person and now I fail miserably except with my patients. If I ask for something it's not to hear myself speak. I ask because I can't do it alone.
I'm not a selfish, self centered person. When I'm doing something I rarely do for myself. Even working on scrapbooks or craft projects my thoughts are always for H after I'm gone or the person who is to receive. Driving my Mom to a family reunion because she didn't really need to go alone, cooking for myself and making exrtra for my freezer friend. I get out of bed everyday for my patients and my daughter. I have no other reason to live.
I really wish I could do away with the calendar. Wipe it clean and not remember dates. Except my brain has a computer that knows days and love association. June and into July are big ones. I function, barely. One of my patients told me I deserve to be in a funk one day when she said I looked off. She made me tell her it was Scott's birthday. No matter how hard I try those happy times should still be happening but I'm left with the tears and dates on the calendar. Should of, would of, could of are always part of my forever vocabulary. I can see myself walking down the aisle of The Castle to the music from Impressions de France to a man who never once had anything but love in his eyes for me wearing the attire we lovingly picked out together that I chose to bury him in.
Next week is my birthday and due to some unfortunate events and happiness for others I will work and go home to my kitties. My birthday has only ever been a priority to Scott. It happens when a major holiday and summer are involved. He knew the depth it bothered me to be pushed to another date. He just knew my heart. I will never replace that. I will never try. I will get out of bed for my patients and my daughter. I will continue to do for others because that is where my heart goes and someday I will get to walk down the aisle to the man who will forever have my heart in the castle of his design. Happy Anniversay six years and counting My Love.
Friday, February 19, 2016
Life Moves on but then it doesnt...
Tonight I was fortunate enough to have dinner with a very nice lady who has become a friend in a few short months. I was reminded of how far my life has moved on but yet it still feels like yesterday. I'm living alone with my house of cats in a new place and my wonderful job. I have neighbors I adore and invite me to dinner. They love me for me. My cat waits for me at the back door when he hears the garage, comes when he is called, digs my makeup out of my bag and loves me without question unless I forget to do his bidding. I have a daughter who calls me from college just to chat when she needs me. My parents love me and build shelves for me. My insurance agent friend knows I need to be taken care of when I'm rear ended. My BFF finds a flight to leave the frigid north to come see me soon. I have a life of love and laughter. I have blessings. I am fortunate.
Tonight I was reminded that we need to share our blessings. Allow others to be an ear when we are sad, be a sounding board because we may discover an answer we didn't see. I came home tonight pulled into the garage and looked all around at the things high on the shelves of all that Scott left behind. Those things don't keep me warm, they don't hold my hand, they don't hug me when I need to be comforted. I looked around knowing I was walking into an empty house that I didn't have too. I could be done with life surrounded by things of a memory. But then I always remember that may only fix my problem but creates more for others.
I don't need to be fixed, I don't want someone to fix me. I just keep one foot in front of the other to help someone else. I tell my patients everyday, they aren't a project for me. I'm just hear to listen and guide them to fix themselves. I'm bossy but you get to do all the work. There is not a person in my world who needs to be fixed. We are all chipped and cracked but we are all miracles. I've never been perfect but I keep going. My life changed but it really hasn't. I'm still me. I'm still here just a new me.
There are many days when I think I don't matter but then the random Friday night call from my beautiful girl talking and sharing and needing to have her Mom, the friend who is going through a hard time but needs space before accepting a shoulder, the patient who had a stroke at 27 and can finally stick her tongue past her lip because she has been frozen in her body, the patient who graduates from therapy today eating, drinking and no trach, the stick I received my sweet neighbor boy because he loves me as I talk to his Mom about medical things she is having or the text from my Mom sharing the floor tile she can still do at 70+. I matter to people and I make a rosy spot in their lives. It would matter to them if I weren't here. Just like it matters to me that Scott is gone, BetsyAnn left us, and others before them. My heart is fuller because they loved me but sad because they left with so much still to do.
Now how do I convince someone that it is OK to take a hug on a bad day? The greatest gift we can give one another is kindness and compassion. I can't fix anyone and some days not even myself but I can love. In the end that is really all I have of any value. Now off to contemplate where I'm supposed to be or do next because the message I'm receiving in my heart says it all just not how to get there.
Tonight I was reminded that we need to share our blessings. Allow others to be an ear when we are sad, be a sounding board because we may discover an answer we didn't see. I came home tonight pulled into the garage and looked all around at the things high on the shelves of all that Scott left behind. Those things don't keep me warm, they don't hold my hand, they don't hug me when I need to be comforted. I looked around knowing I was walking into an empty house that I didn't have too. I could be done with life surrounded by things of a memory. But then I always remember that may only fix my problem but creates more for others.
I don't need to be fixed, I don't want someone to fix me. I just keep one foot in front of the other to help someone else. I tell my patients everyday, they aren't a project for me. I'm just hear to listen and guide them to fix themselves. I'm bossy but you get to do all the work. There is not a person in my world who needs to be fixed. We are all chipped and cracked but we are all miracles. I've never been perfect but I keep going. My life changed but it really hasn't. I'm still me. I'm still here just a new me.
There are many days when I think I don't matter but then the random Friday night call from my beautiful girl talking and sharing and needing to have her Mom, the friend who is going through a hard time but needs space before accepting a shoulder, the patient who had a stroke at 27 and can finally stick her tongue past her lip because she has been frozen in her body, the patient who graduates from therapy today eating, drinking and no trach, the stick I received my sweet neighbor boy because he loves me as I talk to his Mom about medical things she is having or the text from my Mom sharing the floor tile she can still do at 70+. I matter to people and I make a rosy spot in their lives. It would matter to them if I weren't here. Just like it matters to me that Scott is gone, BetsyAnn left us, and others before them. My heart is fuller because they loved me but sad because they left with so much still to do.
Now how do I convince someone that it is OK to take a hug on a bad day? The greatest gift we can give one another is kindness and compassion. I can't fix anyone and some days not even myself but I can love. In the end that is really all I have of any value. Now off to contemplate where I'm supposed to be or do next because the message I'm receiving in my heart says it all just not how to get there.
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