Good Enough

Honor your commitments. I'm not always the best at this. Sometimes I remind myself why I'm doing something when I'd rather be selfish. There are things I've done I had to convince myself to do. Volunteering for The Army Marathon, going to work everyday, helping one more person than my health should allow, fighting through the pain in my heart to provide a life for my daughter. I do these things because that's where I'm supposed to be. 

I may not have been the best with marriage with H dad. Do I regret that I walked away? Sure but it was the right thing to do for our daughter. She didn't deserve to grow up on the path we were on. It's never been her fault and choosing to make it all right by her was always the best decision. Did I want to hang out with his new wife. Not really but if it meant H got to have both parents for a trip or holiday it was the right choice. It was never easy because she's bossy, controlling and God forbid she has to actually participate with me. Then I'm the one who is bossy and controlling when I can bend no more. I was willing to be there as a family for H. 

I've spent my life doing what everyone else wants. I feel like I'm invisible until I'm an inconvenience and voice I'm hurt. I'm not allowed to have feelings. Everyone just wants to pat me on the head and tell me to be the good little girl. Do you not hear me? So now I'm selfish and self centered because I want my daughter to be able to find her own feet. Marriage isn't a guarantee. Being able to do for yourself before adding more to your life is important. Because I'm the voice of life I'm an inconvenience. Pat me on the head, shut me up and just write the checks, we only need your money. 

I'm not good enough for anyone. If I didn't check into FB each day would you notice? If I died tonight who would notice? Not my daughter, not my mother. My patients would notice only because I honor my commitments to them. My entire life I've never been good enough. I was never a good enough daughter no matter how hard I tried, my brother is always better even though he's had his struggles. I was never a good enough wife. H dad could never defend me against his sister or his mother. I was only good enough for his mom on her death bed when she apologized and told me I was a great Mom and was a good wife (we had just finalized our divorce). I was enough for Scott but now he's gone and I'm not even good enough to send silly cat videos to or jokes. I'm not good enough.

I'm not good enough for my daughter when I ask her to look beyond 22. When I ask her to see life and the future I'm not good enough. I'm only good enough when she gets her way and I'm a checkbook with no questions asked. Now she has her dad to pay the bills. Wow. He couldn't do that when she was younger but to pay for her love now. Check he's got that. Remind him of what it was like growing up with a mom who struggled paycheck to paycheck. At 22 learn to stand on your own feet before you take on marriage and working full time while your husband goes to Med school. Love and money aren't contingent upon each other in my heart. 

I'm not enough to be important to anyone to respect and honor. I'm too emotional. I'm too fat. I don't dress right.. I'm an embarrassment. I'm not good enough as a Mom. I'm sorry I'm too broken. I happen to think I amazing. I know my limits. I try new things and I try to be the best I can be on any given day. That's not good enough for anyone else to love. To have the courtesy to discuss a situation. Oh wait lets just plan things behind her back, maybe she won't notice. Let's block her because she just doesn't get it. That's the problem, I do get it.  

I truly just want to die to be done with this life. I help everyone else. I love my patients. Today I discharged a patient who has her memory coming back in six weeks we did that together. She kept telling me thank you for guiding her. I give them back things I've lost but I don't get to have the same. I'm out of will to keep giving to everyone else and just be good enough when I'm the good little girl who is doing just what everyone else want, when I don't have feelings or emotions. 

I keep going even though I don't want to anymore. My heart isn't in life anymore. You can only take so much of only being needed when someone wants something before you crack. I'm beyond cracked. I'm now so broken I sit alone and cry daily. I wonder what my life has been about when I'm not good enough for my daughter, my Mom, Mike and others. I'm not perfect but I still have a heart. We are ultimately responsible for each other. If we weren't we wouldn't be such social beings. 

Do you know what it's like to be on the phone with a 'friend' who only calls to share their good news? And you listen but when you say something they have to go. Do you know what it's like to have things to say and be told, "we aren't talking about that anymore." Yes just keep your mouth shut, pay for things and don't have wants and needs. Yes I've been to counseling. I'm just tired. My brain hurts, my body is shutting down. I'm broken. I'm not good enough. Words are meaningless but actions say it all. I do so much for others but I'm not good enough. 

Now my head hurts less and I can finish my day. Helping those who need my gifts. Helping those who are in my life for just a short time. Those people I know I impact on a daily basis to keep living forward. Even when I want to curl up in a ball and just be done with life. 

I give you wings and hope you soar.

I've started this a thousand times because we all know writing was handed to me by my therapist years ago in times of stress to deescalate myself. I've been trying.

So let me start by saying the agreement made with H to pay for myself and her dad to pay for college was on the terms that she must finish before becoming engaged. This conversation began when she was in high school and started dating. This conversation had continued over various checkpoints even as she entered into a new relationship and then as she became serious of 'he's the one'. The last major episode was when she changed her major unbeknownst to us. The three of us sat down to discuss after a week of tears and you don't understands to reach a compromise. The last check point was no engagement until you graduate.

You see I have this crazy thought as a mother my job isn't to be her best friend and unconditional love includes making sure she can care for herself without a man. I've lost so much of my heart when I lost Scott but H was always number one. She and I had many discussions about taking time to grow into yourself before you take on the responsibility of a daily full time relationship. It sounds all wonderful but what happens if you are suddenly thrust into a life alone? I don't doubt her ability to finish college but I do doubt her ability to survive the pain if she's never been truly alone.  But in all things she is now 21.

Her dad texted me recently and said her boyfriend wanted to talk to him. We both knew what that meant as I'd been reminding H of her commitment to us. I could see the changes and I was prepared. Or so I thought. She's still not had to live on her own. She's had a part time job, her dad paid her rent/health insurance/sorority while I paid her tuition/car insurance/just about everything else. She was supposed to use her part time job to fund her sorority but she conned her Dad into doing that. I'm never sure what she tells him but when he gets around to even thinking about telling me stuff I know she's lied to him.

During our conversation I asked he made sure her boyfriend, B know of her commitment to us to finish college before becoming engaged and the ramifications. H 'convinced' me she wouldn't even start planning the wedding until she graduated. She had just recently transferred to nursing school two hours from B and is living rent free in his parents garage apartment. That was all fine except it increased the financial burden on myself and her father. Sure rent free is great but she no longer has a part time job so we were funding her lifestyle and the doubling of her tuition. I'd asked repeatedly that she look at a part time job. Most places work well with college students and she had enough free time to play.

She had also had an accident and her car insurance increased by $50 month, she broke her cell phone and I paid for the new one. She broke her laptop or it broke and her dad gave her repair money but then I get the frantic phone call that it was too expensive. I ended up being cheaper to order a new one. Which she and I did together over the phone. Because of the distance she was able to go to her local Apple Store and pick it up. What you all don't know about her behavior patterns is her history of manipulation and giving me the evil Mom status to her dad who then has to back track to find the middle of this. He's a great guy but he sucks at conflict.

When Scott was alive he was magic. He was able to get her and I to meet in the middle. I know I'm not blameless in all of this but I hate people treating me like I'm stupid. I see everything and she knows the rules. She calls her dad frequently after Scott died saying I was mean and she was afraid of me. I can be pushed, I'm human and I yell. I generally calm down let me stew and try to understand the other side. I spend my days analyzing others behaviors trying to help them succeed at life. Sometimes I suck at it for myself but don't we all. The 'I'm afraid of her behavior' generally happens when she has broken a rule and wants to avoid punishment. I'm such a horrible mother as to take away her phone. Now I'm horrible because I refuse to be the bank of Mom.

I actually am very happy for them both. I want them to have a life together. I want them to know live but I also know real life and want them to be prepared. Somewhere they have become convinced it all must happen now. She knew my stance and that I was prepared to stick to my financial arrangement with her. Do I think I'm right? Not always. Do I want control? No!! I want to know I've done my job as her Mom to raise her to take care of herself, love her and for her to know even if she's screws up or I think she's wrong I still love her. 

My bank account does not equal unconditional love. No matter what she thinks, her dad thinks, B thinks or even his parents think supporting my daughter doesn't always mean throwing money at her. Being a good parent equals the hard life lessons. His parents offered me money and told me to give up my Disney trips to make whatever she wants happen. Um first of all I don't even ask my own mother for money, allowed her Dad to not pay full child support and survive on my own as I was taught. You don't know me! Secondly my Disney budget is a separate line item in my accounting. It is my only joy and after everything I've lived through I get to have that. 

I'm trying very hard not to keep score but I've made sacrifices for her that she will never understand. I can't even begin to list then because their is no point and it is what a mother does. She is my heart. She is spreading her wings. I've made the hard choice to step back from her life. Luckily for her she has learned how to manipulate others to get her way. I'm not sure where that behavior began but as her Mom, I'm saddened. I don't want to control her. I want to give her wings. My view of the world comes from being forced to survive on my own. My own mother pushed me and right or wrong I flew. Did she do the same for my younger brother? Nope. His rules were always different. She didn't want me to be like her. I graduated with my Master's at 23. I know how to support myself. 

Her Dad and I were better off as friends. I still love him but I don't regret leaving. I knew it would just get worse. I do, however, regret I couldn't love him together. I do still love him. He gave me my greatest joy in H.  I want her to have wings. If this were about money I would be on the phone with the lawyer getting my car and cell phone back. Do I want to? Sometimes yes because I'm hurt. I feel betrayed. She has chosen to cut me off without talking when I asked for her to talk to me as an adult. Is going to his parents okay place for me to be to talk to them all? Not for my sanity. My health is suffering and bluntly what I can and can't pay for is none of their business. 

I'm going to always be here for her. I'm taking care of her dying cat because I love her. Me loving her isn't based on how I'm treated. Am I hurt by her yes just as I'm sure she is hurt by my decision to honor our agreement but I still love her. She has a life to live. I don't want to stop her but nor do I have to supply the funds. I was willing to find a middle but that wasn't good for her. I can only pray I've given her enough love and values to know she always has my heart.