I've started this a thousand times because we all know writing was handed to me by my therapist years ago in times of stress to deescalate myself. I've been trying.
So let me start by saying the agreement made with H to pay for myself and her dad to pay for college was on the terms that she must finish before becoming engaged. This conversation began when she was in high school and started dating. This conversation had continued over various checkpoints even as she entered into a new relationship and then as she became serious of 'he's the one'. The last major episode was when she changed her major unbeknownst to us. The three of us sat down to discuss after a week of tears and you don't understands to reach a compromise. The last check point was no engagement until you graduate.
You see I have this crazy thought as a mother my job isn't to be her best friend and unconditional love includes making sure she can care for herself without a man. I've lost so much of my heart when I lost Scott but H was always number one. She and I had many discussions about taking time to grow into yourself before you take on the responsibility of a daily full time relationship. It sounds all wonderful but what happens if you are suddenly thrust into a life alone? I don't doubt her ability to finish college but I do doubt her ability to survive the pain if she's never been truly alone. But in all things she is now 21.
Her dad texted me recently and said her boyfriend wanted to talk to him. We both knew what that meant as I'd been reminding H of her commitment to us. I could see the changes and I was prepared. Or so I thought. She's still not had to live on her own. She's had a part time job, her dad paid her rent/health insurance/sorority while I paid her tuition/car insurance/just about everything else. She was supposed to use her part time job to fund her sorority but she conned her Dad into doing that. I'm never sure what she tells him but when he gets around to even thinking about telling me stuff I know she's lied to him.
During our conversation I asked he made sure her boyfriend, B know of her commitment to us to finish college before becoming engaged and the ramifications. H 'convinced' me she wouldn't even start planning the wedding until she graduated. She had just recently transferred to nursing school two hours from B and is living rent free in his parents garage apartment. That was all fine except it increased the financial burden on myself and her father. Sure rent free is great but she no longer has a part time job so we were funding her lifestyle and the doubling of her tuition. I'd asked repeatedly that she look at a part time job. Most places work well with college students and she had enough free time to play.
She had also had an accident and her car insurance increased by $50 month, she broke her cell phone and I paid for the new one. She broke her laptop or it broke and her dad gave her repair money but then I get the frantic phone call that it was too expensive. I ended up being cheaper to order a new one. Which she and I did together over the phone. Because of the distance she was able to go to her local Apple Store and pick it up. What you all don't know about her behavior patterns is her history of manipulation and giving me the evil Mom status to her dad who then has to back track to find the middle of this. He's a great guy but he sucks at conflict.
When Scott was alive he was magic. He was able to get her and I to meet in the middle. I know I'm not blameless in all of this but I hate people treating me like I'm stupid. I see everything and she knows the rules. She calls her dad frequently after Scott died saying I was mean and she was afraid of me. I can be pushed, I'm human and I yell. I generally calm down let me stew and try to understand the other side. I spend my days analyzing others behaviors trying to help them succeed at life. Sometimes I suck at it for myself but don't we all. The 'I'm afraid of her behavior' generally happens when she has broken a rule and wants to avoid punishment. I'm such a horrible mother as to take away her phone. Now I'm horrible because I refuse to be the bank of Mom.
I actually am very happy for them both. I want them to have a life together. I want them to know live but I also know real life and want them to be prepared. Somewhere they have become convinced it all must happen now. She knew my stance and that I was prepared to stick to my financial arrangement with her. Do I think I'm right? Not always. Do I want control? No!! I want to know I've done my job as her Mom to raise her to take care of herself, love her and for her to know even if she's screws up or I think she's wrong I still love her.
My bank account does not equal unconditional love. No matter what she thinks, her dad thinks, B thinks or even his parents think supporting my daughter doesn't always mean throwing money at her. Being a good parent equals the hard life lessons. His parents offered me money and told me to give up my Disney trips to make whatever she wants happen. Um first of all I don't even ask my own mother for money, allowed her Dad to not pay full child support and survive on my own as I was taught. You don't know me! Secondly my Disney budget is a separate line item in my accounting. It is my only joy and after everything I've lived through I get to have that.
I'm trying very hard not to keep score but I've made sacrifices for her that she will never understand. I can't even begin to list then because their is no point and it is what a mother does. She is my heart. She is spreading her wings. I've made the hard choice to step back from her life. Luckily for her she has learned how to manipulate others to get her way. I'm not sure where that behavior began but as her Mom, I'm saddened. I don't want to control her. I want to give her wings. My view of the world comes from being forced to survive on my own. My own mother pushed me and right or wrong I flew. Did she do the same for my younger brother? Nope. His rules were always different. She didn't want me to be like her. I graduated with my Master's at 23. I know how to support myself.
Her Dad and I were better off as friends. I still love him but I don't regret leaving. I knew it would just get worse. I do, however, regret I couldn't love him together. I do still love him. He gave me my greatest joy in H. I want her to have wings. If this were about money I would be on the phone with the lawyer getting my car and cell phone back. Do I want to? Sometimes yes because I'm hurt. I feel betrayed. She has chosen to cut me off without talking when I asked for her to talk to me as an adult. Is going to his parents okay place for me to be to talk to them all? Not for my sanity. My health is suffering and bluntly what I can and can't pay for is none of their business.
I'm going to always be here for her. I'm taking care of her dying cat because I love her. Me loving her isn't based on how I'm treated. Am I hurt by her yes just as I'm sure she is hurt by my decision to honor our agreement but I still love her. She has a life to live. I don't want to stop her but nor do I have to supply the funds. I was willing to find a middle but that wasn't good for her. I can only pray I've given her enough love and values to know she always has my heart.
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