I may not have been the best with marriage with H dad. Do I regret that I walked away? Sure but it was the right thing to do for our daughter. She didn't deserve to grow up on the path we were on. It's never been her fault and choosing to make it all right by her was always the best decision. Did I want to hang out with his new wife. Not really but if it meant H got to have both parents for a trip or holiday it was the right choice. It was never easy because she's bossy, controlling and God forbid she has to actually participate with me. Then I'm the one who is bossy and controlling when I can bend no more. I was willing to be there as a family for H.
I've spent my life doing what everyone else wants. I feel like I'm invisible until I'm an inconvenience and voice I'm hurt. I'm not allowed to have feelings. Everyone just wants to pat me on the head and tell me to be the good little girl. Do you not hear me? So now I'm selfish and self centered because I want my daughter to be able to find her own feet. Marriage isn't a guarantee. Being able to do for yourself before adding more to your life is important. Because I'm the voice of life I'm an inconvenience. Pat me on the head, shut me up and just write the checks, we only need your money.
I'm not good enough for anyone. If I didn't check into FB each day would you notice? If I died tonight who would notice? Not my daughter, not my mother. My patients would notice only because I honor my commitments to them. My entire life I've never been good enough. I was never a good enough daughter no matter how hard I tried, my brother is always better even though he's had his struggles. I was never a good enough wife. H dad could never defend me against his sister or his mother. I was only good enough for his mom on her death bed when she apologized and told me I was a great Mom and was a good wife (we had just finalized our divorce). I was enough for Scott but now he's gone and I'm not even good enough to send silly cat videos to or jokes. I'm not good enough.
I'm not good enough for my daughter when I ask her to look beyond 22. When I ask her to see life and the future I'm not good enough. I'm only good enough when she gets her way and I'm a checkbook with no questions asked. Now she has her dad to pay the bills. Wow. He couldn't do that when she was younger but to pay for her love now. Check he's got that. Remind him of what it was like growing up with a mom who struggled paycheck to paycheck. At 22 learn to stand on your own feet before you take on marriage and working full time while your husband goes to Med school. Love and money aren't contingent upon each other in my heart.
I'm not enough to be important to anyone to respect and honor. I'm too emotional. I'm too fat. I don't dress right.. I'm an embarrassment. I'm not good enough as a Mom. I'm sorry I'm too broken. I happen to think I amazing. I know my limits. I try new things and I try to be the best I can be on any given day. That's not good enough for anyone else to love. To have the courtesy to discuss a situation. Oh wait lets just plan things behind her back, maybe she won't notice. Let's block her because she just doesn't get it. That's the problem, I do get it.
I truly just want to die to be done with this life. I help everyone else. I love my patients. Today I discharged a patient who has her memory coming back in six weeks we did that together. She kept telling me thank you for guiding her. I give them back things I've lost but I don't get to have the same. I'm out of will to keep giving to everyone else and just be good enough when I'm the good little girl who is doing just what everyone else want, when I don't have feelings or emotions.
I keep going even though I don't want to anymore. My heart isn't in life anymore. You can only take so much of only being needed when someone wants something before you crack. I'm beyond cracked. I'm now so broken I sit alone and cry daily. I wonder what my life has been about when I'm not good enough for my daughter, my Mom, Mike and others. I'm not perfect but I still have a heart. We are ultimately responsible for each other. If we weren't we wouldn't be such social beings.
Do you know what it's like to be on the phone with a 'friend' who only calls to share their good news? And you listen but when you say something they have to go. Do you know what it's like to have things to say and be told, "we aren't talking about that anymore." Yes just keep your mouth shut, pay for things and don't have wants and needs. Yes I've been to counseling. I'm just tired. My brain hurts, my body is shutting down. I'm broken. I'm not good enough. Words are meaningless but actions say it all. I do so much for others but I'm not good enough.
Now my head hurts less and I can finish my day. Helping those who need my gifts. Helping those who are in my life for just a short time. Those people I know I impact on a daily basis to keep living forward. Even when I want to curl up in a ball and just be done with life.
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