Vulnerable to gratitude

“We are anxious people and we have very little tolerance for vulnerability.”- Brene Brown

Intense feelings of love will often bring up fear of loss. I’ve spent the last 7.5 years finding how to live forward and then things happen and I have set backs. How do I stop fighting my fear of joy, gratitude and happiness? I’ve been attracted to exactly one person in the entire 7.5 years. He’s the only reason I know I could feel again. Just being friends hurts too much. I push away and then I’m not good enough. I can’t be vulnerable anymore. I’m not capable but I am. I have too much fear, yet I still feel the love. Being ripped out of letting myself love someone new because I feel like I’m not good enough to trust, can I survive being hurt yet again?

“ A joyful life is made up of joyful moments gracefully strung together by trust, gratitude, inspiration and faith.” – Brene Brown 

We take those moments and we make a life. Life isn’t perfect. Do I try to be. Not really. It may seem like that to someone on the outside with being organized or doing things completely, being on time. But I don’t mind the piles of mail, cat fur and dust. A list of incomplete projects that I may get to. Until the time they begin to stress me out and I need to fix them. I like to be heard. I like to present an idea and not be shot down. I like to be a thought in someone else’s day that makes them smile. I like to know someone can call me and I see them pop up on my cell and I’m excited after a crap day. Joyful moments, loving someone because they keep saying things that make you question if there should be more or you should walk away. 

My daughter brings me joy. I love her always. I don’t love her behavior, her demands. This isn’t the girl I raised. I like to see pictures of her happy and smiling but we don’t always get our way. When your wants become demands instead of gratitude for the things you have, your life needs a step back. My life needs a step back. Do I do for her because I love her or do I do less for her because I love her more than money?  My choice, not because she demands things certain way. When her behaviors are hurting me I had to step back and reevaluate my own gratitude, joy and faith. I love her but I won’t be a doormat.  

If you have wants and you are unable to provide them for yourself you need to examine where you are. Are you in a moment of adulthood or stuck in between with adult dreams but unable to grab them on your own? If you can’t afford to live on your own without assistance you don’t need to be married. Life can change on a dime. My life is more than the here and now. I had to be able to plan for a future. A life without anyone. It’s not what I want. My family is everything to me but I’m not to them. I made myself vulnerable to my family and they too slapped me back.  

You want to be the center of the world without the work it takes to instantly stay in joy, gratitude and faith. Relationships, all of them, take work. Being a wife, mother, friend, sister isn’t easy everyday. When I don’t see myself as good enough I shut down. I shut out the world. I bury myself in a dark pit of despair. And sometimes all I an do is say I have the strength to get out of bed today. I have to be good enough just for me. I’m still learning how to take the brick wall around my heart but I do love someone and not being loved back is very vulnerable place. I’ve had to learn to be grateful for the joy of knowing my heart isn’t shattered. There is light in the darkness. Does this person love me? I don’t know but that’s okay because I am living forward. I’m good enough just being me. 

“Happiness is attached to to external situations and events and it seems to ebb and flow as those circumstances come and go. Joy seems to be constantly tethered to our hearts by spirit and gratitude.” – Brene Brown

“People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed only of there is light from within.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. 

I see the difference in my own heart. There is still light shining in there. Light from the love Scott taught me how to feel. Light from the vulnerability of loving my daughter even when she pisses me off. Loving someone who can’t love me back. My heart is there, I’m vulnerable. I am more than the holes and roles people assign me to. I love without conditions even when you don’t love me back. I am good enough. I’m ready to soar even when I have to feel again and risk being hurt yet again.