Frozen in Time

I haven't blogged for a while because there is something on my mind that I haven't been able to figure out to say. I tried to talk to someone I think is a friend but that went no where. I hate the world right now. I hate my life and I can't deal with anything. I see the negative in so much and I'm scared because that isn't me.

I want to hide from the world. I feel alone even when surrounded by people who love me. I feel like there is nothing I do that is right. Do you know to have been loved so deeply and protected is missing. It can never be replaced. I still lay here at night with Scott's shirt on the pillows laying on his side if the bed. I snuggle as closely as I can get but there are strong arms full of love wrapped around me and all the rest that goes with it. There will never be again. He is not something to be gotten over. He is not something to just walk away from.

I wish I could drown my sorrows. The pills, alcohol, even a pond but I can't. If I could I would have already done it. I have Hannah but she just wants me to be happy so I fake it for her. I can't sleep at night because I know my dreams are far better then my life. I have stuff to be thankful for but it's just stuff. It doesn't bring back the happiness. It doesn't bring back my love. The person who held me when I cried, listened when I yelled, took care of me when I was sick and loved me fat and all.

The next round of anniversaries is approaching. I did it last year with great strength and courage. This year I see the world but I feel removed. I'm standing here. I know these moments will keep happening out of the blue but I'm tired of only feeling pain in my heart. I want the joy and happiness. I can take care of myself but I'm frozen. I don't know how to keep living forward. I think until I can figure out how to verbalize the hurt, fear and needs I feel then I'm stuck right here in limbo. Even talking to the counselor doesn't help me with this problem. So back to being stuck in my own brain I go.