Kissing

I woke up today crying. How is it possible that in my sleep something triggered my grief so profoundly that I could cry for two hours before I could pull my self together enough to go to work? I've been fighting all day to stay all together. How do I get through the day and get home to where Hannah never has to know that I've been collapsing. Over the last two years she has seen enough of that. I'm trying to respect her wishes. She is very quiet with her own grief. She hates it when I talk about Scott. It is very hard for me to not talk about him at all but she just wants to live. He changed me into who I am not just in death but in life. When we were at WDW this last week I made comments about things and even Mike kept commenting that Scott wasn't the only person I have happy memories with there. Oh I know and I love making new ones but the fact that I will never have anymore great loving moments with Scott is very painful for me.

Yesterday a friend was teasing me about kissing over lunch. I'd love to be in a place where that was possible. I miss being kissed senseless where the rest of the world melts away. Maybe I went to bed thinking about that possibility and I woke up crying. I don't know the answer. It is hard to realize how fast the time is flying and that it was two years ago that I was last kissed. I want that to happen again. I want to be in the right place and right time. I want to be able to bypass the rules and enjoy life. There will never be a day that I don't miss him but to be able to share my good and bad days with the person who can make me laugh my way out of tears and kiss me senseless would be wonderful.

I came home and found something to do with Hannah so she would never know there was anything wrong. The perfect thing for her to not know I want to still sit and cry - catching up on a week's worth of DVR! I try to talk her into the new video game I bought but she is busy reading her book. So the DVR goes on hold and we are sitting outside on the back patio together enjoying a moment. Always a moment with her that will be etched in my mind the perfect place. I'm trying not to voice the sadness of something we love to do together. I can't and won't spend my life looking backwards wishing my life away. I want to have my life continue to grow. I think I am doing this. I hope you all see me doing this.

I'm not wishing my life away. I'm living in the moments that I have been given. So tonight is about the magic that is my life at the moment where my daughter knows she is the most important person to me. I have to do what it takes to keep her living forward. Now maybe tonight I can have a trigger in my sleep that will let me wake up without tears but smiles and laughter. Hmm maybe one day soon will be a real change the rules from being the place where I'm supposed to be to the place I want to be are exactly the same! I'm glad I do have some wonderful people in my life who saw the pain in my heart and kept me laughing today. I can make it if I keep going. Oh heck what's the point in giving up now. Hannah needs me too much even if she thinks she doesn't. So for now I will stick to my romance novel and read about other people kissing! Someday I will have more kissable moments!