Positive - TOMORROW!

Sometimes it is a moment that makes all the wrong in the world fade, even for a brief moment in time. The last two days have been that for me. You see I have been able to use my skills and knowledge to help make a difference in two very special people's lives. I wish everyday was this rewarding. It is also this type of day I wish I had the person in my life who appreciated the little victories and understood what it meant to use the things I learned in continuing ed and apply it effectively. 

I have the people I work with and we share the joys. However, I'm so used to the person I'm with all the time just getting me and not needing to explain what I do. I miss being able to celebrate. The flip side of the coin is when I have a day that I need to work through the struggles and the person just isn't there! I have some wonderful friends but I'm angry again. I'm angry that I have to struggle and celebrate alone. I'm angry with where I am. I'm tired of faking it. It really doesn't get me anywhere. Until you have walked this path you can say all you want but faking it doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make the person you like the most return. It doesn't make something wonderful happen.

I'm trying to keep living forward and keep saying my prayer. I live but is it really a life? I keep hanging onto what I have left that matters but it's not so easy when that is slipping away too. She doesn't need me. She has her own life, her own transportation and her own life to live forward. The only way I get to see her is kidnap her for vacation or ground her from her freedoms when she thinks she is more independent then she really is. I want magic in my life but it went away. 

I talk about loving another but that's just words. There are times when I think I'm really going to be here alone  talking to myself and the cats. Making it through each day with the fake smile, living in the small victories but wishing for the past. He can tell me all he wants that I will have something wonderful but what does that really mean? Do I have to wait for our castle in the sky? Do I have to settle for the Disney Dissing Dude? He continues to be rather persistent. At least someone thinks I'm worth the time. I finally asked why he puts up with me. He said he's not in a hurry and I'm worth waiting for. Okay sounds like a line to me. I just want someone who tells me the truth. Who loves me for who I am and doesn't care that I am a little round in the midsection. The person who is willing to leap with me and not just say all the right words. I want the person who shares in my life and doesn't need me to make all the decisions. I want my partner in crime back. 

The teacher who made the most impact on my life used to say, "Grumble, grumble, gripe, gripe, Grrr!" She passed away last year. I have to agree this is where I am today! My rollercoaster of emotions! Two years really isn't that long in the parts of my life. I'm going to try to be positive - TOMORROW!