Angry at Batman!!!

My anger has reared it's ugly head. I've gone through an entire grief cycle tonight all because of a stupid comment made by someone I care about. I really wish I could live my life without my heart. To not need anyone but that's not who I am. Why do I let myself feel again? Why can't I just be numb? 

 I've had a rough day to begin with. Getting up at 4 am to go to a meeting to be blamed for everything that is wrong with the budget in my facility. That required driving two hours to meet my boss and two others, then driving another two hours to get where we were going for a two hour meeting, followed by reversing the process to get home. That all equals a rough day with a conversation thrown into the mix that made me question so much again.  I got home and sat in the driveway crying. I haven't done that for months.

I tried to bury myself in my room but my phone had a mind of its own. Then all the rest of the emotions started. Now I am angry and I can't take it out on the right person so I'm back to Scott. He's been here all day. I can feel him. This morning in the early morning light of the bathroom I swear I saw him. Tonight I cried several times watching idol. You wouldn't believe multiple times were over commercials. Darn Batman!!! Our things keep popping up.  Now I'm angry and I found myself starting to take it out on Hannah because she is trying to cook and is just making a mess. I had to leave the room.

I'm sitting here cursing Scott for leaving our not so perfect life. If I had a wild side I can see how it would be possible to try to lose yourself in all the bad stuff. Is it so bad to think I'm worth it? Maybe I do just need to finish the upgrades to the house so when H graduates I can move. I hear she is touring Missouri State in June. I could really move home to a place where my world could just start over. I feel like I'm never given a say in my life. I don't get what I want. I'm not sure I have the patience to wait.  So H is with her Dad tomorrow evening, maybe it is time to give Tim a chance. Maybe there is a possibility that talking on the phone isn't his thing. Or maybe tonight I have to much baggage and to many open wounds to make an informed decision. Maybe I'm into exhaustion. When I'm tired or hungry I'm not the most rational person.

 I just wish my heart didn't hurt so bad because of such a jumble of things that happened today. Why don't I get to be happy the way I want t be. I'm not a person who enjoys being miserable. I generally try to keep my smile going. I just need someone to hug me and hold me and tell me I'm worth it!!!