Princess Pin-Up Girl

Once again I haven't blogged for a while. It just seems like I'm never sure what to say and then I end up in a rut with repeating myself. So I will tell you about the latest journey that no matter the outcome of the photographs it made me feel better about myself! I needed a big dose of that.

There is thing that happens when you lose your "mate." Well, at least for me it did. After Scott died I lost weight and lost weight because eating made me sick. It was stress and nerves. Somewhere in the mix of the last two years I have figured out how to eat. The sad part is I don't eat very healthy because I have developed what seems to me to be an eating disorder. I can go for long periods of time and not eat but then when I'm hungry I crave only my comfort foods. I have always been a very picky eater but it just keeps getting worse. I would live on cereal bars, water, chocolate cupcakes and Mexican food if anyone would let me. I have gained all the weight back. I still can't go to the grocery store and if I do cook I won't eat it after I've fixed it. Sounds like I need to call in my friendly dietitician friends. So in all of this I'm fighting my body image. I miss being told I'm cute and beautiful. I just don't feel it anymore. I know my self worth isn't based on what other's think of me but when the person you love (besides your kids and parents) is gone so quickly the world shifts into this unknown twilight zone. I know sometimes I don't make the most sense but this is my reality.

So let me get beyond my own grief once again into my journey of trying to live forward. Several months ago there was a segment on our local news that caught my eye. I don't watch the news! I can't stand it! I think it is the root of all that is wrong with our world today (enough of my political thoughts). So I for me to stop and purposely watch the news I felt I had a message to hear. It just happened to be about a Pin-up Portrait Studio in Killeen, TX. For my friends not close it is where Ft. Hood Army Base is located. The news story was amazing. Sharing about woman who choose to look glamorous for a variety of different reasons. At that moment all I could think about was Scott. He would have loved to see me do something like that for him. I don't have that option anymore. I don't have a guy in my life who would love for me to give them a gift of myself. I made the decision to do this for myself.

I have become a different, stronger, more able person. I have had a week that I have had to take care of myself. I bought four new tires for my car (with a bit of help from Mike). I dealt with my minor car accident without panic and reinstalled my poor sad license plate all by myself - it was the only thing damaged on my car. I also came home to the frozen a/c unit. I wanted to sit in the floor and cry but I didn't. I went into action and fixed the frozen a/c all by my lonesome. I found where ants are coming into my living room and I caulked around a window at midnight last night with my beautiful manicure at risk. I am living forward. I can take care of myself. I don't require a man to take care of me. What I do need is my best friend, my love, my life partner to enjoy life with me.

The photo shoot became even more strongly communicated when she started doing Disney Princess Pin Ups. Now we all know I am BriarRose. I could feel the pull from Scott urging me to do this for me. I talked to the girls at work about going with me. They do party packages and what a better way to have fun! Everyone said no except for my friend, Lacie. So I made the appointment and got the ball rolling. Today was the day we picked several weeks ago. During this time the pictures the photographer has been doing for other gals in their Disney costumes began appearing.

I found what I wanted to wear or so I thought. The first dress didn't work for me. Being well endowed is not easy but you work with what you got. I sent the dress back and found a new one. It was perfect. Add a white apron and I looked like Aurora went back to the forest to be a princess in her Briar Rose persona! So this morning we made the journey to Killeen. We had our hair and makeup done professionally. I wore my wedding tiara for the very first time. I knew it was the right thing to do. I got to be a princess today, just the grown up version. I got to feel sexy and confident. I am wearing false eyelashes for the very first time!! I have the West Side Story song going through my head - "I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!"

I made it back to the band banquet in time for the awards. I loved the look on Hannah's face when she saw my face. She keeps telling me how cute I look. Maybe now I can find my a way to continue my self-confidence. I'm home now alone in my kitty filled world watching television on the DVR but I'm still in full make up. The tiara is off but I know I can't and won't be this way forever. I have to keep living forward. Now it will be up to fourteen days before the photo's arrive but I will think about sharing! I'm not sure yet. Now if they would entice a few broken rules it might be worth it - someday! For now you will just have to settle for the after effects that made it to the pictures at the band banquet!!