Life is Fleeting

There are good moments and bad moments that take your breath away. I just happen to spend more time on the good moments most days. I know I vented yesterday because I had a rough day to begin with and I was at a point where I backed away from the world and I was finally a bit better. I guess you could say I put myself into time out. I had to deal with a few pea sized brains today but all in all the end of the day was certainly better then the day before. I perked myself up. I got myself to a point that I felt better and I talked about what was bothering me to the person that unintentionally upset me (I'm at fault too!!).

I know there will forever be things that pop up that remind me of Scott. I can deal with those things, junk mail, a song, a smell, a Texas country boy phrase. I really am happy again. I really do flirt with Tim on the phone and via texts he just doesn't interest me from a dating standpoint. I can never have enough friends!!! Even today Rhonda and I were talking about what would make me feel better. The good or bad thing, however you look at it, is that I'm not a party girl so it will take the right person for me to reach that point.

When I got home tonight I sat with Hannah and we talked about her day. I'm very proud of her. She got commended on all four of her TAKS tests with a perfect score on the Science exam. That also means she will not have to take her finals so she has one more day of the school year left. She is so very grown up. We talked about 9/11 and how it effected our lives on the day. I told her what I was doing and where she was. She had tears in her eyes as she described the movie they watched in history today. She told me it was so sad to watch but she felt a great sense of pride in learning all the facts she was to young to know at the time. I'm so glad she has that great big heart!

As I was sitting on her bed the doorbell rang. It was her Dad for her usual Thursday night dinner. Most of the time they go alone but sometimes I go along. I was going tonight just because I like spending time with Hannah as her Mom and Dad. She knows how much we love her and we get to give her the knowledge that we love her enough to focus on her. As I went to answer the door I grabbed yesterday's mail off the bar. We all went back into Hannah's room and as we were talking I sorted and opened the junk mail. Not a single bill - but that mammogram notice made me cringe. I flipped over an envelope that looked official for Scott, not just the usual junk I can toss, so I opened it. Zap no you can't be happy because you have to read this. It was like I had been dropped on my head and rolled over with a bulldozer. Hannah took it from me and read it. She got quiet and didn't know what to say. I handed it to Mike. He started to not return it but I took it back from him and snapped the picture. I'm not sure why. I guess because it was so strange.

I'm glad I did because posting it on FB gave me an outlet. I know from living through all of this, without dealing with my baggage it just keeps growing and weighing me down. The end result was a dear friend knowing how to fix it without me calling, screaming, yelling or needing to hide in my bed. I thank her very much for being the right person to see it. I also thank my other friends for feeling for me. I was numb. I didn't know what emotion I was supposed to have. Now the Sirrus envelope addressed to Scott telling him they could help him "be live again" was just too much because if they can do that I would pay all the rest of my checks. Although, now that I think about it, isn't the music how Scott communicates with me the most. Maybe I do need to hear that message, no matter how painful.

I am proud of myself for not being so fragile anymore. I do know one major way I have changed. My friend that upset me yesterday (yes I'm at fault too) we talked. I'm better but I am afraid to be mad at people I care about now. I'm afraid to lose anyone else because I allow my mad feelings to take me away to thinking I will have someone else leave me. I don't know how I feel about being so different. It makes me almost afraid to speak my mind because of how upset I got with Scott and then he died. I always have to go back to his final words to me, "It's okay! I love you!" So I have to know it is okay to not see eye to eye with someone I care about. It is good for me to say we can still be hurt or upset by others but "It's okay! I love you!" should be said to everyone we care about. The thing Scott always new and understood was I'm like the weather in TX, give me a minute and I'll be all bright and sunny again.

Life is fleeting. There is no reason to walk around grumpy or angry. I will fix what I can in my life and keep living forward. Now if there is a way to have Scott take the job he was sent a flyer about in yesterday's mail, make up to 90,000 a year,  bring it on. He isn't so expensive these days - the bill for toilet paper alone now pays the water bill!