"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning."
Louis L'Amour
This week has been an emotional mess for me. I've been reading this amazing book entitled 'Transcending Loss.' It talks about the process of moving on from immediate grief into living a life that is forever changed by the loss of your loved one from our realm of existence. The author explains that we never "get over" the death of someone we love but we learn to assimilate into our new lives loving in a new way. This process starts at the two year mark and continues on indefinitely. If you are in a healthy grieving process you are able to step forward into your life and be functional. I'm not saying you won't have moments to step back into a grief cycle but life is different then it was before or how you thought it would be.
The above quote gives me hope because it makes a connection for me to the book I'm trying to read. Just when others think I'm getting over it or not getting over it, I'm just learning it is the beginning of living my life loving Scott in a new way. I will never stop loving him but our physical life together and his death made me the person I am today. I'm happy with who I am. I may not be the skinny girl I was at 23 but I'm happy with myself. I may miss the physical existence of Scott but that doesn't mean I'm miserable. I do miss being hugged and touched but well after two and a half years I think I might have forgotten how to ride that bicycle. I do know I haven't forgotten how to love.
When I got home this evening I sat in the driveway in what turned out to be a 'grief hit you in the face' moment. It has been a tough week with work stress, ear infection and MS ups/downs. I sat there sobbing when it dawned on me why! Tomorrow is the draft in Texas Gridiron Scott K commemorative league. It matters to me and it matters to the guys. We do this because we all love him and miss him. His death, however, didn't mean the end of our living. Each year we celebrate our friendships in our new teams - a new beginning. Maybe this year I will win.
So as I sat in the drive I texted my sister friend who just so happens to have just finished her training in hypnosis as a licensed counselor. I thank her husband and kids for letting me borrow her tonight She has wanted to gain some more practice and today seemed like the perfect chance. I am so open to the life experiences and the feelings from the other side of the bridge in my daily intuitions that I was willing to try especially if it calmed my emotions. I felt the connection. I heard the words. I heard our code words. I heard him. Stronger then normal. I feel him. Not all the time. I'm not obsessed, just more of 'hi honey, how's your day?' kind of feeling. Tonight was powerful and answered a question I didn't know I had. I could hear him say "You did it for me!," along with a few other things.
I'm not afraid of loving someone else. I have been but I know myself and I know I'm not really looking. I don't need to. A relationship doesn't make me complete, it's would just be a nice benefit to have a bad week and share your craziness with someone who loves you enough to listen but doesn't judge. I know my story of this stage in my life is just beginning. I know I will always remember April 4, 2010 with tears and sadness but that time doesn't get to win. I was told today that I have this inner glow of peace which makes me beautiful. I may not be model thin and athletic but my heart has the capacity to keep loving and living. So tonight let's all raise our glass in a toast to new beginnings, whatever they may be.
And if you can say a few prayers to drafting a winning team this year it might be helpful too!
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