Sweetie

“I love, therefore I am vulnerable.” 
― Madeleine L'Engle

Over the last few days I've been exchanging texts with my brother. If you know anything about my brother and I this is highly unusual. It's not that we don't love each other but we aren't exactly best friends. We grew up like twins but our lives are very different. Even when we were children we were completely different. We try though. Regardless of any history we are still siblings.

I started the conversation sending him the picture of us with Dad, Grandma and Great Grandma. I told him I was amazed at how much he resembled Dad. Then along the way my Mom happened to post a recent picture of my brother and I did them side by side and there is no denying the likeness. We have shared more this week then we have for a long time. 

Tomorrow is the 13 year anniversary of my Dad's journey across the bridge. I'm not the only one who still hurts. I'm not the only one who wishes for more time. I'm not the only one who still feels his love. We may be as different as night and day but we share the same grief just like twins. We just express it in different ways and continue to live very different lives. 

I just keep getting the overwhelming sensation that Dad is proud of us for not beating the pulp out of each other but sharing in the stories that formed our childhoods. I may not have been the one who was athletic and on the field at every game but I will always be Daddy's little girl. My brother reminded me of that today. He called me by my Dad's pet name for me, Sweetie. I don't let anyone else use that name and I get upset if you try but hearing it today from my brother was a gentle reminder of the love and life we shared growing up. It was a reminder that somehow my Dad has been able to tell me that he loves me. Just as I know sharing photos of Dad with my brother and letting him know how much of Dad I see him reminds him of the love Dad has for him. 

I keep living life forward but it doesn't stop the moments of what ifs. In the drop of the bucket 13 years just doesn't even make a wave. My heart is full of love and joy sharing a surprising bonding moment with my brother. Someday we will only have each other and it really helps to mend the fences of the past. My Dad has to be smiling down with joy. I love you Daddy and miss you everyday. You helped form the person I am today and I don't want to let you down!