Thoughts on a Plane

A trip to keep going. I'm not sure how it happens but I keep growing older. As I sit here on the airplane I wonder what my goals in life should be. Scott is gone, Hannah is going to college. I have thing to do to keep me busy but is it really enough?

My heart hurts with all of the loss but in the same breath my heart needs to give and receive.  I'm trying to make each day fulfilling but I'm not a person who does well being alone. I still don't understand the last three years and the events that I can't change. I know I'm not supposed to but my rational brain wants to understand why I'm not good enough to keep what other people have. 

I may not be skinny, young, beautiful and athletic but I do have a big heart that does hurt. I don't understand what is wrong with me. I have some really amazing friends but that's not enough. I miss the romance and love that was my life with Scott. I know he didn't die on purpose but I'm still mad at him. 

I still read trying to be rational and comprehend what my life is now but that isn't my life's plan I guess. I don't have it in me to impress others. What's the point anyway. I am who I am. All the good and bad in my life has brought me to this point 44 years later. I don't know if I will ever have it in my heart to put myself out there for a romantic relationship again. 

I still don't think in could even conceive holding hands and making plans for a future. I don't think I have it in me to be special in another's eyes. The other day I went into the jewelry store to pick up a gift. Those wonderful ladies always remind me how much Scott loved me. They keep telling me how our last pictures together shows how much life was right. 

I want to be where I'm happy again but I don't think I will ever get that reward again. I just get to be the sad, fat woman with MS who can't do anything for myself. I don't know why I having such thoughts on inadequacy but I am. I guess it's because I'm sitting next to this annoyingly happy couple on the plane. I just keep thinking I will never get to grow old with someone. I have to protect myself now and it's not very much fun. 

No one to text me all day long. No one to ask me a thousand crazy questions. No one to call Susan to tell her to make sure I don't overdo on our adventures. I've gotten really good at covering up the sadness but my heart hurts. The only got texts from five people for my birthday.  Granted I got to hug some people in person and a lot on Facebook but not a single phone call from even my Mom. I held on to my phone like a lifeline. I hate 'special' occasions these days. It's like I have to brace myself to hang on because its all never going to be right again. 

Stupid cute, skinny, happy couples who get to snuggle and make plans for the future. I'm sorry I'm such a downer but this is where my brain is after that flight. Now to return to the one person I love the most for a few hours before she heads to drum major camp for the week! I know I'm not the only one who is alone with these feelings but I hate feeling jealous of other people's happiness. Why don't I get to be happy that way? I feel cheated!