My Place in the Sun

It's one thirty in the morning and somehow this seems like a place to be. I can't believe in a little over a week five years will have passed. Today I made a huge leap to contact a real estate agent to schedule an appointment to put the house on the market. There are plenty of things to do before that happens but it just seems like it's time to take another step into the world of living forward.

I'm lost in my life but I have this amazing life I should care more about. I struggle each day to come to grips with the fact that is really is okay to always love Scott and the possibility of loving another. Scott has his box in my heart and that will never change but when you have feelings that you can't express for someone else - that just knocks me to my knees. I can only tell you how many prayers I've said. Then I look in the mirror and I don't even see the person Scott loved.

One of my patients the other day remarked how she felt stupid and unable to get herself back after her brain injury. I looked at her and said, "that is like me telling you I'm unlovable because I'm fat." She laughed and told me I'm the most beautiful person she knows and my heart is filled with love, kindness and compassion and anyone who doesn't see that doesn't deserve me. I told her it works that way for her too. She is smart, funny and has more artistic talent in her little finger than I could ever imagine. What would I do without my wonderful patients? They keep me going each day.

I was just playing with the computer and my google account when I found lists on my google drive that Scott and I had shared. Guests lists, to do lists, trip planning, honeymoon planning and tears filled my eyes. How is it possible to have so much love for someone who had his faults but is now only an Angel in my life? I can hear him telling me I'm on the right path. I can hear him telling me it's okay to have feelings, that he would expect nothing less and will never let anyone less than what I need be in my life. Those gut instincts must always be trusted. I still remember when decisions were made and conversations were had about where Scott and I needed to be for happiness. One day I looked at him and said, "do you want to live the rest of your life without me or do we take what moments God has given us and live life to the fullest?"

We all know how that worked out we just didn't happen to get very many moments but darn it if we didn't make the best of those moments. I wish the person I see in the mirror could say that again. I'm not as fragile as I was five years ago but life has given me panic about being brave enough to say things like that again. So here I am at 1:45am on a Monday night talking to a cat with my brain going 1000 miles an hour. I just keep hearing my own negative Nellie saying your not good enough to be anymore than what you currently have. I keep reminding myself I've walked so many steps forward, why can't I have more? Why can't someone see me for who I am on the inside not the sad, fat girl with a stupid disease on the outside?

So maybe this wasn't the best idea for me tonight but it allowed me to get the crap out of my head and walk forward again tomorrow. I've forgotten how much easier it is for me to write down where I am when I'm stuck in my own thoughts. How the words just flow from my fingers without a thought. Just like I do everyday with my patients, I focus on their needs without a second thought. I am where I'm supposed to be but Moose isn't always the best listener.

Working on finding my place in the sun....