Water Falls

What a day in my little world. Lots of tragedy in Central TX today. Lots of people effected and lives gone. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how short our lives really are. We can decide but most people don't and sometimes if you try things go wrong. I try to make a difference in little ways for people one by one. I'm not sure if there is anything else I can do. Life is over to fast. Take all the moments and enjoy each one.

I had a long discussion with a teacher of one of my austistic patients. He has aged out of the system but still needs help. His teacher is an older Chinese woman. We talked about life, dreams and our purposes. She explained that in China water is significant for change. Amazing to me as that is truly how my life changed, water.

Is there more water in my future? The ebbs and tides of life day it will be as always fluid. I know lives were changed today irrevocably. I would never wish the pain and heartache on another person losing a love in a way you wonder what they felt or even knew. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder about Scott's last moments. Did he know? Was I given the gift of  "it's okay! I love you!" as last words.

I spend so much time by myself during the day I could compose the greatest novel if I could type and drive. Somehow my minds only goes back to one thought, love! As if it always seems to be the answer. My greatest love will always be my greatest blessing from God. There will never be anyone more important to be than my baby girl. One day my time will be over and I know the greatest gift I can give her is love.

My mind has been running faster today than I can drive my car. If I could lose calories thinking I'd be so skinny I'd eat all day long. I realized today somewhere in the last five years I'm okay. I'm really okay. I'm living each day and making a difference in lives each day. I have a new patient with ALS. They offered him Hospice but he chose to stay with me because I am making a difference in his life. At least someone needs me. I know that seems like a crazy thought but given what I do but there are still days I do feel unwanted. Crazy I know that in this amazing life I don't get to be kissed again. I want to have that part of my life back. I have to stop rushing myself when there isn't anyone who is even remotely close to that. The thing that sucks the most is knowing I can't go back. I just get to keep living forward into whatever that means. For a person who hates surprises this is the hardest life ever. Be patient and don't push. Get negative Nelly out of your head. There must be someone else who will love me like that again...