Control

Changes in my life happen most of the time when I don't want them to! This is something I can control. I can work and pay my bills. I can choose the clothes I wear each day. I can decide what to eat. I can control how I pack up a life that will never be. I can control how I live forward in the pieces that matter to me. I can't change the event that caused the grief in my life. But I do control how I handle my reactions.

So here I go making and keeping an appointment with a realtor. It is exactly how I imagined and I need to do the things I exactly thought. Now I need to do them and sign the contracts to put the house on the market. I also need to go to the other end and do the preapproval process for a new home. But what do I want? Where do I want to be in my life? What am I looking for in a new step in life?

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop" - Confucius

Hmm! Sounds like excellent advice. Great words of wisdom. Five days equals five years and I can still tell you all of our last moments together. I can still see the joy of happiness over the mail he brought me with our last WDW trip together photos enclosed. I can still taste the great meal we had at the Japanese place after the friends we were supposed to meet couldn't be bothered to see us for dinner. I love how those moments turned into amazing couple time. Our last weekend together was made just for us. I can tell you about the last Easter egg hunt I arranged for the girls. It wasn't until this last fall did I finally throw out Scott's candy from his basket. I still have my plastic bunnies full of ferro Roche. I'm sure it's not any good but well it's on my list of slow things to get throw away. I'm further than I ever imagined.

It is time to celebrate Scott's life and his Angel day. No matter where I go or what I do this day will always belong to him. It is a day I will always need to celebrate a love that I will always have. The smells, touches and sights of him fade but my heart knows the feeling of love for him. No matter where the next steps in life take me it is because of him I know how to accept love. It is because of his love I'm willing to be loved again. I may be taking that step as slow as a turtle but if it's meant to be it will be there when the time is right.

So here I go with the next step. Lord help me I may pack myself in a box and ship myself to the looney bin for deciding to move. And there go the to do lists in my brain.... Where will I live if the house sells!!!!