I give you wings and hope you soar.

I've started this a thousand times because we all know writing was handed to me by my therapist years ago in times of stress to deescalate myself. I've been trying.

So let me start by saying the agreement made with H to pay for myself and her dad to pay for college was on the terms that she must finish before becoming engaged. This conversation began when she was in high school and started dating. This conversation had continued over various checkpoints even as she entered into a new relationship and then as she became serious of 'he's the one'. The last major episode was when she changed her major unbeknownst to us. The three of us sat down to discuss after a week of tears and you don't understands to reach a compromise. The last check point was no engagement until you graduate.

You see I have this crazy thought as a mother my job isn't to be her best friend and unconditional love includes making sure she can care for herself without a man. I've lost so much of my heart when I lost Scott but H was always number one. She and I had many discussions about taking time to grow into yourself before you take on the responsibility of a daily full time relationship. It sounds all wonderful but what happens if you are suddenly thrust into a life alone? I don't doubt her ability to finish college but I do doubt her ability to survive the pain if she's never been truly alone.  But in all things she is now 21.

Her dad texted me recently and said her boyfriend wanted to talk to him. We both knew what that meant as I'd been reminding H of her commitment to us. I could see the changes and I was prepared. Or so I thought. She's still not had to live on her own. She's had a part time job, her dad paid her rent/health insurance/sorority while I paid her tuition/car insurance/just about everything else. She was supposed to use her part time job to fund her sorority but she conned her Dad into doing that. I'm never sure what she tells him but when he gets around to even thinking about telling me stuff I know she's lied to him.

During our conversation I asked he made sure her boyfriend, B know of her commitment to us to finish college before becoming engaged and the ramifications. H 'convinced' me she wouldn't even start planning the wedding until she graduated. She had just recently transferred to nursing school two hours from B and is living rent free in his parents garage apartment. That was all fine except it increased the financial burden on myself and her father. Sure rent free is great but she no longer has a part time job so we were funding her lifestyle and the doubling of her tuition. I'd asked repeatedly that she look at a part time job. Most places work well with college students and she had enough free time to play.

She had also had an accident and her car insurance increased by $50 month, she broke her cell phone and I paid for the new one. She broke her laptop or it broke and her dad gave her repair money but then I get the frantic phone call that it was too expensive. I ended up being cheaper to order a new one. Which she and I did together over the phone. Because of the distance she was able to go to her local Apple Store and pick it up. What you all don't know about her behavior patterns is her history of manipulation and giving me the evil Mom status to her dad who then has to back track to find the middle of this. He's a great guy but he sucks at conflict.

When Scott was alive he was magic. He was able to get her and I to meet in the middle. I know I'm not blameless in all of this but I hate people treating me like I'm stupid. I see everything and she knows the rules. She calls her dad frequently after Scott died saying I was mean and she was afraid of me. I can be pushed, I'm human and I yell. I generally calm down let me stew and try to understand the other side. I spend my days analyzing others behaviors trying to help them succeed at life. Sometimes I suck at it for myself but don't we all. The 'I'm afraid of her behavior' generally happens when she has broken a rule and wants to avoid punishment. I'm such a horrible mother as to take away her phone. Now I'm horrible because I refuse to be the bank of Mom.

I actually am very happy for them both. I want them to have a life together. I want them to know live but I also know real life and want them to be prepared. Somewhere they have become convinced it all must happen now. She knew my stance and that I was prepared to stick to my financial arrangement with her. Do I think I'm right? Not always. Do I want control? No!! I want to know I've done my job as her Mom to raise her to take care of herself, love her and for her to know even if she's screws up or I think she's wrong I still love her. 

My bank account does not equal unconditional love. No matter what she thinks, her dad thinks, B thinks or even his parents think supporting my daughter doesn't always mean throwing money at her. Being a good parent equals the hard life lessons. His parents offered me money and told me to give up my Disney trips to make whatever she wants happen. Um first of all I don't even ask my own mother for money, allowed her Dad to not pay full child support and survive on my own as I was taught. You don't know me! Secondly my Disney budget is a separate line item in my accounting. It is my only joy and after everything I've lived through I get to have that. 

I'm trying very hard not to keep score but I've made sacrifices for her that she will never understand. I can't even begin to list then because their is no point and it is what a mother does. She is my heart. She is spreading her wings. I've made the hard choice to step back from her life. Luckily for her she has learned how to manipulate others to get her way. I'm not sure where that behavior began but as her Mom, I'm saddened. I don't want to control her. I want to give her wings. My view of the world comes from being forced to survive on my own. My own mother pushed me and right or wrong I flew. Did she do the same for my younger brother? Nope. His rules were always different. She didn't want me to be like her. I graduated with my Master's at 23. I know how to support myself. 

Her Dad and I were better off as friends. I still love him but I don't regret leaving. I knew it would just get worse. I do, however, regret I couldn't love him together. I do still love him. He gave me my greatest joy in H.  I want her to have wings. If this were about money I would be on the phone with the lawyer getting my car and cell phone back. Do I want to? Sometimes yes because I'm hurt. I feel betrayed. She has chosen to cut me off without talking when I asked for her to talk to me as an adult. Is going to his parents okay place for me to be to talk to them all? Not for my sanity. My health is suffering and bluntly what I can and can't pay for is none of their business. 

I'm going to always be here for her. I'm taking care of her dying cat because I love her. Me loving her isn't based on how I'm treated. Am I hurt by her yes just as I'm sure she is hurt by my decision to honor our agreement but I still love her. She has a life to live. I don't want to stop her but nor do I have to supply the funds. I was willing to find a middle but that wasn't good for her. I can only pray I've given her enough love and values to know she always has my heart. 

My own devices...

My doctor used to say to me "you are not crazy if you can say you are crazy and describe everything that is happening to you."  Do I think she was right? For the most part yes. Yesterday I saw true crazy from a patient's daughter. That is not me. Is it how I feel? YES!! Do I think I set myself up for this? YES!!! Should I walk away from the what I set myself up for? YES!! Have I? Nope!! A big fat NO!!!

I have my reasons but I'm the only one who can decide if they are good enough. Do we ever do things to people to hurt them to get them to leave us? Yup all the time. I've done it personally and it makes me feel worse. When you care about someone, friend, family, loved one, they seem to be the ones we take for granted. Push away when they may need us as much as we need them. Why do we work so hard at not being vulnerable? What is it about human nature that we are horrible to each other?

Am I just a little miss sunshine that can't see the bad in someone? We all have good in us, shouldn't we want to help everyone keep the good shining through? I know I want to be good enough but sometimes the little effort it takes to send a card, a joke, give a hug, hold a hand, have a dinner or a quick call out of the blue is to much for some. I just had a text exchange with my daughter. We have a social event this evening. She was kind enough to tell me if it was to hard for me I didn't gave to go, yet I, only worried about embarrassing her!! I will be fine when I arrive but I want to be good enough for her.

Yes this is the crap week for me. If left to my own devices, I dwell on the lost life I have? Do I still have a great life? YES!!! I make myself push out of my comfort zone. I do things on my own but I also know when I need help to keep going. Should I sometimes be more persistent? YES! I just don't make a very good squeaky wheel. I have a few wonderful people in my life. I would trust them with my daughter. Some were unavailable, one made time and then well it doesn't really matter anymore because I fell through the cracks. Maybe I really am supposed to deal with my own feelings of not being good enough. Yet somehow I continue to trust that people I need will take an hour to help me laugh. Then I realize that in the end it is my problem and asking for help is sometimes beyond what others can give.

I had a friend that I'm actually not very close to text me. I usually know he wants me to go to a meeting and somehow my life is upside down and sideways when this service group meets. He is aware and was kind enough to text say I know this is a tough week and I'm here if you need me. But my own self doubt didn't ask. I'm have no answers that get me a vision of the future but just enough to know it is fine to love someone more than they love you. Love and life really aren't a competition. I, however, would much prefer to have a life filled with love and laughter versus the paranoia, self doubt and worry I find myself slipping into this past week!!

We really do all have problems and helping someone else may lead you to the answers for yours!! Go remind a friend they are important to you!!

Doormat

Waves of grief happen at the strangest times. Most often as I go to bed at night.  I want a life. I live this half life where I work and have the most amazing daughter. You'd think it would be enough. However, I'm left with this feeling of living on the fringes. Never being good enough to love or be loved. I know I am loved but I don't feel whole.

I want. Oh hell I don't know what I want. To be honest last night I dreamed I was able to trade places with a sweet friend who is fighting cancer. She has wonderful children and a loving husband who deserve to have her around longer. I dreamed I got to take her cancer from her. I got my want, to be my spirit self with my love. Nobody wants this broken me. My patients need me. They love me. My daughter needs me. I know because I'm the first person she called in a crisis recently. Is it fair to her that I'm broken? I think frequently why am I still here? What do I need to be doing that I'm not?

I spend all day in the quiet of my car counting white Tundras and praying. If you appear in my thoughts I pray for you. I should be spewing light and love at this point but I just feel not good enough. Am I making any sense? Who knows? Not me! I sat down a few minutes ago and burst into tears. I started praying. All I could hear was "write the blog. Get it out. You aren't alone and you're only able to make sense when the words flow from your fingers. Share your heart, my heart!"

So here I am. My pain filled soul knowing I'm not good enough. I'm broken. I'm overly curvy. I'm too nice and a bit crazy. I want whatever I'm supposed to have but is this all? When you have a connection with someone but you aren't good enough to pursue. When you are just a person that is not enough to risk your heart for. That's me, the wall just gets higher as I fight to find joy. You can only make so many cards, paint so many canvases, cut paper, home projects before it all just becomes mindless activities to waste time doing.

You know when you pray to be surrounded by light and love, guide me, protect me, show me the way and you see the way but someone decides to make a right while your still driving straight. Seven years ago my GPS got off course and I'm lost. I'm ready to wonder off into the desert as the old tribal leaders would do when they knew they were of no use. I wonder if I just backed away from life who would notice! Would you notice if I didn't post for a week? Would you notice if I didn't pull out of my garage? Would anyone notice if I stopped eating?

Just like my patients where I'm sometimes the only one who notices them, would anyone notice me missing? They would because I'm reliable, dependable and always on time. Is that a deficit? I'm here. I haven't gone anywhere but if you don't want me just tell me. Don't leave me here like a doormat only when you need something from me. I'm broken and can't mend on my own. I need to know I'm good enough to be more than your old car you trade in for a younger model. I spend my days helping others become whole, how do I get there too?

Spread Love

Did you know people like to blame and find reasons for their bad behaviors. I'm no different. I'm afflicted just as we all are but I try not to be. Is it an excuse that I have MS or PTSD? No but they are my hurdles. I cope with the challenges and try to overcome. Do people have excuses for being rude and self centered. Sure they do and most often they choose to blame others versus looking into themselves. I know none of us are perfect but those we hurt tend to be those we are closest too. Somehow the bad excuses are forgiven.

I'm struggling with staying in society. I often wonder how someone can choose to know what they are going to do will hurt someone and hide the fact they are doing it. I could point fingers but then I become part of the situation that is the problem. I spend my days thinking of others. I'm always doing and giving. Jealously can be hidden in manipulation. And when someone is called out for being rude you are the horrible insecure person.

I'm trying. I'm really trying. It amazes me how often people I don't even think about try to wiggle into a situation they should just observe. Then I lose my cool when that's what they want in the first place.   If you want my life you can have it. I focus my energy on the things that make me live in the moment but I don't want to be here. A friend died of cancer, a patient had a family member that was murdered recently. I'd change places with them in an instant. I live. I'm not miserable. I have joy. But something is missing. And it gets worse when someone takes the moments I find pleasure in for themselves.

How do you tactfully tell someone to go jump in a lake? You can't so then I become the doormat. It just becomes easier to become nothing. Block people from your life. Become a recluse. I read an article tonight about a woman who became so reclusive her home was falling down around her. The neighbors came in and they all became friends by helping her. I'm by no means a social butterfly. Large groups overwhelm me. People keep trying to get me to their church. I understand why. They care. I have God in my life. I welcome my spiritual side but panic attacks make me struggle with the peace others derive from church groups. My ministry is found in my patients. God's message comes to me through them.

I sat in my car in my garage at 3 am recently. Just sat there sobbing. It's a good thing my job requires me to be in my car frequently because since Scott died it's a comfort zone. I spend so much time considering others feelings before I act some times that I neglect my own needs. I forget others aren't of the same frame of mind or would just rather act then deal later with the consequences. Sucks to be the consequence. Ok back to the car. I thought about turning it on. Then I could truly give everyone the gift of never considering me in their plans again. You know what stopped me? Moose!! He was pawing and crying at the garage door.

I worked the next day. My first patient and his wife find joy in my ministry. A patient, who a week ago could barely count was now speaking in full sentences. My next patient wants to return to her job as a counselor. She keeps inviting me to dinner with her family. My next patient lives alone and also wants to return to her job as a counselor. We laugh and joke and giggle like little girls. My next patient only laughs and smiles with me. She tells me she can't do this without me. My next patient lies in bed at night thinking of stories to tell me of her life and has finally been able to recall her address. My last patient is slowly dying of CHF. His wife need the visit more than he does.

People who should matter in my life choose to make me the bad guy. I get to make someone else's life matter with my patients. A friend recently liked two posts in a row of mine on FB. I texted and asked if the friend had been hit in the head because they stopped liking posts of mine years ago even though we used to talk/text daily. A life change for the friend has made contact less frequent of their part. It is what happens. The response I got was "just wanted you to know I was thinking about you." I was joking but in all jokes are pieces of truth. Life changes it evolves. The people we want to make a priority changes. I get it. I'm not sad. I'm not lonely. I just think I exist but not always sure of the purpose. But my story about my friend is they made an effort to remind me I matter. Life changes but I'm thought of. Those moments show someone you care.

You all can truly get along without me. My child is grown, my parents are busy, my friends have lives, my neighbors are busy. Moose needs me. That water dish doesn't fill itself. I know I'm replaceable. Those are the thoughts of loss and despair. I have them. I fight them. Sometimes one moment at a time. The next time you decide to tell someone their feelings don't matter that life isn't about them, Remember we all need to be loved. We all need to feel special in something that we need, an event we create, a birthday to celebrate, a gift we give, a request for assistance. When someone does something from their heart for you means they need you. Don't step on them and tell them they are unjustified and insecure. If you didn't worry about that you wouldn't hide behind your actions. Spread love not sadness and hate. Ask how someone feels don't just assume. We all matter and if I chose to include you, you mattered.

Listening to understand.

This week has been overwhelming emotionally, spiritually, publicly, nationally, privately, personally and sometimes meanest, cruelest ways possible. Not just for me but I'm sure for others. There are people now grieving who shouldn't have to be there if we would just listen to each other. I can't speak for others, only from my eyes, heart and hurt. If you recognize yourself in anything I write then maybe we all need a lesson.

I make no secret of my personal demons because maybe someone will learn how to help someone else along the way. I think I see our entire nation suffering from PTSD and not enough resources to help those in need. I'm not a gun advocate or opponent. I think our forefathers spelled that out pretty clearly if you want them you can. I don't want them so I don't have one. Our troubles go beyond guns and violence. I have had a conversations recently with others who were put out I choose to voice my thoughts and feelings on my own life experiences rather happy, sad, whatever state I may be in through a manner of my own choosing.

We all have feelings and we all choose to express them in manners that may or may not be acceptable. I'm sure we all agree shooting at people you don't know isn't an acceptable form of expression. But if someone is hurting letting them talk may make you uncomfortable. I think we all just want to be heard. I hear my friends saying they are oppressed and treated unfairly. But know that it wasn't me. I just don't know how to make it right except acknowledging your feelings and listening. We as a individuals need to have the hard discussions about living forward and loving each other. My life experiences make me different than you but that doesn't mean my life has been easier or harder. I work everyday to get out of bed. I'm the only one who can make that choice.

We all need to listen with love and understanding. If someone tells me their feelings are hurt I don't get to decide they aren't. I can choose to listen to their pain and need to be a better friend for them. If someone tells me that someone else hurt them I can't change their pain but I could make them hurt worse by not listening to their pain and deciding I knew what they needed more than they did. That is our problem. We don't listen and respect one another. Our pot stirrers don't want us to listen to each other they only want us to be in distress. They want to swoop in and fix at just the right time to make themselves look better.

I'm losing my train of thought in the emotions of the week. Life may not be all holding hands and singing camp fire songs but we have to reach out and hold hands. We have to find a common point of life. It may be through loss, birth, tragedy, joy, pain or love but it's there. We all have a common bond in life and that is the ability to feel. If you can calmly tell someone that they don't have the right to feel then you are part of the problem. That shooter may have had feelings but his expression wasn't acceptable. A dear friend of mine taking her own life wasn't acceptable. We need to be okay with expression with words. We need to listen for understanding not response. I don't need someone to fix me I need someone to hear me say I'm hurting. I'm the only one who can keep myself going but being acknowledged and not fixed to be molded in what another wants me to be. I am my life experiences and I just want to be told I'm enough and I matter. I'm not broken just a little bent.

We all want to be enough for someone. We all want to be loved for who we are. The only person that can change me is me. My emotions matter, your emotions matter. We all matter. We all love. And it really is okay if my feelings get hurt, I can express that, make you uncomfortable, and we grow from the experience. Life is full of challenges don't let someone steal your joy. Start with yourself and listen to understand not to comment. You may learn something about your own heart along the way.

Six Years and Counting

I've tried over the years to know how to keep my emotions inside but I've learned I can't do it. I end up needing to be checked into the psych unit. I don't get why people think I have to live by their rules so I just don't bother anymore. I know my limits and refuse to be a pawn in someone else's games. I rarely ask for something from others unless it's important to me. I'm really good at hearing what others want and helping them achieve. That doesn't work in the reverse. I end up disappointed and crying for days when I feel stepped on. I get over it. Life moves forward and I retreat into my best space alone.

I have a few people who take the time to hear me say what I can't put into words. Those people have really been the lifeline for me over the past six years. Scott, however, was the only one who was there without me needing to speak a word of what I wanted. He could look and just know. I never had to ask twice and sometimes I never had to ask at all. My other half. He made me a better person and now I fail miserably except with my patients. If I ask for something it's not to hear myself speak. I ask because I can't do it alone.

I'm not a selfish, self centered person. When I'm doing something I rarely do for myself. Even working on scrapbooks or craft projects my thoughts are always for H after I'm gone or the person who is to receive. Driving my Mom to a family reunion because she didn't really need to go alone, cooking for myself and making exrtra for my freezer friend. I get out of bed everyday for my patients and my daughter. I have no other reason to live.

I really wish I could do away with the calendar. Wipe it clean and not remember dates. Except my brain has a computer that knows days and love association. June and into July are big ones. I function, barely. One of my patients told me I deserve to be in a funk one day when she said I looked off. She made me tell her it was Scott's birthday. No matter how hard I try those happy times should still be happening but I'm left with the tears and dates on the calendar. Should of, would of, could of are always part of my forever vocabulary. I can see myself walking down the aisle of The Castle to the music from Impressions de France to a man who never once had anything but love in his eyes for me wearing the attire we lovingly picked out together that I chose to bury him in.

Next week is my birthday and due to some unfortunate events and happiness for others I will work and go home to my kitties. My birthday has only ever been a priority to Scott. It happens when a major holiday and summer are involved. He knew the depth it bothered me to be pushed to another date. He just knew my heart. I will never replace that. I will never try. I will get out of bed for my patients and my daughter. I will continue to do for others because that is where my heart goes and someday I will get to walk down the aisle to the man who will forever have my heart in the castle of his design. Happy Anniversay six years and counting My Love.

Life Moves on but then it doesnt...

Tonight I was fortunate enough to have dinner with a very nice lady who has become a friend in a few short months. I was reminded of how far my life has moved on but yet it still feels like yesterday. I'm living alone with my house of cats in a new place and my wonderful job. I have neighbors I adore and invite me to dinner. They love me for me. My cat waits for me at the back door when he hears the garage, comes when he is called, digs my makeup out of my bag and loves me without question unless I forget to do his bidding. I have a daughter who calls me from college just to chat when she needs me. My parents love me and build shelves for me. My insurance agent friend knows I need to be taken care of when I'm rear ended. My BFF finds a flight to leave the frigid north to come see me soon. I have a life of love and laughter. I have blessings. I am fortunate.

Tonight I was reminded that we need to share our blessings. Allow others to be an ear when we are sad, be a sounding board because we may discover an answer we didn't see. I came home tonight pulled into the garage and looked all around at the things high on the shelves of all that Scott left behind. Those things don't keep me warm, they don't hold my hand, they don't hug me when I need to be comforted. I looked around knowing I was walking into an empty house that I didn't have too. I could be done with life surrounded by things of a memory. But then I always remember that may only fix my problem but creates more for others.

I don't need to be fixed, I don't want someone to fix me. I just keep one foot in front of the other to help someone else. I tell my patients everyday, they aren't a project for me. I'm just hear to listen and guide them to fix themselves. I'm bossy but you get to do all the work. There is not a person in my world who needs to be fixed. We are all chipped and cracked but we are all miracles. I've never been perfect but I keep going. My life changed but it really hasn't. I'm still me. I'm still here just a new me.

There are many days when I think I don't matter but then the random Friday night call from my beautiful girl talking and sharing and needing to have her Mom, the friend who is going through a hard time but needs space before accepting a shoulder, the patient who had a stroke at 27 and can finally stick her tongue past her lip because she has been frozen in her body, the patient who graduates from therapy today eating, drinking and no trach, the stick I received my sweet neighbor boy because he loves me as I talk to his Mom about medical things she is having or the text from my Mom sharing the floor tile she can still do at 70+. I matter to people and I make a rosy spot in their lives. It would matter to them if I weren't here. Just like it matters to me that Scott is gone, BetsyAnn left us, and others before them. My heart is fuller because they loved me but sad because they left with so much still to do.

Now how do I convince someone that it is OK to take a hug on a bad day? The greatest gift we can give one another is kindness and compassion. I can't fix anyone and some days not even myself but I can love. In the end that is really all I have of any value. Now off to contemplate where I'm supposed to be or do next because the message I'm receiving in my heart says it all just not how to get there.