Six Years and Counting

I've tried over the years to know how to keep my emotions inside but I've learned I can't do it. I end up needing to be checked into the psych unit. I don't get why people think I have to live by their rules so I just don't bother anymore. I know my limits and refuse to be a pawn in someone else's games. I rarely ask for something from others unless it's important to me. I'm really good at hearing what others want and helping them achieve. That doesn't work in the reverse. I end up disappointed and crying for days when I feel stepped on. I get over it. Life moves forward and I retreat into my best space alone.

I have a few people who take the time to hear me say what I can't put into words. Those people have really been the lifeline for me over the past six years. Scott, however, was the only one who was there without me needing to speak a word of what I wanted. He could look and just know. I never had to ask twice and sometimes I never had to ask at all. My other half. He made me a better person and now I fail miserably except with my patients. If I ask for something it's not to hear myself speak. I ask because I can't do it alone.

I'm not a selfish, self centered person. When I'm doing something I rarely do for myself. Even working on scrapbooks or craft projects my thoughts are always for H after I'm gone or the person who is to receive. Driving my Mom to a family reunion because she didn't really need to go alone, cooking for myself and making exrtra for my freezer friend. I get out of bed everyday for my patients and my daughter. I have no other reason to live.

I really wish I could do away with the calendar. Wipe it clean and not remember dates. Except my brain has a computer that knows days and love association. June and into July are big ones. I function, barely. One of my patients told me I deserve to be in a funk one day when she said I looked off. She made me tell her it was Scott's birthday. No matter how hard I try those happy times should still be happening but I'm left with the tears and dates on the calendar. Should of, would of, could of are always part of my forever vocabulary. I can see myself walking down the aisle of The Castle to the music from Impressions de France to a man who never once had anything but love in his eyes for me wearing the attire we lovingly picked out together that I chose to bury him in.

Next week is my birthday and due to some unfortunate events and happiness for others I will work and go home to my kitties. My birthday has only ever been a priority to Scott. It happens when a major holiday and summer are involved. He knew the depth it bothered me to be pushed to another date. He just knew my heart. I will never replace that. I will never try. I will get out of bed for my patients and my daughter. I will continue to do for others because that is where my heart goes and someday I will get to walk down the aisle to the man who will forever have my heart in the castle of his design. Happy Anniversay six years and counting My Love.

Life Moves on but then it doesnt...

Tonight I was fortunate enough to have dinner with a very nice lady who has become a friend in a few short months. I was reminded of how far my life has moved on but yet it still feels like yesterday. I'm living alone with my house of cats in a new place and my wonderful job. I have neighbors I adore and invite me to dinner. They love me for me. My cat waits for me at the back door when he hears the garage, comes when he is called, digs my makeup out of my bag and loves me without question unless I forget to do his bidding. I have a daughter who calls me from college just to chat when she needs me. My parents love me and build shelves for me. My insurance agent friend knows I need to be taken care of when I'm rear ended. My BFF finds a flight to leave the frigid north to come see me soon. I have a life of love and laughter. I have blessings. I am fortunate.

Tonight I was reminded that we need to share our blessings. Allow others to be an ear when we are sad, be a sounding board because we may discover an answer we didn't see. I came home tonight pulled into the garage and looked all around at the things high on the shelves of all that Scott left behind. Those things don't keep me warm, they don't hold my hand, they don't hug me when I need to be comforted. I looked around knowing I was walking into an empty house that I didn't have too. I could be done with life surrounded by things of a memory. But then I always remember that may only fix my problem but creates more for others.

I don't need to be fixed, I don't want someone to fix me. I just keep one foot in front of the other to help someone else. I tell my patients everyday, they aren't a project for me. I'm just hear to listen and guide them to fix themselves. I'm bossy but you get to do all the work. There is not a person in my world who needs to be fixed. We are all chipped and cracked but we are all miracles. I've never been perfect but I keep going. My life changed but it really hasn't. I'm still me. I'm still here just a new me.

There are many days when I think I don't matter but then the random Friday night call from my beautiful girl talking and sharing and needing to have her Mom, the friend who is going through a hard time but needs space before accepting a shoulder, the patient who had a stroke at 27 and can finally stick her tongue past her lip because she has been frozen in her body, the patient who graduates from therapy today eating, drinking and no trach, the stick I received my sweet neighbor boy because he loves me as I talk to his Mom about medical things she is having or the text from my Mom sharing the floor tile she can still do at 70+. I matter to people and I make a rosy spot in their lives. It would matter to them if I weren't here. Just like it matters to me that Scott is gone, BetsyAnn left us, and others before them. My heart is fuller because they loved me but sad because they left with so much still to do.

Now how do I convince someone that it is OK to take a hug on a bad day? The greatest gift we can give one another is kindness and compassion. I can't fix anyone and some days not even myself but I can love. In the end that is really all I have of any value. Now off to contemplate where I'm supposed to be or do next because the message I'm receiving in my heart says it all just not how to get there.

I Need You

I can't decide what is worse, being left to spend the rest of your life loving someone who is gone or the loneliness of knowing what true happiness means and not being able to communicate to someone they have reserved seating in your heart. 

I guess in the end it really is just one thing - loneliness. Crying myself to sleep seems to be the norm but there are times when I go to sleep with a smile on my face that covers a brilliant day. Most of the time it's just about me and my memories. 

I'm not sure how to change that. How do you let someone else in or trust that what you feel is true? How do you trust that maybe a really good friend is all that you are ever meant to have? How do you trust that there could be more to life? How do I live without? 

It's one of those motions days for me. I live but sometimes I feel invisible. Do you see me or do you just see this sad person with no joy or spark? I'm living but do I enjoy living like this? No not really. I smile, I laugh, but my heart aches for a life I will never be given a chance to have. I just want someone to look at me beyond the grief monster, to see my heart and help me feel again. To take my hand and love me. To see me across the room and smile with joy because you were waiting for me to appear. To accept that love is more than a physical experience but a mental connection that takes all the pain and loneliness and transforms into just knowing that all is right side up in the world. 

To know that someone is there for it all good and bad. Not knowing that anymore is the loneliest feeling ever. Not having a hand reach out to hold yours for no reason at all or all the reasons makes life seem a little less full. 

Celebration of Life 2015

It's time to make a large step. As if selling the house and looking for properties wasn't enough I'm taking this Celebration of Life trip alone. Well kind of alone. You all get to join me through the magic of FB. 

This all started about three weeks ago. I was supposed to go to St Louis again this year to see and support my Aunt as my Uncle passed away in February. Some things changed and I was left with a sense of loss. Easter and Scott's Angel day are once again together. Now why Easter moves every year and Christmas stays the same I don't understand. But in my world I get two weekends of grief and every so often just one! 

I'm glad Easter falls with Scott's Angel day this year but it makes my compensatory strategy difficult. Everyone I know has a family to celebrate life with this weekend. I do too but I'm not a great spirit. I do get a bit morose over this weekend and I know the only way around is distraction. Betsy was always great at helping me. She just knew what to do. I miss her so much too!  

So there I was with a plane ticket to switch. Thank goodness for Sputhwest! In three hours I'd contacted my personal travel agent booked a room at WDW, changed my flights, made fast pass reservations and a few dining reservations. I told the people closest to me and a few others like my patientss so people knew where I was going to be. 

I've counted my days down, got a surprise of a ressie at Be Our Guest for breakfast and a few days ago I was able to get a dinner reservation there also. So here we go I'm going to do something just for me and my ability to cope with the requirement of living forward. Here we are five years later and I couldn't have done this without all of you!! Please enjoy this trip with me!!

Control

Changes in my life happen most of the time when I don't want them to! This is something I can control. I can work and pay my bills. I can choose the clothes I wear each day. I can decide what to eat. I can control how I pack up a life that will never be. I can control how I live forward in the pieces that matter to me. I can't change the event that caused the grief in my life. But I do control how I handle my reactions.

So here I go making and keeping an appointment with a realtor. It is exactly how I imagined and I need to do the things I exactly thought. Now I need to do them and sign the contracts to put the house on the market. I also need to go to the other end and do the preapproval process for a new home. But what do I want? Where do I want to be in my life? What am I looking for in a new step in life?

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop" - Confucius

Hmm! Sounds like excellent advice. Great words of wisdom. Five days equals five years and I can still tell you all of our last moments together. I can still see the joy of happiness over the mail he brought me with our last WDW trip together photos enclosed. I can still taste the great meal we had at the Japanese place after the friends we were supposed to meet couldn't be bothered to see us for dinner. I love how those moments turned into amazing couple time. Our last weekend together was made just for us. I can tell you about the last Easter egg hunt I arranged for the girls. It wasn't until this last fall did I finally throw out Scott's candy from his basket. I still have my plastic bunnies full of ferro Roche. I'm sure it's not any good but well it's on my list of slow things to get throw away. I'm further than I ever imagined.

It is time to celebrate Scott's life and his Angel day. No matter where I go or what I do this day will always belong to him. It is a day I will always need to celebrate a love that I will always have. The smells, touches and sights of him fade but my heart knows the feeling of love for him. No matter where the next steps in life take me it is because of him I know how to accept love. It is because of his love I'm willing to be loved again. I may be taking that step as slow as a turtle but if it's meant to be it will be there when the time is right.

So here I go with the next step. Lord help me I may pack myself in a box and ship myself to the looney bin for deciding to move. And there go the to do lists in my brain.... Where will I live if the house sells!!!!

Shell Game

We used to have this argument about being alone and living alone. This was a very true discussion after the only thing we fought about. I finally told him very honestly that I was capable of taking care of myself and I didn't have to deal with the issue at hand. The only thing we fought about. I was not passive aggressive about it just frank. The only difference was as I told him I choose to be with him. I wasn't going anywhere. Little did I know he would show me just how right I was about being able to take care of myself. 

I'm doing it but it's not what I really want. I've been doing a bunch of reading as always. It doesn't matter what I read, a book on God, being thankful for what you have, a self help book, a mystery or just a plain ok romance novel, I find messages everywhere. The latest I read was an article in psychology today about widows and love. It was spot on. I'm going to have to find the article and share. It's not that I don't know what I want moving into my future but goodness I never want someone to think they would ever have to compete with my dead man's pefect love. That would be a big part of my non interest in dating. I do miss things but that doesn't mean I truly ever could handle someone else in my life. I laugh when I think about our 'perfect love'. That's such a joke. 

We fought. I slammed doors, yelled and screamed. He walked off and Lord knows we made up and he left me to fend for myself. I don't trust myself to keep someone around except in the friend box and side hugs category. I talk about wanting more but it's been so long I think I would pass out. 

I just miss someone caring about me enough to want more than that. I just happen to know I good with being stuck in this kind of purgatory, living in my Miss Haveshim world of Great Expectations. At least I don't sit around staring at a dehydrated wedding cake in my faded dusting wedding gown. It's all bundled in the closet just as it was the day I picked it up - never worn. 

As five years approaches in seven days I know I'm alive but am I really living. Am I good as a stuck in the mud. The term crazy old widow keeps coming to mind. Maybe that's why H is pushing so hard to get me out of this house. She knows I need to keep living forward but I think the anxiety will be the death of the rest of my shell. 

Water Falls

What a day in my little world. Lots of tragedy in Central TX today. Lots of people effected and lives gone. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how short our lives really are. We can decide but most people don't and sometimes if you try things go wrong. I try to make a difference in little ways for people one by one. I'm not sure if there is anything else I can do. Life is over to fast. Take all the moments and enjoy each one.

I had a long discussion with a teacher of one of my austistic patients. He has aged out of the system but still needs help. His teacher is an older Chinese woman. We talked about life, dreams and our purposes. She explained that in China water is significant for change. Amazing to me as that is truly how my life changed, water.

Is there more water in my future? The ebbs and tides of life day it will be as always fluid. I know lives were changed today irrevocably. I would never wish the pain and heartache on another person losing a love in a way you wonder what they felt or even knew. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder about Scott's last moments. Did he know? Was I given the gift of  "it's okay! I love you!" as last words.

I spend so much time by myself during the day I could compose the greatest novel if I could type and drive. Somehow my minds only goes back to one thought, love! As if it always seems to be the answer. My greatest love will always be my greatest blessing from God. There will never be anyone more important to be than my baby girl. One day my time will be over and I know the greatest gift I can give her is love.

My mind has been running faster today than I can drive my car. If I could lose calories thinking I'd be so skinny I'd eat all day long. I realized today somewhere in the last five years I'm okay. I'm really okay. I'm living each day and making a difference in lives each day. I have a new patient with ALS. They offered him Hospice but he chose to stay with me because I am making a difference in his life. At least someone needs me. I know that seems like a crazy thought but given what I do but there are still days I do feel unwanted. Crazy I know that in this amazing life I don't get to be kissed again. I want to have that part of my life back. I have to stop rushing myself when there isn't anyone who is even remotely close to that. The thing that sucks the most is knowing I can't go back. I just get to keep living forward into whatever that means. For a person who hates surprises this is the hardest life ever. Be patient and don't push. Get negative Nelly out of your head. There must be someone else who will love me like that again...