Kansas Sweet Memories

6-30-18
Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Nope but there are things to do in OKC first. A friend of mine from High School lives here and we are meeting for breakfast and then the OKC Memorial Museum. Yes I know I should see it at night but single woman traveling alone must practice safety.

Beckie arrive a little before 9am and we head to a place in downtown Edmond, Around the Corner restaurant. It was really good and fresh squeezed OJ!! The downtown has all these little statues and fun places to shop. I can and will come back as my friend and I have discovered we can talk in circles and still know what we are leading up to. We sat for an hour talking. I miss that in my life.

She guided me to downtown OKC next for the memorial. Luckily it was early enough it was still cool and not very crowded. We found a quick parking space and walked onto the grounds. All I can say is wow. The peace and tranquility they have created is so deserving for the 168. We then toured the museum. I can only say it is something you MUST experience for yourself. I lived in Wichita, KS when this happened and all the memories it brought back. My brain could only handle so much of it so I hope to return some day to find things I didn’t process. The children are where my heart immediately went. I was a newlywed and two weeks later I got pregnant with my daughter. It wasn’t planned but it’s seemed fate. It makes me want to understand the incomprehensible. I will just say take the trip. It’s worth it!!

 

 

After two hours we got back in the car and drive the nine miles back to Edmond for lunch at this cute little bistro and talked and talked and talked. 35 years and we discovered we were in some of the same places at the same time!! Thank you Facebook and the interwebs.

It was time for me to head north. I wasn’t necessarily dreading driving through KS but it wasn’t what I deemed a highlight. I was surprised as  all the memories came flooding back and all of the changes. I was gawking when I reached Wichita so I missed my exit. It worked out and took me on a memory lane tour of my first husband, our first date spot, our wedding spot. Oh you know, all gone know because of road expansion. It was fitting I guess as things are still there but change happens.
I made my way north with my trusty cooler and Siri. I have her set to take the fastest route for my job. It was nice to take some back roads except small town KS and the great potty ride make me anxious. Yes I’m prepared for emergencies. I stumbled upon a replica of the Statue of Liberty outside Gaylord, KS. Beautiful!!

I finally found a Sonic and Great Potty Ride in Phillipsburg, KS.  This little town took me back to my childhood memories of spending summers in Western KS with my grandma. Same brick streets and small town feel. I miss her so much. I know she would pick me up and love me forward no matter what.

Found the Nebraska state line and watched a storm develop. I have been listening to Janet Evonavich on my audible downloads and wow does this make this trip easier. I made it to I80 and drove straight into the storm. It was 9pm, I couldn’t see so I pulled off for about 20 minutes. The storm finally let up and off I went for bed in North Platte, Nebraska. It’s time for today’s journey to our final destination. I think I need to take some Advil after the 515 miles yesterday!!

Being Brave; Living a Solo Life

BEING BRAVE

LIVING A SOLO LIFE

6/29/18

A PLAN

WHERE SHOULD I GO

Several months ago I decided I needed to just be me. I’m tired of people treating me like I’m an option and not a priority. We as a society treat people as options if they don’t conform to your ways. I have some fabulous supportive people in my life but on the days I can’t do life they back away. I’m generally a positive person but my life is not always a fun place to be. I’m trying to cope. I get out of bed everyday. I go to work and I make plans. Over the years I’ve done things, been places, explored the world. I’ve had company but somehow when the plans come to things I wanted to do I’m the bad one for being upset that I spend thousands of dollars and don’t get to see Hatchards book shop in London because someone else wasn’t happy with the agenda but told me to make the plans. In my world I’m tired of being an option instead of a priority. Scott used to plan with me. We each got to do things but that’s not been the case. I plan for family trips everyone gets to do their thing but when it’s my turn they rearrange the plans. So this became something I needed to do for me. I lost my partner in love and life. I make a new life even when I don’t want to. I’m done bending for people who won’t bend for me. So here we go!!

Where do you say? How do you know where to go? A suggestion from a patient and his wife. An idea was born six months ago. You can go to Mt Rushmore and they have bus tours. You can see the world alone and still be around people. Checking flights, too expensive. Okay let’s drive and see what ever I want. So I mapped a route on the Roadtrippers app.

I ordered the South Dakota State visitors guide. I discovered my patients care that I live. I have used that guide with a patient who used to travel the country. He has helped me map a route. He can’t wait for me to return to see it all since he can’t go. The car is loaded, the snacks are riding shotgun and books on audio are ready to go!! I have my camera and I'm armed with a general plan. I off to be me. I'm off to see me and a bunch of wonderful things along the way. Road Trip!! Deadwood, South Dakota here we come!

RoadTrip

I received the Solo Dice from a fellow SLP as a reminder that I can do this. It is in my power to make my life happen. I do care about the people I'm not good enough for but I am good enough for me. It's taking me a lot of prayer, internal power, meditation and just doing it to make all of this happen. I must keep living. No matter what happens in this life I have been given it I have to keep going. It may not be what I want it's what I have to do. So let's get this motor running. I hope Moose enjoys his cat sitter and doesn't ask for too much Moose time in the middle of the night..

Vulnerable to gratitude

“We are anxious people and we have very little tolerance for vulnerability.”- Brene Brown

Intense feelings of love will often bring up fear of loss. I’ve spent the last 7.5 years finding how to live forward and then things happen and I have set backs. How do I stop fighting my fear of joy, gratitude and happiness? I’ve been attracted to exactly one person in the entire 7.5 years. He’s the only reason I know I could feel again. Just being friends hurts too much. I push away and then I’m not good enough. I can’t be vulnerable anymore. I’m not capable but I am. I have too much fear, yet I still feel the love. Being ripped out of letting myself love someone new because I feel like I’m not good enough to trust, can I survive being hurt yet again?

“ A joyful life is made up of joyful moments gracefully strung together by trust, gratitude, inspiration and faith.” – Brene Brown 

We take those moments and we make a life. Life isn’t perfect. Do I try to be. Not really. It may seem like that to someone on the outside with being organized or doing things completely, being on time. But I don’t mind the piles of mail, cat fur and dust. A list of incomplete projects that I may get to. Until the time they begin to stress me out and I need to fix them. I like to be heard. I like to present an idea and not be shot down. I like to be a thought in someone else’s day that makes them smile. I like to know someone can call me and I see them pop up on my cell and I’m excited after a crap day. Joyful moments, loving someone because they keep saying things that make you question if there should be more or you should walk away. 

My daughter brings me joy. I love her always. I don’t love her behavior, her demands. This isn’t the girl I raised. I like to see pictures of her happy and smiling but we don’t always get our way. When your wants become demands instead of gratitude for the things you have, your life needs a step back. My life needs a step back. Do I do for her because I love her or do I do less for her because I love her more than money?  My choice, not because she demands things certain way. When her behaviors are hurting me I had to step back and reevaluate my own gratitude, joy and faith. I love her but I won’t be a doormat.  

If you have wants and you are unable to provide them for yourself you need to examine where you are. Are you in a moment of adulthood or stuck in between with adult dreams but unable to grab them on your own? If you can’t afford to live on your own without assistance you don’t need to be married. Life can change on a dime. My life is more than the here and now. I had to be able to plan for a future. A life without anyone. It’s not what I want. My family is everything to me but I’m not to them. I made myself vulnerable to my family and they too slapped me back.  

You want to be the center of the world without the work it takes to instantly stay in joy, gratitude and faith. Relationships, all of them, take work. Being a wife, mother, friend, sister isn’t easy everyday. When I don’t see myself as good enough I shut down. I shut out the world. I bury myself in a dark pit of despair. And sometimes all I an do is say I have the strength to get out of bed today. I have to be good enough just for me. I’m still learning how to take the brick wall around my heart but I do love someone and not being loved back is very vulnerable place. I’ve had to learn to be grateful for the joy of knowing my heart isn’t shattered. There is light in the darkness. Does this person love me? I don’t know but that’s okay because I am living forward. I’m good enough just being me. 

“Happiness is attached to to external situations and events and it seems to ebb and flow as those circumstances come and go. Joy seems to be constantly tethered to our hearts by spirit and gratitude.” – Brene Brown

“People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed only of there is light from within.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. 

I see the difference in my own heart. There is still light shining in there. Light from the love Scott taught me how to feel. Light from the vulnerability of loving my daughter even when she pisses me off. Loving someone who can’t love me back. My heart is there, I’m vulnerable. I am more than the holes and roles people assign me to. I love without conditions even when you don’t love me back. I am good enough. I’m ready to soar even when I have to feel again and risk being hurt yet again. 

Good Enough

Honor your commitments. I'm not always the best at this. Sometimes I remind myself why I'm doing something when I'd rather be selfish. There are things I've done I had to convince myself to do. Volunteering for The Army Marathon, going to work everyday, helping one more person than my health should allow, fighting through the pain in my heart to provide a life for my daughter. I do these things because that's where I'm supposed to be. 

I may not have been the best with marriage with H dad. Do I regret that I walked away? Sure but it was the right thing to do for our daughter. She didn't deserve to grow up on the path we were on. It's never been her fault and choosing to make it all right by her was always the best decision. Did I want to hang out with his new wife. Not really but if it meant H got to have both parents for a trip or holiday it was the right choice. It was never easy because she's bossy, controlling and God forbid she has to actually participate with me. Then I'm the one who is bossy and controlling when I can bend no more. I was willing to be there as a family for H. 

I've spent my life doing what everyone else wants. I feel like I'm invisible until I'm an inconvenience and voice I'm hurt. I'm not allowed to have feelings. Everyone just wants to pat me on the head and tell me to be the good little girl. Do you not hear me? So now I'm selfish and self centered because I want my daughter to be able to find her own feet. Marriage isn't a guarantee. Being able to do for yourself before adding more to your life is important. Because I'm the voice of life I'm an inconvenience. Pat me on the head, shut me up and just write the checks, we only need your money. 

I'm not good enough for anyone. If I didn't check into FB each day would you notice? If I died tonight who would notice? Not my daughter, not my mother. My patients would notice only because I honor my commitments to them. My entire life I've never been good enough. I was never a good enough daughter no matter how hard I tried, my brother is always better even though he's had his struggles. I was never a good enough wife. H dad could never defend me against his sister or his mother. I was only good enough for his mom on her death bed when she apologized and told me I was a great Mom and was a good wife (we had just finalized our divorce). I was enough for Scott but now he's gone and I'm not even good enough to send silly cat videos to or jokes. I'm not good enough.

I'm not good enough for my daughter when I ask her to look beyond 22. When I ask her to see life and the future I'm not good enough. I'm only good enough when she gets her way and I'm a checkbook with no questions asked. Now she has her dad to pay the bills. Wow. He couldn't do that when she was younger but to pay for her love now. Check he's got that. Remind him of what it was like growing up with a mom who struggled paycheck to paycheck. At 22 learn to stand on your own feet before you take on marriage and working full time while your husband goes to Med school. Love and money aren't contingent upon each other in my heart. 

I'm not enough to be important to anyone to respect and honor. I'm too emotional. I'm too fat. I don't dress right.. I'm an embarrassment. I'm not good enough as a Mom. I'm sorry I'm too broken. I happen to think I amazing. I know my limits. I try new things and I try to be the best I can be on any given day. That's not good enough for anyone else to love. To have the courtesy to discuss a situation. Oh wait lets just plan things behind her back, maybe she won't notice. Let's block her because she just doesn't get it. That's the problem, I do get it.  

I truly just want to die to be done with this life. I help everyone else. I love my patients. Today I discharged a patient who has her memory coming back in six weeks we did that together. She kept telling me thank you for guiding her. I give them back things I've lost but I don't get to have the same. I'm out of will to keep giving to everyone else and just be good enough when I'm the good little girl who is doing just what everyone else want, when I don't have feelings or emotions. 

I keep going even though I don't want to anymore. My heart isn't in life anymore. You can only take so much of only being needed when someone wants something before you crack. I'm beyond cracked. I'm now so broken I sit alone and cry daily. I wonder what my life has been about when I'm not good enough for my daughter, my Mom, Mike and others. I'm not perfect but I still have a heart. We are ultimately responsible for each other. If we weren't we wouldn't be such social beings. 

Do you know what it's like to be on the phone with a 'friend' who only calls to share their good news? And you listen but when you say something they have to go. Do you know what it's like to have things to say and be told, "we aren't talking about that anymore." Yes just keep your mouth shut, pay for things and don't have wants and needs. Yes I've been to counseling. I'm just tired. My brain hurts, my body is shutting down. I'm broken. I'm not good enough. Words are meaningless but actions say it all. I do so much for others but I'm not good enough. 

Now my head hurts less and I can finish my day. Helping those who need my gifts. Helping those who are in my life for just a short time. Those people I know I impact on a daily basis to keep living forward. Even when I want to curl up in a ball and just be done with life. 

I give you wings and hope you soar.

I've started this a thousand times because we all know writing was handed to me by my therapist years ago in times of stress to deescalate myself. I've been trying.

So let me start by saying the agreement made with H to pay for myself and her dad to pay for college was on the terms that she must finish before becoming engaged. This conversation began when she was in high school and started dating. This conversation had continued over various checkpoints even as she entered into a new relationship and then as she became serious of 'he's the one'. The last major episode was when she changed her major unbeknownst to us. The three of us sat down to discuss after a week of tears and you don't understands to reach a compromise. The last check point was no engagement until you graduate.

You see I have this crazy thought as a mother my job isn't to be her best friend and unconditional love includes making sure she can care for herself without a man. I've lost so much of my heart when I lost Scott but H was always number one. She and I had many discussions about taking time to grow into yourself before you take on the responsibility of a daily full time relationship. It sounds all wonderful but what happens if you are suddenly thrust into a life alone? I don't doubt her ability to finish college but I do doubt her ability to survive the pain if she's never been truly alone.  But in all things she is now 21.

Her dad texted me recently and said her boyfriend wanted to talk to him. We both knew what that meant as I'd been reminding H of her commitment to us. I could see the changes and I was prepared. Or so I thought. She's still not had to live on her own. She's had a part time job, her dad paid her rent/health insurance/sorority while I paid her tuition/car insurance/just about everything else. She was supposed to use her part time job to fund her sorority but she conned her Dad into doing that. I'm never sure what she tells him but when he gets around to even thinking about telling me stuff I know she's lied to him.

During our conversation I asked he made sure her boyfriend, B know of her commitment to us to finish college before becoming engaged and the ramifications. H 'convinced' me she wouldn't even start planning the wedding until she graduated. She had just recently transferred to nursing school two hours from B and is living rent free in his parents garage apartment. That was all fine except it increased the financial burden on myself and her father. Sure rent free is great but she no longer has a part time job so we were funding her lifestyle and the doubling of her tuition. I'd asked repeatedly that she look at a part time job. Most places work well with college students and she had enough free time to play.

She had also had an accident and her car insurance increased by $50 month, she broke her cell phone and I paid for the new one. She broke her laptop or it broke and her dad gave her repair money but then I get the frantic phone call that it was too expensive. I ended up being cheaper to order a new one. Which she and I did together over the phone. Because of the distance she was able to go to her local Apple Store and pick it up. What you all don't know about her behavior patterns is her history of manipulation and giving me the evil Mom status to her dad who then has to back track to find the middle of this. He's a great guy but he sucks at conflict.

When Scott was alive he was magic. He was able to get her and I to meet in the middle. I know I'm not blameless in all of this but I hate people treating me like I'm stupid. I see everything and she knows the rules. She calls her dad frequently after Scott died saying I was mean and she was afraid of me. I can be pushed, I'm human and I yell. I generally calm down let me stew and try to understand the other side. I spend my days analyzing others behaviors trying to help them succeed at life. Sometimes I suck at it for myself but don't we all. The 'I'm afraid of her behavior' generally happens when she has broken a rule and wants to avoid punishment. I'm such a horrible mother as to take away her phone. Now I'm horrible because I refuse to be the bank of Mom.

I actually am very happy for them both. I want them to have a life together. I want them to know live but I also know real life and want them to be prepared. Somewhere they have become convinced it all must happen now. She knew my stance and that I was prepared to stick to my financial arrangement with her. Do I think I'm right? Not always. Do I want control? No!! I want to know I've done my job as her Mom to raise her to take care of herself, love her and for her to know even if she's screws up or I think she's wrong I still love her. 

My bank account does not equal unconditional love. No matter what she thinks, her dad thinks, B thinks or even his parents think supporting my daughter doesn't always mean throwing money at her. Being a good parent equals the hard life lessons. His parents offered me money and told me to give up my Disney trips to make whatever she wants happen. Um first of all I don't even ask my own mother for money, allowed her Dad to not pay full child support and survive on my own as I was taught. You don't know me! Secondly my Disney budget is a separate line item in my accounting. It is my only joy and after everything I've lived through I get to have that. 

I'm trying very hard not to keep score but I've made sacrifices for her that she will never understand. I can't even begin to list then because their is no point and it is what a mother does. She is my heart. She is spreading her wings. I've made the hard choice to step back from her life. Luckily for her she has learned how to manipulate others to get her way. I'm not sure where that behavior began but as her Mom, I'm saddened. I don't want to control her. I want to give her wings. My view of the world comes from being forced to survive on my own. My own mother pushed me and right or wrong I flew. Did she do the same for my younger brother? Nope. His rules were always different. She didn't want me to be like her. I graduated with my Master's at 23. I know how to support myself. 

Her Dad and I were better off as friends. I still love him but I don't regret leaving. I knew it would just get worse. I do, however, regret I couldn't love him together. I do still love him. He gave me my greatest joy in H.  I want her to have wings. If this were about money I would be on the phone with the lawyer getting my car and cell phone back. Do I want to? Sometimes yes because I'm hurt. I feel betrayed. She has chosen to cut me off without talking when I asked for her to talk to me as an adult. Is going to his parents okay place for me to be to talk to them all? Not for my sanity. My health is suffering and bluntly what I can and can't pay for is none of their business. 

I'm going to always be here for her. I'm taking care of her dying cat because I love her. Me loving her isn't based on how I'm treated. Am I hurt by her yes just as I'm sure she is hurt by my decision to honor our agreement but I still love her. She has a life to live. I don't want to stop her but nor do I have to supply the funds. I was willing to find a middle but that wasn't good for her. I can only pray I've given her enough love and values to know she always has my heart. 

My own devices...

My doctor used to say to me "you are not crazy if you can say you are crazy and describe everything that is happening to you."  Do I think she was right? For the most part yes. Yesterday I saw true crazy from a patient's daughter. That is not me. Is it how I feel? YES!! Do I think I set myself up for this? YES!!! Should I walk away from the what I set myself up for? YES!! Have I? Nope!! A big fat NO!!!

I have my reasons but I'm the only one who can decide if they are good enough. Do we ever do things to people to hurt them to get them to leave us? Yup all the time. I've done it personally and it makes me feel worse. When you care about someone, friend, family, loved one, they seem to be the ones we take for granted. Push away when they may need us as much as we need them. Why do we work so hard at not being vulnerable? What is it about human nature that we are horrible to each other?

Am I just a little miss sunshine that can't see the bad in someone? We all have good in us, shouldn't we want to help everyone keep the good shining through? I know I want to be good enough but sometimes the little effort it takes to send a card, a joke, give a hug, hold a hand, have a dinner or a quick call out of the blue is to much for some. I just had a text exchange with my daughter. We have a social event this evening. She was kind enough to tell me if it was to hard for me I didn't gave to go, yet I, only worried about embarrassing her!! I will be fine when I arrive but I want to be good enough for her.

Yes this is the crap week for me. If left to my own devices, I dwell on the lost life I have? Do I still have a great life? YES!!! I make myself push out of my comfort zone. I do things on my own but I also know when I need help to keep going. Should I sometimes be more persistent? YES! I just don't make a very good squeaky wheel. I have a few wonderful people in my life. I would trust them with my daughter. Some were unavailable, one made time and then well it doesn't really matter anymore because I fell through the cracks. Maybe I really am supposed to deal with my own feelings of not being good enough. Yet somehow I continue to trust that people I need will take an hour to help me laugh. Then I realize that in the end it is my problem and asking for help is sometimes beyond what others can give.

I had a friend that I'm actually not very close to text me. I usually know he wants me to go to a meeting and somehow my life is upside down and sideways when this service group meets. He is aware and was kind enough to text say I know this is a tough week and I'm here if you need me. But my own self doubt didn't ask. I'm have no answers that get me a vision of the future but just enough to know it is fine to love someone more than they love you. Love and life really aren't a competition. I, however, would much prefer to have a life filled with love and laughter versus the paranoia, self doubt and worry I find myself slipping into this past week!!

We really do all have problems and helping someone else may lead you to the answers for yours!! Go remind a friend they are important to you!!

Doormat

Waves of grief happen at the strangest times. Most often as I go to bed at night.  I want a life. I live this half life where I work and have the most amazing daughter. You'd think it would be enough. However, I'm left with this feeling of living on the fringes. Never being good enough to love or be loved. I know I am loved but I don't feel whole.

I want. Oh hell I don't know what I want. To be honest last night I dreamed I was able to trade places with a sweet friend who is fighting cancer. She has wonderful children and a loving husband who deserve to have her around longer. I dreamed I got to take her cancer from her. I got my want, to be my spirit self with my love. Nobody wants this broken me. My patients need me. They love me. My daughter needs me. I know because I'm the first person she called in a crisis recently. Is it fair to her that I'm broken? I think frequently why am I still here? What do I need to be doing that I'm not?

I spend all day in the quiet of my car counting white Tundras and praying. If you appear in my thoughts I pray for you. I should be spewing light and love at this point but I just feel not good enough. Am I making any sense? Who knows? Not me! I sat down a few minutes ago and burst into tears. I started praying. All I could hear was "write the blog. Get it out. You aren't alone and you're only able to make sense when the words flow from your fingers. Share your heart, my heart!"

So here I am. My pain filled soul knowing I'm not good enough. I'm broken. I'm overly curvy. I'm too nice and a bit crazy. I want whatever I'm supposed to have but is this all? When you have a connection with someone but you aren't good enough to pursue. When you are just a person that is not enough to risk your heart for. That's me, the wall just gets higher as I fight to find joy. You can only make so many cards, paint so many canvases, cut paper, home projects before it all just becomes mindless activities to waste time doing.

You know when you pray to be surrounded by light and love, guide me, protect me, show me the way and you see the way but someone decides to make a right while your still driving straight. Seven years ago my GPS got off course and I'm lost. I'm ready to wonder off into the desert as the old tribal leaders would do when they knew they were of no use. I wonder if I just backed away from life who would notice! Would you notice if I didn't post for a week? Would you notice if I didn't pull out of my garage? Would anyone notice if I stopped eating?

Just like my patients where I'm sometimes the only one who notices them, would anyone notice me missing? They would because I'm reliable, dependable and always on time. Is that a deficit? I'm here. I haven't gone anywhere but if you don't want me just tell me. Don't leave me here like a doormat only when you need something from me. I'm broken and can't mend on my own. I need to know I'm good enough to be more than your old car you trade in for a younger model. I spend my days helping others become whole, how do I get there too?