Happy 3rd Anniversary!!

The moment you hope it's raining and thundering outside to fit your mood and it's only the recycling truck. It has been a long week and what seems like an even longer three years. 

Three years ago today I was supposed to walk down the aisle in my gown looking like the Princess Scott had decided I was to be into his waiting arms with Betsy officiating. Scott put this entire plan together. He made most of the decisions and I went along. How often do I have to say in my head, "I was right! We should have just gotten married on the beach in Hawaii." It doesn't change anything because that didn't happen. 

What really happened was my wonderful friend went to Lynne's house in MN. Susan and Betsy flew there to help take care of me in my fragile state. Everybody had gone to bed and Betsy took my rings in her hand and said, "I bless this union."  Then she held me while I sobbed in that gut wrenching nothing will ever be right cry. We did lots of things over the weekend and surprisingly I remember most of them. We spent the night at the casino for need of A/C. 

I had gone up to our rooms and somehow BA ended up there. She was a quiet voice of comfort. She pulled out a CD of photos from our trip in October where the gang got to meet Scott and asked if I was ready to see the pictures I'd never seen. She just let me cry my healing tears. 

We have talked at least once a week over the last three years. She always knew when to check up on me. I did the same for her. I can't help but think I forgot to call her last Wednesday. She would have called me today. She has been my closest friend and now she's gone. We have done so much together and I treasure every moment we spent together; Disneyland, Minnesota, DisneyWorld, Las Vegas, San Antonio, Denver...

Today I hope she is with Scott telling him she blessed our union and toasting with a glass of champagne. Today I will wear my rings for the day and treasure two lives ended too soon. Surround me with your light and love, guide me, protect me, show me the way. I love you Scott and Betsy. You both made my life better for having been in it. I will see you when it's my time but I know I still have a lot if life to live and others to love. I have to be here for my most important gift, Hannah. I want to see her graduate, go to college, graduate and become a grandma someday. I have more love to give. 

Without My Rings!!!

Well I guess a milestone has been reached. I left my engagement ring and diamond wedding band at Mom's house. I'm not freaked out. I didn't panic and make Hannah turn the car around and go get them. I miss them but I will survive without them on. I can't believe I'm saying this without tears rolling down my face. 

I miss him and the rings are a huge connection to him but I don't have to have them on. Maybe it is time to put them in the safe to be willed to Laynie when I join Scott. That was always the plan even when he was alive but I can't believe I'm okay with them going into the safe. 

I asked Mom to put them up until I get back there again. Huge step for me. Maybe it's time for more steps and I just didn't realize I was okay with new steps. I never thought I would not wear them. Sometimes I wear them in pieces. Just my wedding band or just the engagement ring but rarely do I forget them and certainly not for long periods of time. 

Yes, I guess I really am living forward into a life without Scott. I don't like it but I'm doing better then I ever imagined I would. I must be doing what he expects of me. I am stronger then I ever thought I would be  it just takes a small village to keep me going, surrounded by light and love. 

Marathoning Adventure

I miss him with every fiber of my heart in everything I do. I fake happy really well most of the time. There are times when I don't think about him at all. I volunteered at The Army Marathon a few weeks ago and for the first time I was happy as me. It was something new. Something I've never done or experienced before. I did something for a friend because they didn't know they needed the help. I was just me. For the first time in three years I was me. What do you say to someone who helps you and makes your life a little brighter if only for a moment? I will never be able to repay those s people in my life. 

Before I went in to volunteer I had a panic attack. I almost didn't go. I'm not a self centered person but I was too afraid to get out of my car and walk into a new world but with a lot of encouragement from another friend I did. Treating my patients for work is easy but Scott never leaves me. I explain at least once a day to a patient when they ask if I'm married that the man I love died in a car accident. They all share their condolences and tell me I need company to keep or I will marry again. I don't know that yet if ever. I do know that even in the joy of my life with Hannah I still miss Scott. I didn't miss him when I was busy helping other in a task that had nothing to do with him. 

I miss him when I travel, I miss him at football games, I missed him driving H and the gang around for Prom yesterday. The moments when I can picture him with me is when it hurts but I smile and keep going. I don't know how or why but I'm now helping with the planning of next year's The Army Marathon. Friday night I sat at a table like a fish out of water. I don't belong. What does a fat, sad, pathetic person who can't get over her husband dying have to offer? I don't run, I can't run but yet there I was. How did that become the one place I was truly happy and felt like myself for the first time in three years? 

I can't handle even putting my craft room back together after the flood. I've considered leaving it all boxed up and giving it away. The place Scott gave me. The scrap toys he would surprise me with all the time. He never complained when I bought paper. He would find some to add to the mix. He wanted to be a part of something I loved yet it makes me cry. I'm addicted to football and being the commish of the league but it makes me miss him. Yet I hate to exercise and find myself smiling and cheering for people that do. 

Is this an ok place for me to be? Why am I drawn there? What is it about doing something I've never done make me feel happy. Was it the look of joy on my friend's face watching it all unfold or was it some selfish reason inside of me? Do I need to hide from this world and start over somewhere completely new? Do I need to continue to face my own grief and find the little moments I'm happy? Why do I need to help my friends? I can answer that easily!! They have saved me and not even known it. 

Only a handful of people know this but I think you deserve to know!! A few weeks/months ago I checked myself into our local mental institution. I was beyond sad. I was done with my life and needed help. They didn't help. They tried to give me drugs for OCD. I had to help myself. I have to be here for Hannah. I couldn't let her down or the few that made sure I knew I was loved. Crazy as it may seem the people who matter the most reached out. I can't let them down!! 

Now I'm trying to figure out how not to let myself down. Life is still upside down for me. Maybe this is the new normal but I'm still not comfortable in my own skin. I still only see the sad, fat pathetic woman whose life is just a shell. How do I accept that I was asked to keep helping at this new experience because I really am wonderful? I really do have a gift to share or do I just accept that my prayers are being answered and I really am surrounded by light and love. That I am being guided and protected and shown the way. 

Limbo without a stick!!

"I don't want to die but I don't want to live. "

A patient said those words to me today and I instantly understood! I knew what he was explaining to me. I wanted to stand and shout I get it!! The trouble is having faith that being in this purgatory is where you are supposed to be for the moment. I want to understand but just to have blind faith is very hard to do. 

How many times have we spent as children being told look before you cross the street, check the pool before you dive in, watch for snakes in the brush? Yet we are expected to have blind faith that our life has a purpose. I'm trying but I still have so many questions. Why did I find love from a person that made me feel complete? Why do I see the world full of goodness and kindness even when I've been ripped apart at the seams? What do I have to do for someone to look at me and tell me they see me? Why am I still afraid of my own shadow? 

We have all these rules yet the same patient told me today, "Why can't the rest of the world be like you are? You give from your heart and ask nothing in return. You genuinely care about those around you but others don't act like that when they should!"  How can a patient with a severe stroke see that in me? I don't see that in me! There are things in my life that have happened that I've only shared with one person and he left me so those heartaches are mine left to bear. Yes I've given them to God and can still love those around me but there will come a time when I can't take anymore. What am I supposed to do then? I feel my strength draining but then I'm given a message like today. 

I hear the answers to my prayers and feel a revitalization in my heart. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I want to be wrapped into a warm embrace where someone will hold me, share my prayers and just be understood with a look that I'm not alone when I need a boost. It happens all the time when I feel the overcoming need to choose death versus life. Someone reaches out and my prayers are answered. I miss being silly! I miss laughing at craziness around me with someone who sees the world for what it is. I miss the person who would sit on the floor beside me and pester me into laughter. I miss what it means to be able to share a light bulb moment across the waves in and text. I miss the phone bill with the thousands of messages. 

I miss really feeling like I'm living in the moments without an effort. Life is still an effort. Living is still an effort. Why can't someone just come sit as close to me on the couch and read over my shoulder as I type? Why can't someone else join me in a game of Yahtzee on the iPhone all curled up together. I miss the feeling like I'm living effortlessly.  I still have moments where just breathing is saddening and maddening at the same time. Yet I keep asking to be surrounded with light and love, guided protected and shown the way! Maybe I ask for too much!!  Life is the limbo without the stick!!

Snapshots

Snapshots

My memories are there. Someday they may fade but my heart still knows love. I drove along my path, doing my errands and making decisions along the way. I only knew the things I had to do but not where I would land. Along the way during the day I decided to head to my Mom's.  I spent a lot of time on my journey. The car seems to be a place for my heart to find comfort. After Scott died it was the only place I felt any control. My friends made sure I was safe but let me guide the way. 

My mind jumps from topic to topic and those that are closest to me are the ones where our conversations are circular and never end. Those are the people I'm drawn to but aren't those the best people to have? The ones who time and space cease to exist no matter how long it's been since you've seen them. 

Scott and I used to have this ongoing conversation about knowing when a moment is right and life is to short not to believe in those you love! He gave me love to keep living forward. My prayers are answered daily in little ways and I know it is my duty to listen to those softly spoken instructions in my heart. My path lead me to my Mom. This week was a struggle for her with the birthdays of my Grandmother and my Aunt. She needed me to visit and I heard the whisper. 

There are people in my life that I can never repay. I do my best but I can only give from my heart and hope they know the strength they have given me to live. My house may be empty but my love is full. Scott is still part of that love. On my way to my Mom's I had a lot of things to process. How do you explain to people that they have touched your life enough to keep you here on this plane of existence? Yes Hannah is my reason for living but there are some who often remind me of that without knowing. 

I got a text today that reminds me my friends love me and will protect me. They have figured out what I'm trying to ignore - April 4th. They know I need them and will be there for me on the day I would chose not to see. It is okay my prayers are answered each day. I am surrounded by light and love. I'm guided and protected and one day my love will soar once again. Until that day I will listen to he whispers and find the road to travel. I will review the snapshots in my mind and cherish the memories.

On the way home it dawned on me I needed to be at Mom's too. I remembered the road travel three years ago, tasting wedding cakes, spotting bald eagles and being cared for when I had the flu. My weekend was different but I was able to make new snapshots of memories. I was able to pray to continue to find my way because I'm listening to the whispers guiding me on my journey. 

Dancing Goofy

Sitting alone on the couch watching Christmas movies after the rest of the world has long since gone to bed. Someone told me today what an inspiration I am to them and as I sit here pondering that thought I still feel the great loss in my life. I know the grief will never fade but I have learned to live beyond the pain in my heart.  I share my moments of joy and triumph mixed in with the sadness and heartbreak each day. Who wants to be around a sad, old, fat woman. I know I don't yet that person is what I see when I look in the mirror. 

I saw the doctor today to renew my sadness medicine for the year. It helps get me through the days but I often wonder how to live my life alone. I don't mind being single. It seems easier then keeping the relationship comprises going. I don't have to worry about where I sit my pjs down in the morning or if I leave my shoes all over the house. If I want to leave dishes in the sink I do because no body else cares.  Truthfully I avoid H side of the house when she is home because I don't want to be that grumpy Mom. She does most of the stuff I ask her to do and somehow getting dressed from the clothes on the chair just seems like a battle that doesn't matter. 

It's not a horrible place to live. Our home feels lived in and full of love.  There are projects I need to get to and things I need to finish but I will get them done when my life slows down. That just isn't today or the next year and a half for that matter. When H leaves for college maybe in will finally get around to cleaning my craft room of all the wedding stuff or making
the quilts I want to try. I have mounds of cross-stitch projects to complete or I could continue making the Christmas ornaments that give me peace. I don't know where I will be but sappy Christmas movies don't make me feel any better. 

I miss laying under the tree holding hands and looking up at the lights. I miss taking our drives with the Christmas music blaring looking at the Christmas lights, I miss finding that special gift that only has meaning for two people even if it is as silly as Buzz band aids. I bought them again at Wally World last night. I bought the Buzz wrapping paper even though there is no one to use it for anymore. I walk through the store thinking of shopping for the girls even when I know Laynie isn't in our lives anymore. I miss her just as much as I miss Scott. I miss our family. But I'm living my new life trying not to be half a person. 

The bright side to my healing process is I know I don't need just any guy in my life to feel again. I'm not going crazy and just random dating. I don't have to throw my self into to something to feel alive again. I live each day and try real hard not to think about my future. I make little plans here and there but I could care less what my life will be like in two years. I don't see that far ahead anymore. There are things and people I hope are in my life for a very long time but for the moment it's just me laying on the couch listening to the silence around me wishing I was really as strong as people think I am. I would be lying if I said being alone is something I like to do all the time but being single doesn't mean I have to be alone. 

So maybe it is time to take my happy pill and wish for dreams that are filled with love and magic. Sometimes that doesn't mean Scott. A dream filled with a bunch of crazy Disney friends singing and dancing in front of a magical castle with some of them in costume being led by a dancing Goofy who chooses me to make smile brings a joy to my heart that I can only wish will come true. Sweet dreams my friends and thank you for allowing me to be in your lives. I love you! 

Dimes

Dimes

I've been trying to find one thing each day to be thankful for in November. I don't want to do the usual I want them to have special meaning for me to enrich my life and fill my heart with mending and purpose. I look at it as an assignment to help my spirit grow and my my faith stronger. 

This month has been very stressful at work. It is a very large case of who moved my cheese and I'm trying to not be frustrated or upset with all the stuff I have to deal with each day. Needless to say Medicare and the government aren't really saving money they have just moved it around to the fiscal intermediaries instead of helping patients they are denying services. Enough about that I'm trying to stay focused on helping my patients with the ever shrinking tools. So in each day I breathe and try to smile. 

Right after Scott died I started finding dimes in the craziest places where they shouldn't be; the bathroom in the tub, an empty suitcase I pulled out of the closet, in my shoe one morning. I'm not kidding. It is one of those things I don't talk about I just smile and say hello, my love. The dimes still happen but not very often until two weeks ago when my stress levels jumped. 

Once again I'm finding dimes everywhere. I had one of my eye shadows break in my makeup bag I was cleaning it out and in the bottom of the bag I found a dime. The biggest one was on Saturday I found a dime on the floor in the kitchen. I was home alone and horrible bored trying to entertain myself and not be sad. I picked up the dime and sat holding it in my hand. I was sitting on the couch in my spot reading a book flipping the dime between my fingers. My nervous, restless energy slowed down. I was better I couldn't sleep though. I hate going to bed alone in the empty house so I watched everything I had stored on the DVR. Finally I called it a night at 3 am. I laid the dime on the couch. 

On Sunday I went to work, not thinking about the dimes. When I got to work there was one sitting in my drawer that has no money. Gentle reminders I guess. When I got home I was waiting on H to return from her Dad's. We were going to attack my arch nemesis - the grocery store. As I was sitting there I was playing with my engagement ring and the dime. I realized the dime almost fits perfectly inside my ring, my perfect circle of love to infinity and beyond. 

I sat the dime down when H came in and we conquered the grocery store. It doesn't give me panic attacks nearly as bad as it used to, if at all.  I figured out the reason isn't time but they have gotten rid of the one thing Scott and I used to make a game out of, self help weighing station kiosks. Seems like something so small wouldn't be such a big deal but it would always make me cry and send me into panic mode. 

We got home unloaded the groceries and I went back to my spot on the couch to pay bills and sew. When I got over there I saw the dime on the ground. I'm not sure how it got there because no one was home to touch it. I'm going with my theory that the other side isn't that far away. I know it may seem strange but its like a reminder that I'm not struggling alone. There are powers I don't understand but I accept them. So I'm thankful for my Dimes. I guess with inflation Pennies from Heaven have changed to dimes.