Thoughts on a Plane

A trip to keep going. I'm not sure how it happens but I keep growing older. As I sit here on the airplane I wonder what my goals in life should be. Scott is gone, Hannah is going to college. I have thing to do to keep me busy but is it really enough?

My heart hurts with all of the loss but in the same breath my heart needs to give and receive.  I'm trying to make each day fulfilling but I'm not a person who does well being alone. I still don't understand the last three years and the events that I can't change. I know I'm not supposed to but my rational brain wants to understand why I'm not good enough to keep what other people have. 

I may not be skinny, young, beautiful and athletic but I do have a big heart that does hurt. I don't understand what is wrong with me. I have some really amazing friends but that's not enough. I miss the romance and love that was my life with Scott. I know he didn't die on purpose but I'm still mad at him. 

I still read trying to be rational and comprehend what my life is now but that isn't my life's plan I guess. I don't have it in me to impress others. What's the point anyway. I am who I am. All the good and bad in my life has brought me to this point 44 years later. I don't know if I will ever have it in my heart to put myself out there for a romantic relationship again. 

I still don't think in could even conceive holding hands and making plans for a future. I don't think I have it in me to be special in another's eyes. The other day I went into the jewelry store to pick up a gift. Those wonderful ladies always remind me how much Scott loved me. They keep telling me how our last pictures together shows how much life was right. 

I want to be where I'm happy again but I don't think I will ever get that reward again. I just get to be the sad, fat woman with MS who can't do anything for myself. I don't know why I having such thoughts on inadequacy but I am. I guess it's because I'm sitting next to this annoyingly happy couple on the plane. I just keep thinking I will never get to grow old with someone. I have to protect myself now and it's not very much fun. 

No one to text me all day long. No one to ask me a thousand crazy questions. No one to call Susan to tell her to make sure I don't overdo on our adventures. I've gotten really good at covering up the sadness but my heart hurts. The only got texts from five people for my birthday.  Granted I got to hug some people in person and a lot on Facebook but not a single phone call from even my Mom. I held on to my phone like a lifeline. I hate 'special' occasions these days. It's like I have to brace myself to hang on because its all never going to be right again. 

Stupid cute, skinny, happy couples who get to snuggle and make plans for the future. I'm sorry I'm such a downer but this is where my brain is after that flight. Now to return to the one person I love the most for a few hours before she heads to drum major camp for the week! I know I'm not the only one who is alone with these feelings but I hate feeling jealous of other people's happiness. Why don't I get to be happy that way? I feel cheated! 

Happy 3rd Anniversary!!

The moment you hope it's raining and thundering outside to fit your mood and it's only the recycling truck. It has been a long week and what seems like an even longer three years. 

Three years ago today I was supposed to walk down the aisle in my gown looking like the Princess Scott had decided I was to be into his waiting arms with Betsy officiating. Scott put this entire plan together. He made most of the decisions and I went along. How often do I have to say in my head, "I was right! We should have just gotten married on the beach in Hawaii." It doesn't change anything because that didn't happen. 

What really happened was my wonderful friend went to Lynne's house in MN. Susan and Betsy flew there to help take care of me in my fragile state. Everybody had gone to bed and Betsy took my rings in her hand and said, "I bless this union."  Then she held me while I sobbed in that gut wrenching nothing will ever be right cry. We did lots of things over the weekend and surprisingly I remember most of them. We spent the night at the casino for need of A/C. 

I had gone up to our rooms and somehow BA ended up there. She was a quiet voice of comfort. She pulled out a CD of photos from our trip in October where the gang got to meet Scott and asked if I was ready to see the pictures I'd never seen. She just let me cry my healing tears. 

We have talked at least once a week over the last three years. She always knew when to check up on me. I did the same for her. I can't help but think I forgot to call her last Wednesday. She would have called me today. She has been my closest friend and now she's gone. We have done so much together and I treasure every moment we spent together; Disneyland, Minnesota, DisneyWorld, Las Vegas, San Antonio, Denver...

Today I hope she is with Scott telling him she blessed our union and toasting with a glass of champagne. Today I will wear my rings for the day and treasure two lives ended too soon. Surround me with your light and love, guide me, protect me, show me the way. I love you Scott and Betsy. You both made my life better for having been in it. I will see you when it's my time but I know I still have a lot if life to live and others to love. I have to be here for my most important gift, Hannah. I want to see her graduate, go to college, graduate and become a grandma someday. I have more love to give. 

Without My Rings!!!

Well I guess a milestone has been reached. I left my engagement ring and diamond wedding band at Mom's house. I'm not freaked out. I didn't panic and make Hannah turn the car around and go get them. I miss them but I will survive without them on. I can't believe I'm saying this without tears rolling down my face. 

I miss him and the rings are a huge connection to him but I don't have to have them on. Maybe it is time to put them in the safe to be willed to Laynie when I join Scott. That was always the plan even when he was alive but I can't believe I'm okay with them going into the safe. 

I asked Mom to put them up until I get back there again. Huge step for me. Maybe it's time for more steps and I just didn't realize I was okay with new steps. I never thought I would not wear them. Sometimes I wear them in pieces. Just my wedding band or just the engagement ring but rarely do I forget them and certainly not for long periods of time. 

Yes, I guess I really am living forward into a life without Scott. I don't like it but I'm doing better then I ever imagined I would. I must be doing what he expects of me. I am stronger then I ever thought I would be  it just takes a small village to keep me going, surrounded by light and love. 

Marathoning Adventure

I miss him with every fiber of my heart in everything I do. I fake happy really well most of the time. There are times when I don't think about him at all. I volunteered at The Army Marathon a few weeks ago and for the first time I was happy as me. It was something new. Something I've never done or experienced before. I did something for a friend because they didn't know they needed the help. I was just me. For the first time in three years I was me. What do you say to someone who helps you and makes your life a little brighter if only for a moment? I will never be able to repay those s people in my life. 

Before I went in to volunteer I had a panic attack. I almost didn't go. I'm not a self centered person but I was too afraid to get out of my car and walk into a new world but with a lot of encouragement from another friend I did. Treating my patients for work is easy but Scott never leaves me. I explain at least once a day to a patient when they ask if I'm married that the man I love died in a car accident. They all share their condolences and tell me I need company to keep or I will marry again. I don't know that yet if ever. I do know that even in the joy of my life with Hannah I still miss Scott. I didn't miss him when I was busy helping other in a task that had nothing to do with him. 

I miss him when I travel, I miss him at football games, I missed him driving H and the gang around for Prom yesterday. The moments when I can picture him with me is when it hurts but I smile and keep going. I don't know how or why but I'm now helping with the planning of next year's The Army Marathon. Friday night I sat at a table like a fish out of water. I don't belong. What does a fat, sad, pathetic person who can't get over her husband dying have to offer? I don't run, I can't run but yet there I was. How did that become the one place I was truly happy and felt like myself for the first time in three years? 

I can't handle even putting my craft room back together after the flood. I've considered leaving it all boxed up and giving it away. The place Scott gave me. The scrap toys he would surprise me with all the time. He never complained when I bought paper. He would find some to add to the mix. He wanted to be a part of something I loved yet it makes me cry. I'm addicted to football and being the commish of the league but it makes me miss him. Yet I hate to exercise and find myself smiling and cheering for people that do. 

Is this an ok place for me to be? Why am I drawn there? What is it about doing something I've never done make me feel happy. Was it the look of joy on my friend's face watching it all unfold or was it some selfish reason inside of me? Do I need to hide from this world and start over somewhere completely new? Do I need to continue to face my own grief and find the little moments I'm happy? Why do I need to help my friends? I can answer that easily!! They have saved me and not even known it. 

Only a handful of people know this but I think you deserve to know!! A few weeks/months ago I checked myself into our local mental institution. I was beyond sad. I was done with my life and needed help. They didn't help. They tried to give me drugs for OCD. I had to help myself. I have to be here for Hannah. I couldn't let her down or the few that made sure I knew I was loved. Crazy as it may seem the people who matter the most reached out. I can't let them down!! 

Now I'm trying to figure out how not to let myself down. Life is still upside down for me. Maybe this is the new normal but I'm still not comfortable in my own skin. I still only see the sad, fat pathetic woman whose life is just a shell. How do I accept that I was asked to keep helping at this new experience because I really am wonderful? I really do have a gift to share or do I just accept that my prayers are being answered and I really am surrounded by light and love. That I am being guided and protected and shown the way. 

Limbo without a stick!!

"I don't want to die but I don't want to live. "

A patient said those words to me today and I instantly understood! I knew what he was explaining to me. I wanted to stand and shout I get it!! The trouble is having faith that being in this purgatory is where you are supposed to be for the moment. I want to understand but just to have blind faith is very hard to do. 

How many times have we spent as children being told look before you cross the street, check the pool before you dive in, watch for snakes in the brush? Yet we are expected to have blind faith that our life has a purpose. I'm trying but I still have so many questions. Why did I find love from a person that made me feel complete? Why do I see the world full of goodness and kindness even when I've been ripped apart at the seams? What do I have to do for someone to look at me and tell me they see me? Why am I still afraid of my own shadow? 

We have all these rules yet the same patient told me today, "Why can't the rest of the world be like you are? You give from your heart and ask nothing in return. You genuinely care about those around you but others don't act like that when they should!"  How can a patient with a severe stroke see that in me? I don't see that in me! There are things in my life that have happened that I've only shared with one person and he left me so those heartaches are mine left to bear. Yes I've given them to God and can still love those around me but there will come a time when I can't take anymore. What am I supposed to do then? I feel my strength draining but then I'm given a message like today. 

I hear the answers to my prayers and feel a revitalization in my heart. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I want to be wrapped into a warm embrace where someone will hold me, share my prayers and just be understood with a look that I'm not alone when I need a boost. It happens all the time when I feel the overcoming need to choose death versus life. Someone reaches out and my prayers are answered. I miss being silly! I miss laughing at craziness around me with someone who sees the world for what it is. I miss the person who would sit on the floor beside me and pester me into laughter. I miss what it means to be able to share a light bulb moment across the waves in and text. I miss the phone bill with the thousands of messages. 

I miss really feeling like I'm living in the moments without an effort. Life is still an effort. Living is still an effort. Why can't someone just come sit as close to me on the couch and read over my shoulder as I type? Why can't someone else join me in a game of Yahtzee on the iPhone all curled up together. I miss the feeling like I'm living effortlessly.  I still have moments where just breathing is saddening and maddening at the same time. Yet I keep asking to be surrounded with light and love, guided protected and shown the way! Maybe I ask for too much!!  Life is the limbo without the stick!!

Snapshots

Snapshots

My memories are there. Someday they may fade but my heart still knows love. I drove along my path, doing my errands and making decisions along the way. I only knew the things I had to do but not where I would land. Along the way during the day I decided to head to my Mom's.  I spent a lot of time on my journey. The car seems to be a place for my heart to find comfort. After Scott died it was the only place I felt any control. My friends made sure I was safe but let me guide the way. 

My mind jumps from topic to topic and those that are closest to me are the ones where our conversations are circular and never end. Those are the people I'm drawn to but aren't those the best people to have? The ones who time and space cease to exist no matter how long it's been since you've seen them. 

Scott and I used to have this ongoing conversation about knowing when a moment is right and life is to short not to believe in those you love! He gave me love to keep living forward. My prayers are answered daily in little ways and I know it is my duty to listen to those softly spoken instructions in my heart. My path lead me to my Mom. This week was a struggle for her with the birthdays of my Grandmother and my Aunt. She needed me to visit and I heard the whisper. 

There are people in my life that I can never repay. I do my best but I can only give from my heart and hope they know the strength they have given me to live. My house may be empty but my love is full. Scott is still part of that love. On my way to my Mom's I had a lot of things to process. How do you explain to people that they have touched your life enough to keep you here on this plane of existence? Yes Hannah is my reason for living but there are some who often remind me of that without knowing. 

I got a text today that reminds me my friends love me and will protect me. They have figured out what I'm trying to ignore - April 4th. They know I need them and will be there for me on the day I would chose not to see. It is okay my prayers are answered each day. I am surrounded by light and love. I'm guided and protected and one day my love will soar once again. Until that day I will listen to he whispers and find the road to travel. I will review the snapshots in my mind and cherish the memories.

On the way home it dawned on me I needed to be at Mom's too. I remembered the road travel three years ago, tasting wedding cakes, spotting bald eagles and being cared for when I had the flu. My weekend was different but I was able to make new snapshots of memories. I was able to pray to continue to find my way because I'm listening to the whispers guiding me on my journey.