Wiper Blades

"Most of us don't need a psychiatric therapist
as much as a friend to be silly with. "
~Robert Brault~~The True Power

I need a great big belly laugh kind of mental escape. It was an odd day but well I just kept plugging along. I need to be working right now but I don't really feel like it for the moment. I will get done what I need to do just not right now. There is a commercial for Disney Cruise Line asking what makes everyone's dreams come true. I can answer that question right this minute with a resounding "I would love to take everyone I need in my life on that cruise for a great big grand 'ol party with lots of laughter and fun!"

Yesterday on the way home in the loverly down pouring rain my windshield wiper blades decided they needed to be replaced. Go figure they haven't been used in months and suddenly here we go. It is just another one of those little messages I receive. I'm sure I can change the blades but Scott just wouldn't let me before. It pops up another reminder of the way I was taken care of in my life. I miss those moments but I don't have a choice I get to learn things I wasn't supposed to even be bothered with learning. My Dad, however, is disagreeing loudly in Heaven with Scott about this one. He always taught me how to do things myself but you know he was always there to rescue me too. I don't want to be rescued, I just want to be loved.

It was another day with moments of fun and laughter. Another well placed phone call to make me smile and you know I said thank you today! Friends matter and if there is someone who makes your day just a bit brighter it is nice to return the favor by saying Thank You! I have decided the moments I need are to keep finding the smiles and laughter. I can be surrounded by grumpy and cranky but I just keep smiling. Today I really felt my smile. I was in a silly mood. I would have loved to have been in my Magic place with Hannah and my friends but I will hold these feelings until I can be there again.

So when you feel like the world is in need of some serious pscyh meds find a friend and giggle. Share a laugh even in a small moment it will make the day all that much better. I was able to "just keep swimming, Hakuna Matata!" style! Hey there is a Disney moment in each day you just have to be willing to find the magic!  I have more days to keep going. I am where I am supposed to be in each day and I BELIEVE! I believe in my ability to take care of myself and I believe in laughter and friendship! Those wiper blades will not get the best of me!

Sunshine and Rain

‎"Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others 
cannot keep it from themselves." 
~James Matthew Barrie


Do you have those people in your life that just make you smile for no reason other then a silly phone call or a post on FB? I know I do. I have those people in my life I look forward to interacting with on a daily basis. Some I wish I could talk to for hours and it is hard to say goodbye. Yesterday I needed one of those moments and somewhere out of the blue there it was, my phone call. It was a rainy, dreary day and it fit my underneath mood. I wasn't in a bad mood just sad underneath my smile. Hannah came home yesterday morning because she had school today. The teen social calendar, however, outweighed Mom. I didn't see her until almost 9 last night. 


I knew I had to stay busy. I knew I couldn't just go home and go to bed like I wanted just because it was cold. Instead I took myself for a pedicure and some eyebrow maintenance. I love my red toes. They make me smile. That makes me feel better after a strange day where I'm in one of those moods. When I finished with the toes I took myself to dinner. It seemed like the perfect soup and sandwich kind of night so off it was to McAlisters. It was busy for a Monday night. I found a spot and played video games with myself while I people watched waiting for my food to be delivered. There was a dad and his daughters with their iPhones. They were interacting and playing Words with Friends with each other at the same time. It was fun to see them laughing and smiling. It brought so many memories back of family time. 


As I sat there the cutest little old couple came in. She could barely walk. It made me remember all the times Scott would stop to help an older person. It was just ingrained in his being. I wanted to jump up so badly and help her to the restroom. Her husband stood and waited for her to return. When she did he helped her sit before he sat. I love seeing those wonderful gestures of long love. The woman saw me sitting alone and as I walked out she gave me the kindest smile. Sad but heartwarming. She touched my heart with that small gesture.


I drove home slowly hoping H would text to say it was time to pick her up when the radio got busy. I got so many messages out of the blue. I got home to the driveway and sat. I just sat listening to the music and the rain. I wasn't crying uncontrollably sad. It was a peaceful place to be. I know I have a purpose and a place to be. I like to think that same person who cheers me up with a phone call needs me too. I like to believe the people I look forward to chatting with each evening on FB need me too. I hope that as I write I am helping someone else find a better place in their life. I want to share the sunshine I have been given. 

Marathoning Magic

“We were made to enjoy music, 
to enjoy beautiful sunsets, 
to enjoy looking at the billows of the sea 
and to be thrilled with a rose that is bedecked with dew… 
Human beings are actually created for the transcendent, 
for the sublime, for the beautiful, for the truthful...
and all of us are given the task of trying to make this world
a little more hospitable to these beautiful things.”
― Desmond Tutu


I was watching an interview Oprah did with Steven Tyler on the OWN channel the other day. In is they are discussing music and Steven Tyler says "music is a gift from God." Oprah looks at him says "or Music is God." With that Steven Tyler hugs her and tells her she is absolutely correct. 


I have to agree. I am surrounded by music, my life has a soundtrack that didn't happen until Scott left me to join the Heavenly plane. I don't always know how or when the soundtrack comes through but it does at just the most amazing moments. I have discovered that I can't hide from it. Just as I can't hide from the world. I have these times when I get to pretend the world is only in my little reality. You see my house is the place I want to be a lot of the times. I get to have these moments where I get to live with my memories. It doesn't seem all that healthy to do all the time so I only do this once in awhile. 


I have so much energy this weekend but I upset my sleeping schedule to cheer my friends running the Disney 1/2 and full marathons this weekend. I wish I could have been there but I'm so proud of them. One of my friends ran both. This means she and her husband conquered the Goofy challenge. I'm glad I was able to cheer them on. She has been a huge cheerleader for me during all the days, weeks and months since I lost my Scott. She cheers me on in my life adventures and I'm glad I could do the same for her.  


I hope I get to hug her in person soon. You see the last week Scott and I were in Florida we were supposed to meet Carrie and her husband, Scott. In one of life's little twists it didn't happen.  It just a little thing but a big impact. So this weekend I shared my quiet time with my memories of my love and cheering my friends. I will keep stepping forward. I will keep making it and looking forward to conquering my own life of marathons! It will happen.  I can do it! 


I have so many cheerleaders in my life that I can only return the energy..Another one of those started a group of amazing people on a journey to achieve a goal of fitness and Disney together. What a better place to support your friends. . I love how so many special people are in my life because of one woman with a dream shared the power of the word - believe. Barbara, I Believe! I know I can make my own personal goals happen. It will just take more strength and courage to complete my own journey. I have found the joy and power I receive from helping others makes my own pain a bit less. I just want to make the world a bit more beautiful for others, just as I believe Scott continues to send me a message of love and encouragement through the power of music. We can all make the best things happen if we Believe!

Dating Enlightenment

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. 
God is the friend of silence. 
See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; 
see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence.... 
We need silence to be able to touch souls. " ~Mother Teresa

At work Rhonda and I reach a point about 3 pm everyday where our brains are mush and we just can't focus on much. Most of the time we end up doing busy work but today we were truly goofing off looking at a dating website. As we are sitting there we start asking each other questions that we can't answer because well we just don't have the right parts. We laughed as we emailed a friend who would be able to answer the questions we were having from the other side of the planet. Our question was, "what do men see when they are looking at dating websites?" You see we know my pitiful sad story but it is very different then most people who into the dating scene. We were very curious because my life is so very different then an end of a marriage that makes trusting your heart impossible.

I remember perfectly what it is like to have love, laughter, tears and fights. It all works together. Real romance for me isn't about the flowers for no reason, the candlelight dinners and the breakfasts in bed. You see I realize how much I miss the rest of a real love. I miss the laundry, housework, dirty dishes and yard work. I miss the flat tires, fights over where the dishes go in the cabinets or the annoyance of leaving the towel on the floor. I regret not getting to slam doors and yell because making up was always worth it. What I miss most is my best friend. I have lots to be thankful for but I don't think I can be in a place where I will be comfortable putting myself out there again. I'm afraid of experiencing all those things again and risk having it all ripped from my heart again.

So in our conversation today with our guy friend I took from the conversation that men and women are really afraid of the same things. No matter whether you have come from a crappy divorce or a tragic accident trusting in love is never easy. As we browsed I continued to realize that my bar is set really high. I don't want to compare Scott to anyone else, I just don't want to feel that deeply again. So with that is it really worth it to even try? I'm in a good place with who I am. I have two years left here with Hannah. I have great friends who keep me grounded and take care of me when I'm not in the best place. I can still miss him but I am living with places to go and people to meet.

My Earth shattering enlightenment today is what I already know, "when the time is right I will be where I am supposed to be!" I know I'm not a dater because when the time is right it will be with someone who is a friend first, someone who knows me and likes me warts and all, someone who I can have a conversation with jumping from subject to subject without running out of things to talk about and comfortable in silence. I'm not in any rush to find that person. Who knows we may already know each other but we just aren't where we are supposed to be yet. Men and women have the same fundamental fears and goals and you know what, in the end we all just want to be loved for ourselves.

Power Chair Day

‎"Above all, do not lose your desire to walk. 
Every day I walk myself into a state of well-being 
and walk away from every illness. 
I have walked myself into my best thoughts, 
and I know of no thought so burdensome 
that one cannot walk away from it. " 
~Soren Kierkegaard

Walking is something so many people take for granted. I don't! I can't. I try everyday to keep going but there are those days that my legs say no. Do you know what it's like not to be able to support yourself on your legs? Do you know what it is like to have severe pain that makes the simplest movement impossible? Do you know what it is like to have only enough energy to walk the 15 steps to the bathroom and then have to make it back to the bed? I know those things. I fight them and it seems to be getting worse. I don't know how that is possible. I'm not doing anything different. I have the same job, the same stress, the same happiness, the same things to look forward to and the same things to miss. 

I know the days like today happen and I have to accept them with grace and a sense of humor. Today I was wishing I had a Power Chair just to get to the kitchen because my legs wouldn't do that for me. Today I remember what it takes for me to appreciate each day I have that are good days. Even when the good days have lots of tears and wishes for things I can't change. I have some amazing people in my life who make me laugh and smile, who take care of me on the bad days and don't really care that I look oh so rough after spending 24 hours in bed. Rhonda took care of stuff at work and Mike brought me dinner when he had to pick up something for Hannah so I would eat. 

I count today as a good day because I made it to the bathroom to brush my teeth and I manged to shower. I still can't stand well but isn't that what the chair in front of my sink and the bench in the shower is for? I don't know how I feel about getting worse except that I will just keep thinking today is a bump in the road and I will make it tomorrow. I will walk again tomorrow. I listened to my grumpy body but I'm not going to let it impair my spirit and will to keep going. I can fight this stupid disease. I will fight this and I will make it. Someday I might really need that power chair for real, today I will just settle for the jokes about drinking soup from a garden hose. 

I had sleep that wasn't always the best but was full of some great dreams. Tomorrow I will conquer my legs and all the pain. I will make it work for me. I have to keep going because for some reason I have a life that I'm supposed to live. I will keep going and even though I want to be negative I don't have a choice to give in. I have to keep finding my smiling positive self. It makes me feel better and like to think it makes others feel better. Now what color should I pick out for that power chair? My body is telling me I'm 80 when my heart says I'm still in my 20's! Oh well that is my life!

Shin Kicking Volunteer

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith!"
~Margaret Shepherd

Here we go into another year. I've been crying off and on. I feel like kicking a man in the shins. Since the shins I really need to kick aren't available do I have any volunteers? My radio was a bit overpowering today and it is really hard to use a ghost as a punching bag. I want my life back but this is my life now. So I try new things. I had to work today. I then came home to an empty house. Two years ago, wow, will be the most perfect New Year's I've ever spent. Two years ago I climbed a giant rock and I was enchanted. Two years ago I fell asleep in love. This year I fell asleep alone but still in love. No giant rock to climb but a huge mountain to continue to scale. No wedding cake to taste, no wedding favors to order, no invitations to make and no arms to curl up in when my MS kicks in.

I'm sorry for being such a downer. I"m sorry for being a sad sack. I have tears that I hide now. It's just easier to put on the brave face for everyone else even though my heart hurts. I needed to radio magic today. I don't think about it much but there he was. I pulled into the driveway just sitting there listening. New music, new words reminding me to believe in love. That I don't have to be so very down and out. I am so good at making everyone believe that each day is a new step forward. I'm tired and worn out. I spent most of the weekend sleeping and all weekend in my PJ's.

So today I tried to be a forward thinker again. I'm planning Disney for the our engagement anniversary week. Three years since Scott proposed. We won't be staying in the same hotel but it seems like the perfect thing to do. I miss him dearly. I don't think that will every change but I'm trying to live even when I want to kick him in the shins and sit down and cry. So I guess I will settle for the bathtub with bubbles and a few almond M&M's. Just as long as I don't drop the M&M's into the tub again. That will really make me cry.