Shin Kicking Volunteer

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith!"
~Margaret Shepherd

Here we go into another year. I've been crying off and on. I feel like kicking a man in the shins. Since the shins I really need to kick aren't available do I have any volunteers? My radio was a bit overpowering today and it is really hard to use a ghost as a punching bag. I want my life back but this is my life now. So I try new things. I had to work today. I then came home to an empty house. Two years ago, wow, will be the most perfect New Year's I've ever spent. Two years ago I climbed a giant rock and I was enchanted. Two years ago I fell asleep in love. This year I fell asleep alone but still in love. No giant rock to climb but a huge mountain to continue to scale. No wedding cake to taste, no wedding favors to order, no invitations to make and no arms to curl up in when my MS kicks in.

I'm sorry for being such a downer. I"m sorry for being a sad sack. I have tears that I hide now. It's just easier to put on the brave face for everyone else even though my heart hurts. I needed to radio magic today. I don't think about it much but there he was. I pulled into the driveway just sitting there listening. New music, new words reminding me to believe in love. That I don't have to be so very down and out. I am so good at making everyone believe that each day is a new step forward. I'm tired and worn out. I spent most of the weekend sleeping and all weekend in my PJ's.

So today I tried to be a forward thinker again. I'm planning Disney for the our engagement anniversary week. Three years since Scott proposed. We won't be staying in the same hotel but it seems like the perfect thing to do. I miss him dearly. I don't think that will every change but I'm trying to live even when I want to kick him in the shins and sit down and cry. So I guess I will settle for the bathtub with bubbles and a few almond M&M's. Just as long as I don't drop the M&M's into the tub again. That will really make me cry.