Every day I walk myself into a state of well-being
and walk away from every illness.
I have walked myself into my best thoughts,
and I know of no thought so burdensome
that one cannot walk away from it. "
~Soren Kierkegaard
Walking is something so many people take for granted. I don't! I can't. I try everyday to keep going but there are those days that my legs say no. Do you know what it's like not to be able to support yourself on your legs? Do you know what it is like to have severe pain that makes the simplest movement impossible? Do you know what it is like to have only enough energy to walk the 15 steps to the bathroom and then have to make it back to the bed? I know those things. I fight them and it seems to be getting worse. I don't know how that is possible. I'm not doing anything different. I have the same job, the same stress, the same happiness, the same things to look forward to and the same things to miss.
I know the days like today happen and I have to accept them with grace and a sense of humor. Today I was wishing I had a Power Chair just to get to the kitchen because my legs wouldn't do that for me. Today I remember what it takes for me to appreciate each day I have that are good days. Even when the good days have lots of tears and wishes for things I can't change. I have some amazing people in my life who make me laugh and smile, who take care of me on the bad days and don't really care that I look oh so rough after spending 24 hours in bed. Rhonda took care of stuff at work and Mike brought me dinner when he had to pick up something for Hannah so I would eat.
I count today as a good day because I made it to the bathroom to brush my teeth and I manged to shower. I still can't stand well but isn't that what the chair in front of my sink and the bench in the shower is for? I don't know how I feel about getting worse except that I will just keep thinking today is a bump in the road and I will make it tomorrow. I will walk again tomorrow. I listened to my grumpy body but I'm not going to let it impair my spirit and will to keep going. I can fight this stupid disease. I will fight this and I will make it. Someday I might really need that power chair for real, today I will just settle for the jokes about drinking soup from a garden hose.
I had sleep that wasn't always the best but was full of some great dreams. Tomorrow I will conquer my legs and all the pain. I will make it work for me. I have to keep going because for some reason I have a life that I'm supposed to live. I will keep going and even though I want to be negative I don't have a choice to give in. I have to keep finding my smiling positive self. It makes me feel better and like to think it makes others feel better. Now what color should I pick out for that power chair? My body is telling me I'm 80 when my heart says I'm still in my 20's! Oh well that is my life!
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