Dating Enlightenment

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. 
God is the friend of silence. 
See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; 
see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence.... 
We need silence to be able to touch souls. " ~Mother Teresa

At work Rhonda and I reach a point about 3 pm everyday where our brains are mush and we just can't focus on much. Most of the time we end up doing busy work but today we were truly goofing off looking at a dating website. As we are sitting there we start asking each other questions that we can't answer because well we just don't have the right parts. We laughed as we emailed a friend who would be able to answer the questions we were having from the other side of the planet. Our question was, "what do men see when they are looking at dating websites?" You see we know my pitiful sad story but it is very different then most people who into the dating scene. We were very curious because my life is so very different then an end of a marriage that makes trusting your heart impossible.

I remember perfectly what it is like to have love, laughter, tears and fights. It all works together. Real romance for me isn't about the flowers for no reason, the candlelight dinners and the breakfasts in bed. You see I realize how much I miss the rest of a real love. I miss the laundry, housework, dirty dishes and yard work. I miss the flat tires, fights over where the dishes go in the cabinets or the annoyance of leaving the towel on the floor. I regret not getting to slam doors and yell because making up was always worth it. What I miss most is my best friend. I have lots to be thankful for but I don't think I can be in a place where I will be comfortable putting myself out there again. I'm afraid of experiencing all those things again and risk having it all ripped from my heart again.

So in our conversation today with our guy friend I took from the conversation that men and women are really afraid of the same things. No matter whether you have come from a crappy divorce or a tragic accident trusting in love is never easy. As we browsed I continued to realize that my bar is set really high. I don't want to compare Scott to anyone else, I just don't want to feel that deeply again. So with that is it really worth it to even try? I'm in a good place with who I am. I have two years left here with Hannah. I have great friends who keep me grounded and take care of me when I'm not in the best place. I can still miss him but I am living with places to go and people to meet.

My Earth shattering enlightenment today is what I already know, "when the time is right I will be where I am supposed to be!" I know I'm not a dater because when the time is right it will be with someone who is a friend first, someone who knows me and likes me warts and all, someone who I can have a conversation with jumping from subject to subject without running out of things to talk about and comfortable in silence. I'm not in any rush to find that person. Who knows we may already know each other but we just aren't where we are supposed to be yet. Men and women have the same fundamental fears and goals and you know what, in the end we all just want to be loved for ourselves.