“I love, therefore I am vulnerable.”
― Madeleine L'Engle
Over the last few days I've been exchanging texts with my brother. If you know anything about my brother and I this is highly unusual. It's not that we don't love each other but we aren't exactly best friends. We grew up like twins but our lives are very different. Even when we were children we were completely different. We try though. Regardless of any history we are still siblings.
I started the conversation sending him the picture of us with Dad, Grandma and Great Grandma. I told him I was amazed at how much he resembled Dad. Then along the way my Mom happened to post a recent picture of my brother and I did them side by side and there is no denying the likeness. We have shared more this week then we have for a long time.
Tomorrow is the 13 year anniversary of my Dad's journey across the bridge. I'm not the only one who still hurts. I'm not the only one who wishes for more time. I'm not the only one who still feels his love. We may be as different as night and day but we share the same grief just like twins. We just express it in different ways and continue to live very different lives.
I just keep getting the overwhelming sensation that Dad is proud of us for not beating the pulp out of each other but sharing in the stories that formed our childhoods. I may not have been the one who was athletic and on the field at every game but I will always be Daddy's little girl. My brother reminded me of that today. He called me by my Dad's pet name for me, Sweetie. I don't let anyone else use that name and I get upset if you try but hearing it today from my brother was a gentle reminder of the love and life we shared growing up. It was a reminder that somehow my Dad has been able to tell me that he loves me. Just as I know sharing photos of Dad with my brother and letting him know how much of Dad I see him reminds him of the love Dad has for him.
I keep living life forward but it doesn't stop the moments of what ifs. In the drop of the bucket 13 years just doesn't even make a wave. My heart is full of love and joy sharing a surprising bonding moment with my brother. Someday we will only have each other and it really helps to mend the fences of the past. My Dad has to be smiling down with joy. I love you Daddy and miss you everyday. You helped form the person I am today and I don't want to let you down!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
My Greater Self
When you long for blessings that you may not name,
and when you grieve knowing not the cause,
then indeed you are growing with all things that grow,
and rising toward your greater self.~ Khalil Gibran
Growing has happened without even noticing. Today I got all the way to Austin and didn't even realize I had left my engagement ring and wedding band behind. I still wear them on my right hand and sometimes I wear Scott's wedding band too. I didn't go nuts and I didn't freak out. I was just me. I didn't need them. They weren't required for me to keep going.
My mind and heart were to focused on other people in my life. Thinking about, worrying about, caring about and loving others. I have grown beyond my own grief. My heart hurts for others not myself. I've been broken and I'm healing. I have found my feet and my arms to hug my friends. As I was driving my mind wanders into all kinds of thoughts. The loss of my friend from college. The silly crazy things we did as a group. 90210 as a drinking game. Socializing in the office of the Residence Hall because no one wanted to study.
How is it when we get older life seems to change faster then when we were growing up. Life was so much simpler. There was so much less stress but now it is all about what happens to us in our everyday lives. In addition to the normal stresses it has just multiplied. I think the biggest lesson I have learned over my new travels is how important it is to stay positive and ignore the people who thrive on negativity. I've even been trying to do what always works best for me - read for understanding and not take on other's baggage.
"I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them."
I still surround myself with my daily prayer, "Surround me with your light and love. Guide me, protect me and show me the way." Yet today for my two separate groups of friends that need prayers. I took the prayer and personalized it for them. I think the hardest part of learning to live again has been recognizing when I indeed have grown out of my own despair. I'm not so hardened to the world that I'm only focused on my own selfish needs. I know I do so much better when I can reach out and give someone a positive hand instead of allowing someone's negative BS to make my day suffer.
I'm ready to reach out and accept the blessings in my life I have been longing to receive. I am open to accepting what ever my daily prayer gives to me but more importantly to others. We can make it and it will happen because my heart knows the power of love in the here and now.
and when you grieve knowing not the cause,
then indeed you are growing with all things that grow,
and rising toward your greater self.~ Khalil Gibran
Growing has happened without even noticing. Today I got all the way to Austin and didn't even realize I had left my engagement ring and wedding band behind. I still wear them on my right hand and sometimes I wear Scott's wedding band too. I didn't go nuts and I didn't freak out. I was just me. I didn't need them. They weren't required for me to keep going.
My mind and heart were to focused on other people in my life. Thinking about, worrying about, caring about and loving others. I have grown beyond my own grief. My heart hurts for others not myself. I've been broken and I'm healing. I have found my feet and my arms to hug my friends. As I was driving my mind wanders into all kinds of thoughts. The loss of my friend from college. The silly crazy things we did as a group. 90210 as a drinking game. Socializing in the office of the Residence Hall because no one wanted to study.
How is it when we get older life seems to change faster then when we were growing up. Life was so much simpler. There was so much less stress but now it is all about what happens to us in our everyday lives. In addition to the normal stresses it has just multiplied. I think the biggest lesson I have learned over my new travels is how important it is to stay positive and ignore the people who thrive on negativity. I've even been trying to do what always works best for me - read for understanding and not take on other's baggage.
"I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them."
I still surround myself with my daily prayer, "Surround me with your light and love. Guide me, protect me and show me the way." Yet today for my two separate groups of friends that need prayers. I took the prayer and personalized it for them. I think the hardest part of learning to live again has been recognizing when I indeed have grown out of my own despair. I'm not so hardened to the world that I'm only focused on my own selfish needs. I know I do so much better when I can reach out and give someone a positive hand instead of allowing someone's negative BS to make my day suffer.
I'm ready to reach out and accept the blessings in my life I have been longing to receive. I am open to accepting what ever my daily prayer gives to me but more importantly to others. We can make it and it will happen because my heart knows the power of love in the here and now.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Laugh, Play, Live, Love
"Laugh when you can, apologize when you should and let go of what you can't change. Kiss slowly, forgive quickly, play hard, take chances, give everything, and have no regrets. Life is too short to be anything but happy." - a wall plaque in a store
If there were a day where you can't get the words out this would be one of them. I just can't understand how life can end so quickly for so many at young ages. I have words that I just can't get out of my head, so I will list them here and see if helps. Unfair, BS, crap, sucks and most often WHY!!! I wish I could answer the question and I have a hard time accepting but I can do what I do best, believe and live forward. Today a friend from college died this morning. I don't know any details other then there are a whole bunch of people who will miss him greatly and he touched lives everyday in his job as a high school teacher and student council sponsor. The entire lives of a future generation have been touched even into his death.
How do you know when you are where you are supposed to be? You don't until after the fact. I know I was where I was supposed to be today for a friend on the phone. We always seem to be in the right place for each other. Isn't that what a part of life is about? Giving everything to someone who needs you for a few moments in a day. We all impact the lives of each other. There are many things I can't change but I work with the life I have been given and I live forward. I think about both my friends today. One who needed an ear and one who crossed the bridge.
I want to keep giving my life everything I can. I want the people in it to know they matter to me. Life doesn't always go the way we want it. We end up crawling through windows and peeking into those new open doors. I see how that happens each day for me in my choice to live forward. We reach for happiness, kindness and love. Then at some point we have fulfilled our duties on Earth and join the Heavenly Bodies to continue our lessons on another plane. My friend that passed away this morning made a difference in my life. I will always remember the laughter and fun. I'm still at a loss for words as this person had a gift of making others want to be a better person.
I'm also still amazed that I needed the depth of the phone call today before I even knew I needed it. There is a plan for each of us and it happens when we least expect it. My heart was ready to handle the news of the newest Angel in Heaven. I am still at a loss for words to describe how the events of about 45 minutes changed my attitude for the day. Treasure your friends and family. This could be your expiration date. I know I want to leave behind the love I feel in my heart without any regrets. I want to know I made someone else's day as much as they made mine. I want to know I changed a life that I mattered in my time here on Earth.
If there were a day where you can't get the words out this would be one of them. I just can't understand how life can end so quickly for so many at young ages. I have words that I just can't get out of my head, so I will list them here and see if helps. Unfair, BS, crap, sucks and most often WHY!!! I wish I could answer the question and I have a hard time accepting but I can do what I do best, believe and live forward. Today a friend from college died this morning. I don't know any details other then there are a whole bunch of people who will miss him greatly and he touched lives everyday in his job as a high school teacher and student council sponsor. The entire lives of a future generation have been touched even into his death.
How do you know when you are where you are supposed to be? You don't until after the fact. I know I was where I was supposed to be today for a friend on the phone. We always seem to be in the right place for each other. Isn't that what a part of life is about? Giving everything to someone who needs you for a few moments in a day. We all impact the lives of each other. There are many things I can't change but I work with the life I have been given and I live forward. I think about both my friends today. One who needed an ear and one who crossed the bridge.
I want to keep giving my life everything I can. I want the people in it to know they matter to me. Life doesn't always go the way we want it. We end up crawling through windows and peeking into those new open doors. I see how that happens each day for me in my choice to live forward. We reach for happiness, kindness and love. Then at some point we have fulfilled our duties on Earth and join the Heavenly Bodies to continue our lessons on another plane. My friend that passed away this morning made a difference in my life. I will always remember the laughter and fun. I'm still at a loss for words as this person had a gift of making others want to be a better person.
I'm also still amazed that I needed the depth of the phone call today before I even knew I needed it. There is a plan for each of us and it happens when we least expect it. My heart was ready to handle the news of the newest Angel in Heaven. I am still at a loss for words to describe how the events of about 45 minutes changed my attitude for the day. Treasure your friends and family. This could be your expiration date. I know I want to leave behind the love I feel in my heart without any regrets. I want to know I made someone else's day as much as they made mine. I want to know I changed a life that I mattered in my time here on Earth.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Genetics
Family is the most important thing in the world.
Princess Diana
How else do you survive without your family? There are many kinds of family. Those you are born into, those your marry into and the people you choose to claim as your family. I have a great family I was born into and them my chosen family is amazing. I am so very lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful people in my life.
I have been looking for a photo to show Hannah for weeks now. I finally found it. The joy of multi-generational photos from years past. My Mom always talks about my paternal grandmother and how I am the image of her. Over the summer Hannah asked and I found the photo of Grandma Mary, Daddy, Great-Grandma Powers, my brother and I. I scanned it into the computer and showed her the photo. Her first comment was about me as a child! "Oh My! You look exactly the same!" It is funny how the strength of our looks continues across the years. I only hope to continue to age as gracefully as my Grandmother did.
It was a fun moment to show Hannah her history. A history of people I love dearly that she will never know. I was ten when my Grandma Mary died and Hannah was three when her Grandpa died. Not many kids get to sit on a couch cuddled in the arms of your Great Grandmother listening to stories of days gone by and singing songs from her past. Those people are gone physically but they are still very much loved. This week will mark the 13 year anniversary of my Daddy's trip to Heaven. I look in the eyes of my daughter and wish she could have known the man I knew. I do know she is blessed to have my Mom and stepBob in her life.
Today was a day of solitude for me. I try to do things and entertain myself. Today was about reflection and relaxation. I don't know the answers but I do know my life matters because of my family. The most important person in my life is Hannah. Without her I don't know where to go or be. Tomorrow is back to the daily grind. I keep trying to make my life in the simple tasks. It may not matter if I pulled weeds today. It may not matter if I did the laundry or not but spending time with my memories of people who helped shaped me into the person I am today was important. I may have the genes that make me look like Grandma Mary but what I remember was the kindest most gentle lady. I'm sad that I didn't get to spend more time with her like I did my maternal Grandma. I want to be here for my daughter into her journey into the beautiful woman she is becoming. I matter to her and that keeps me going through all of the trials and tribulations.
Princess Diana
How else do you survive without your family? There are many kinds of family. Those you are born into, those your marry into and the people you choose to claim as your family. I have a great family I was born into and them my chosen family is amazing. I am so very lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful people in my life.
I have been looking for a photo to show Hannah for weeks now. I finally found it. The joy of multi-generational photos from years past. My Mom always talks about my paternal grandmother and how I am the image of her. Over the summer Hannah asked and I found the photo of Grandma Mary, Daddy, Great-Grandma Powers, my brother and I. I scanned it into the computer and showed her the photo. Her first comment was about me as a child! "Oh My! You look exactly the same!" It is funny how the strength of our looks continues across the years. I only hope to continue to age as gracefully as my Grandmother did.
It was a fun moment to show Hannah her history. A history of people I love dearly that she will never know. I was ten when my Grandma Mary died and Hannah was three when her Grandpa died. Not many kids get to sit on a couch cuddled in the arms of your Great Grandmother listening to stories of days gone by and singing songs from her past. Those people are gone physically but they are still very much loved. This week will mark the 13 year anniversary of my Daddy's trip to Heaven. I look in the eyes of my daughter and wish she could have known the man I knew. I do know she is blessed to have my Mom and stepBob in her life.
Today was a day of solitude for me. I try to do things and entertain myself. Today was about reflection and relaxation. I don't know the answers but I do know my life matters because of my family. The most important person in my life is Hannah. Without her I don't know where to go or be. Tomorrow is back to the daily grind. I keep trying to make my life in the simple tasks. It may not matter if I pulled weeds today. It may not matter if I did the laundry or not but spending time with my memories of people who helped shaped me into the person I am today was important. I may have the genes that make me look like Grandma Mary but what I remember was the kindest most gentle lady. I'm sad that I didn't get to spend more time with her like I did my maternal Grandma. I want to be here for my daughter into her journey into the beautiful woman she is becoming. I matter to her and that keeps me going through all of the trials and tribulations.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
The Small Parts of the Whole
“I long to accomplish a great and noble task,
but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks
as if they were great and noble.”
~Helen Keller
What are you to do if you know you are doing the best you can do with the small tasks in life? Today was one of those small tasks for me that makes life worth it. Our draft is a great celebration of a man that was loved by many. It just so happened that today we made an impact on a person who made an impact on Scott. We were at Buffalo Wild Wings and a fellow patron asked about our shirts. He was the Head Coach of the football team where Scott went to HS and worked with Scott's Dad. Afterwards I spoke with him briefly and he commented on how Scott was a person so many people like to be around. I have to greatly agree. He made so many feel special but I happen to know a little better then anyone else how big his heart made all his small tasks great and noble.
Tonight I'm sitting in the dark listening to the thunder and watching the lightning. I have moved beyond the deep grief into comfortable quiet. I know I won't be able to stop the moments of longing but I am living. I live in the small moments of my life and the memories I make. I have learned to cherish life and what happens. I try not to rush into and out of the moments. Today I had a great day of activities that make my life complete. Pedi and lunch with a new friend that I enjoy spending time. While we were at lunch my beautiful daughter surprised us by accident and we were joined at our table by Mike and Hannah. It was one of those moments that makes life all the better. It is so hard to explain how priceless that hour of conversation with three wonderful people in my life brightened my day.
Now I had prepared for the day with my change of clothes for the Draft. You see we have developed a uniform. The first year the guys surprised me with t-shirts with Scott's picture on the back. I remember the tears that first year caused and the love I felt for the man who gave us a common bond. They work hard to surprise me each year with a new "party favor." This year was no exception. You see, Scott had this costume that he wore. His favorite outfit was always a t-shirt or polo shirt, jean shorts, white socks past his ankles, tennis shoes and a ball cap. So in our t-shirt and jean shorts they added ball caps to party. It was funny for me because Scott was always trying to get me to wear a cap with my hair in a pony through the back. For some reason that was the look he found "hot!" I could hear him telling me so when I put it on my head and pulled my hair into the pony.
The amazing part of the outfit was the socks. Our closets are separate and I don't have need for his so it more of a storage spot for his stuff, luggage, sheets and such. The other day I went in to his closet to get down sheets for the housekeeper to change the linens and I noticed his sock storage tub was open. I just laughed and closed it. Why would I need to get into the storage container with his socks and such? The next night Matt sent a text and told us to make sure we remembered to wear our Scott "uniform" to the draft. I started laughing and thought I could do one better and wear his socks. I certainly can't fit into his jean shorts! I never knew a pair of socks could bring so much joy when just being silly. I'm not attached to them but it was the memories they brought back. The times when we lived in the moments of small tasks together. Sitting on the bed watching him dress for the day and teasing him about how he put his socks on his feet. Matt making fun of his ankle high socks he always wore. The comfort of routines and "traditions."
Living in the small moments are where I want to be. I know how to make it to the big picture but if you miss the small times then the big picture just doesn't matter. Take the time to laugh with a friend, enjoy a surprise encounter with your daughter and her dad, laugh, joke and yes even a few inappropriate jokes with they guys. These are the moments that make up my life. These are just a piece of a day that forms the big puzzle of my life. A phone call on a Friday at the end of a long week that makes me smile and for an odd reason makes my heart soar, a request to hold my hand and help me through a surprise moment of sorrow, a cuddle in my bed at the end of a busy day laughing at cat videos with Hannah and even the connections across the country with friends because of that new fangled invention - the Internet. I cherish all the small stuff in my life because it makes me whole.
Please remember that life can be gone in an instant and if you don't live in the moments that complete the day it really doesn't matter in the end. I know I want the review of my life to matter because I stopped to smell the roses one last time and found the details in the petals are what made it greater beauty.
but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks
as if they were great and noble.”
~Helen Keller
What are you to do if you know you are doing the best you can do with the small tasks in life? Today was one of those small tasks for me that makes life worth it. Our draft is a great celebration of a man that was loved by many. It just so happened that today we made an impact on a person who made an impact on Scott. We were at Buffalo Wild Wings and a fellow patron asked about our shirts. He was the Head Coach of the football team where Scott went to HS and worked with Scott's Dad. Afterwards I spoke with him briefly and he commented on how Scott was a person so many people like to be around. I have to greatly agree. He made so many feel special but I happen to know a little better then anyone else how big his heart made all his small tasks great and noble.
Tonight I'm sitting in the dark listening to the thunder and watching the lightning. I have moved beyond the deep grief into comfortable quiet. I know I won't be able to stop the moments of longing but I am living. I live in the small moments of my life and the memories I make. I have learned to cherish life and what happens. I try not to rush into and out of the moments. Today I had a great day of activities that make my life complete. Pedi and lunch with a new friend that I enjoy spending time. While we were at lunch my beautiful daughter surprised us by accident and we were joined at our table by Mike and Hannah. It was one of those moments that makes life all the better. It is so hard to explain how priceless that hour of conversation with three wonderful people in my life brightened my day.
Now I had prepared for the day with my change of clothes for the Draft. You see we have developed a uniform. The first year the guys surprised me with t-shirts with Scott's picture on the back. I remember the tears that first year caused and the love I felt for the man who gave us a common bond. They work hard to surprise me each year with a new "party favor." This year was no exception. You see, Scott had this costume that he wore. His favorite outfit was always a t-shirt or polo shirt, jean shorts, white socks past his ankles, tennis shoes and a ball cap. So in our t-shirt and jean shorts they added ball caps to party. It was funny for me because Scott was always trying to get me to wear a cap with my hair in a pony through the back. For some reason that was the look he found "hot!" I could hear him telling me so when I put it on my head and pulled my hair into the pony.
The amazing part of the outfit was the socks. Our closets are separate and I don't have need for his so it more of a storage spot for his stuff, luggage, sheets and such. The other day I went in to his closet to get down sheets for the housekeeper to change the linens and I noticed his sock storage tub was open. I just laughed and closed it. Why would I need to get into the storage container with his socks and such? The next night Matt sent a text and told us to make sure we remembered to wear our Scott "uniform" to the draft. I started laughing and thought I could do one better and wear his socks. I certainly can't fit into his jean shorts! I never knew a pair of socks could bring so much joy when just being silly. I'm not attached to them but it was the memories they brought back. The times when we lived in the moments of small tasks together. Sitting on the bed watching him dress for the day and teasing him about how he put his socks on his feet. Matt making fun of his ankle high socks he always wore. The comfort of routines and "traditions."
Living in the small moments are where I want to be. I know how to make it to the big picture but if you miss the small times then the big picture just doesn't matter. Take the time to laugh with a friend, enjoy a surprise encounter with your daughter and her dad, laugh, joke and yes even a few inappropriate jokes with they guys. These are the moments that make up my life. These are just a piece of a day that forms the big puzzle of my life. A phone call on a Friday at the end of a long week that makes me smile and for an odd reason makes my heart soar, a request to hold my hand and help me through a surprise moment of sorrow, a cuddle in my bed at the end of a busy day laughing at cat videos with Hannah and even the connections across the country with friends because of that new fangled invention - the Internet. I cherish all the small stuff in my life because it makes me whole.
Please remember that life can be gone in an instant and if you don't live in the moments that complete the day it really doesn't matter in the end. I know I want the review of my life to matter because I stopped to smell the roses one last time and found the details in the petals are what made it greater beauty.
Friday, August 17, 2012
The Calm After The Storm
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning."
Louis L'Amour
This week has been an emotional mess for me. I've been reading this amazing book entitled 'Transcending Loss.' It talks about the process of moving on from immediate grief into living a life that is forever changed by the loss of your loved one from our realm of existence. The author explains that we never "get over" the death of someone we love but we learn to assimilate into our new lives loving in a new way. This process starts at the two year mark and continues on indefinitely. If you are in a healthy grieving process you are able to step forward into your life and be functional. I'm not saying you won't have moments to step back into a grief cycle but life is different then it was before or how you thought it would be.
The above quote gives me hope because it makes a connection for me to the book I'm trying to read. Just when others think I'm getting over it or not getting over it, I'm just learning it is the beginning of living my life loving Scott in a new way. I will never stop loving him but our physical life together and his death made me the person I am today. I'm happy with who I am. I may not be the skinny girl I was at 23 but I'm happy with myself. I may miss the physical existence of Scott but that doesn't mean I'm miserable. I do miss being hugged and touched but well after two and a half years I think I might have forgotten how to ride that bicycle. I do know I haven't forgotten how to love.
When I got home this evening I sat in the driveway in what turned out to be a 'grief hit you in the face' moment. It has been a tough week with work stress, ear infection and MS ups/downs. I sat there sobbing when it dawned on me why! Tomorrow is the draft in Texas Gridiron Scott K commemorative league. It matters to me and it matters to the guys. We do this because we all love him and miss him. His death, however, didn't mean the end of our living. Each year we celebrate our friendships in our new teams - a new beginning. Maybe this year I will win.
So as I sat in the drive I texted my sister friend who just so happens to have just finished her training in hypnosis as a licensed counselor. I thank her husband and kids for letting me borrow her tonight She has wanted to gain some more practice and today seemed like the perfect chance. I am so open to the life experiences and the feelings from the other side of the bridge in my daily intuitions that I was willing to try especially if it calmed my emotions. I felt the connection. I heard the words. I heard our code words. I heard him. Stronger then normal. I feel him. Not all the time. I'm not obsessed, just more of 'hi honey, how's your day?' kind of feeling. Tonight was powerful and answered a question I didn't know I had. I could hear him say "You did it for me!," along with a few other things.
I'm not afraid of loving someone else. I have been but I know myself and I know I'm not really looking. I don't need to. A relationship doesn't make me complete, it's would just be a nice benefit to have a bad week and share your craziness with someone who loves you enough to listen but doesn't judge. I know my story of this stage in my life is just beginning. I know I will always remember April 4, 2010 with tears and sadness but that time doesn't get to win. I was told today that I have this inner glow of peace which makes me beautiful. I may not be model thin and athletic but my heart has the capacity to keep loving and living. So tonight let's all raise our glass in a toast to new beginnings, whatever they may be.
And if you can say a few prayers to drafting a winning team this year it might be helpful too!
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