Depression hits home

Today was a rip in my heart overwhelming depression kind of day. I reached out to my friends and family - they came through with overwhelming support. I can't explain what hit me but it did. I cried all morning and then got a phone call, some well placed text messages and Facebook support that walked me through to a smile. Scott always would tell me how much my smile was for him. I would feel down and still be smiling. He was the same way. He was the outgoing one but we both have the same reaching for people to give them hope.

The music on the radio is like a message from him. It happens everywhere and not just with me controlling the station. It happens but one song which I know is on the playlist right now is Rascal Flatts - Unstoppable. Listen to the words! I have the album on my iPhone. We had listened to it multiple times while he was alive before they played it a bunch. Right now I feel like it belongs to us. Then today I was almost home just pulled into the driveway when the Trisha Yearwood song, The Song Remembers When came on the radio. Music is a gift from God, a powerful healer.

Last night I had to deal with a task I'd asked Scott to do over Easter weekend. Clean out the A/C filter. The task is an easy on to do but something we both always put off. Well last night the coils were frozen. So I put it on fan only and let them thaw out. Then it dawned on me that we never did clean out the filter. So here I am with Hannah at 10:30 pm unscrewing the panel on the unit in the A/C closet in the garage. We have one of those spray out filters so we took it outside and cleaned out all the dirt and cat hair. It certainly is working better. Last year when this happened we had an argument over exactly how to do this task. I was telling him the steps and he had to call his Dad to have him tell him the exact same thing. I stood there putting the thing back together and all this came flooding back.

I was chuckling to myself as I did this task. Then today it was painful to think that why did his own list of things to get done have to be so over-powering for him that day? Why did he have to trim the stupid palm trees? He was obsessed with the stupid things! It was something I enjoyed taking care of with him and asked him to wait for me but he kept trimming. I should say they aren't finished. I don't want to touch them right now. I need to finish the pruning it's on the new to do list but I can't get there. Today I'm still sitting.

Yesterday in my book Healing After Loss: Daily Meditation For Working Through Grief talks about grieving the loss of a loved one is like leaving a room where we have been where we have been comfortable and functioning well and enter a new room. In that new room are some of the same people but the room is different and requires a new way of thought to find a different way out. It may be a window or a different door but the old door is closed. I'm looking for that light to keep shining my way. Scott is there with God and my other family and friends gone before him guiding me with their love. I will find the path just not today.

Stress and Health

This morning I woke up with tremors, aches and pains. I gave myself permisssion to stay home and sleep. I've been doing well keeping going but today just was enough. It has been five weeks and it still feels like yesterday that Ryan, Matt, Amy and I stood with the sheriff's deputy exactly in the spot where he went off the road and it still took another 16 hours to find him. I know I need to do things for my health to keep going. So today my body got to do the talking.

I feel his love around me. If you don't believe in the afterlife or have doubts about what happens to our souls when our physical form is done on this earth then you may choose to not read this part. Scott and I both believed in the afterlife and the ability to communicate with our loved ones left behind. God is loving and he wants to continue that love from heaven. Throughout my life I've had experiences that just required faith to believe. When I was young I lost my Grandmother (Dad's Mom). Before my Dad called to tell us three hours away that she passed away, she came to me in my sleep and told me she loved me and goodbye. I woke up before the phone rang. When it did about 10 minutes later it was my Dad telling my Mom she was gone. I now share this with the world for support that things happen that we can't explain. She has been with me my entire life.

Now I feel Scott's presence. He's not always here but there are enough signs to feel his love. I'm open to him being here for us. I have to say I also talk to him just as I do God. His spirit and soul are now part of God's love. I open to signs and dreams from him. For me it's not like the shows on TV where they see the dead and have tasks to do. He is just around and sends his love my way. The other day his sister locked her keys in her car. She'd been complaining about not having him around to pick on her or argue with. My first thought was he was laughing. I had to share with her that was something he regularly was doing. Enough so that not but about two weeks before he died I had to leave work and go up to Wal-mart to let him into his truck.

One of his friend's wife sent me a text not to long ago that this friend had come downstairs wearing a shirt he'd bought when he was with Scott. He was wearing it then because it reminded him of Scott and he was closer to God now maybe he could help that basketball team win! If it were the Cowboys - I'd say absolutely but I didn't have the heart to tell her Scott was a fan of the Spurs not the Mavs. It seems fitting that he passed on during his quiet sports time of the year but on the day before the final four! His life didn't revolve around holidays and family events so much as football and the final four.

His spirit and soul are here for love and support of all of us. I just happen to be the one who shared all the little details in his life. I would often just ask for 20 minutes of quiet to breathe but he had so much to share and give to our relationship. It was as if he was trying to squeeze a lifetime into the time we had together. I know he is here with me recalling all the things we loved and even fought about. I know he forgives my doubts that weren't about our love for each other but outside influences. He will be here to help me move forward because I will forever feel his love and understanding.

Mother's Day

I love my Mom and my wonderful daughter! They both are giving me such fantastic moral support. I don't think I'd be putting one foot in front of the other without them. They let me find my pace. I still don't know what that is but I'm here.

There are so many people who have walked this road. Is there a reason it has to be so lonely? Grief is undeniably painful and there are no answers. I find comfort in others support even if it is just for me to say what is going through my head at the time. Others should know that there are ways to walk through this with support and love. Reaching out and not hiding has been my best way to put one step in front of the other.

I don't know what the future holds. I guess I never really did but we had plans - so many plans! Walking around those plans is gut wrenching. I'm such a planner and coordinator. I don't even want to do to plan. I just want to sit and stare at the computer or the tv! Bills and work don't let me do that. Do you know what it's like to lose your other half of your income in a 36 hour time frame of waiting on your fate. Our relationship wasn't about money but it sure is a factor now.

I'm making cuts and plans are limited. I guess that is one foot in front of the other kinds of activities! We didn't live outside our means. But things that were being put together for our future didn't happen. I will get to where finances don't terrify me once again. But for now when they trigger a panic attack I go to my breathing room and get out there again.

Hannah got me through a trip to Wal-mart on the way home tonight. If that isn't love for me then I don't know what is. I'm glad that Wal-mart has groceries! The grocery store is still there and I think it will be when I'm ready. I've discovered that Scott's tummy was expensive. Yes you know I would rather have his crazy food habits back along with him but I know that isn't happening. I have to someday get off the couch but I know it is ok for right now. My coworkers told me if next year I'm still sitting at my desk and crying every morning at 10 am then they'll kick my rear but for now they'll allow it.

This is very helpful for me to type. I can reach out to others and you can grieve with me or what the hey just ignore me :D

Life's moments

We went to dinner tonight and I can't believe the big void from losing two very important people in my life in less then a year. Grandma and Scott should have been there eating our favorite food - Mexican! We were seated at a table for SIX for just the four if us. I kept thinking about them. Scott got me through the loss of Grandma. He was there for me. It was why we shared so much about what we wanted to be done when our time in our physical form was done. I love them both. I miss them both!


Today the TV programming seems to be controlled somewhere else! It has been Scott's favorite day of things on TV. Two of his favorite movies and then his top actress. The very first movie we saw in the theater together with her in it! I can only smile for those events. I believe in the power of love and things that we can't explain. I'm holding onto these small things as gifts of love. Those things are giving me the power and strength to be here - left behind!

I can make decisions and I'm not sitting around waiting. I'm trying to keep living. I'm making small moments that add up to days and now weeks. I am learning to carry on conversations without crying. I'm learning to show people that talking about Scott is a good thing for me. His personality - fun, friendly, joyous, loving and happy. Strangers didn't exsist for him. We never went to a place he didn't find someone to talk to or that he already knew. He wasn't a grudge holder. He had a gift of forgiveness! If he wanted one this passed on and never forgotten - love each other as if it was time to say goodbye! Smile and love!

Anxiety Attacks

I didn't know what truly that meant until now. I can see how some people could be crippled by these feelings. Let me descibe what I feel! My stomach starts churning, I feel the world closing in and I can't breathe. It could be very paralyzing if I gave in to the feelings. I make myself close my eyes and go to what I call my room. It is a place I recently designed in my head to find peace. It really works for me. I put myself there and take deep breaths for a few minutes to collect my positive engery to get myself going. I then think of positive happy times because we had many. I then have one prayer I say quietly or in my head. The anxiety slowly backs off and then I can open my eyes and try to put one foot in front of the other.

Last night I had grief support group. Two weeks ago I didn't know if I was ready. Now I anticipate being there. I know I'm not the only person to walk this path nor will I be the last but I want to be able to share my pain, struggles and the someday the hope. I'm amazed that I can get myself to a calmer place. The tears are still here, they are very therapeutic but at times not always the right place.

I reach for him and he isn't there. I put the pillows in the bed longways so that our bed doesn't feel so alone and I remember his touch, his smell and look at the picture on the bedside table and tell him I love him. He didn't doubt our LOVE. I don't doubt our LOVE!

A few days ago I was looking for a piece of the pool sweeper in the garage. Our youngest kitty likes to carry stuff around that is plastic. She drops them in her food dish and I try to put them up where she can't find them. The piece I was looking for was, of course, in a little plastic package! I checked the box. I didn't find what I was looking for but found a notecard he had written "I LOVE YOU"! I got a message from him. I can't explain anything about what happens after death but I strongly believe that love continues to surround you.

Pieces of my life, mementos, memories and love are provinding me with guidance. I know I'm not alone in my grief of Scott. So many lives he touched, so many people he changed. His love was great. He gave me love that dreams are made of, a true fairytale. I can never truly find words for our love. He gave me circles of love that I will feel always and forever in my soul.