Anxiety Attacks

I didn't know what truly that meant until now. I can see how some people could be crippled by these feelings. Let me descibe what I feel! My stomach starts churning, I feel the world closing in and I can't breathe. It could be very paralyzing if I gave in to the feelings. I make myself close my eyes and go to what I call my room. It is a place I recently designed in my head to find peace. It really works for me. I put myself there and take deep breaths for a few minutes to collect my positive engery to get myself going. I then think of positive happy times because we had many. I then have one prayer I say quietly or in my head. The anxiety slowly backs off and then I can open my eyes and try to put one foot in front of the other.

Last night I had grief support group. Two weeks ago I didn't know if I was ready. Now I anticipate being there. I know I'm not the only person to walk this path nor will I be the last but I want to be able to share my pain, struggles and the someday the hope. I'm amazed that I can get myself to a calmer place. The tears are still here, they are very therapeutic but at times not always the right place.

I reach for him and he isn't there. I put the pillows in the bed longways so that our bed doesn't feel so alone and I remember his touch, his smell and look at the picture on the bedside table and tell him I love him. He didn't doubt our LOVE. I don't doubt our LOVE!

A few days ago I was looking for a piece of the pool sweeper in the garage. Our youngest kitty likes to carry stuff around that is plastic. She drops them in her food dish and I try to put them up where she can't find them. The piece I was looking for was, of course, in a little plastic package! I checked the box. I didn't find what I was looking for but found a notecard he had written "I LOVE YOU"! I got a message from him. I can't explain anything about what happens after death but I strongly believe that love continues to surround you.

Pieces of my life, mementos, memories and love are provinding me with guidance. I know I'm not alone in my grief of Scott. So many lives he touched, so many people he changed. His love was great. He gave me love that dreams are made of, a true fairytale. I can never truly find words for our love. He gave me circles of love that I will feel always and forever in my soul.