"Wicked" Ways

Eight weeks down out of my measurements of time. It was another step in the progression of things we had planned. The last of the tickets to events were used this afternoon. If you knew Scott in his younger wilder days he was different. He loved being a family man and doing things just the two of us or with the girls. We have been to many live stage performances in the last two years. I tried to get him out with his friends to fish or whatever. Didn't happen. Even fantasy football was me totally involved. We were really not ever very far apart, a couple joined at the hip.

Today's tickets were for Wicked. The only reason we even had a decision to make about attending was the time for the last minute "to do" list for his must have celebration with our friends and family of our love - AKA castle formal wedding ceremony. That date is fast approaching but I'm not thinking about that yet. There is no reason to do anticipatory grief anymore then I already do. We had it all set out and scheduled on our calendar. We had other things to do but this was a gift for Hannah. He would do anything for her. Just like myself and Laynie.

She played the music in the car all the time. He didn't complain - often - he loves his girls and experiencing all kinds of different things in life. We went to the show. The knots in my stomach were horrible. I sobbed the entire show. The worst was the end. The song "For Good" was played at his funeral. He and I had listened to the song many times just the two of us. Even then I would cry and he would hold my hand and tell me how his life had been changed with me in it. His heart was huge. His love is huge. Hannah reached for me. She held my hand. My mother held my hand. Even Hannah's friend who went with us was wonderful and concerned. I did it. I survived the show. Not the way it was supposed to be but I can't change that. I will keep trying to "Defy Gravity" daily and move into where all the memories of him don't cause such immense sadness.

Then I do dumb stuff like cut my finger with a steak knife while cutting a hamburger in half at lunch. The waiter had previously offered to have the kitchen cut it for me but I told him it wasn't a big deal we could cut it up ourselves to share! Have you ever asked for a band-aid in a restaurant? I got a big blue bandaid to wear. A war wound and he would be laughing at me. I'm the accident prone one. When we got home I finally pulled out one of his Easter gifts from the basket he had hidden in the bedroom cupboard! Buzz Lightyear bandaid. I made a step forward. I took something out of his Easter basket. His idea of cleaning was to stuff it in a drawer or a closet in a stack. I opened the box and put it away with the rest of the first aid supplies. It is progress. I'm not going to turn into a hoarder who has to climb over the stuff in the house.

Today not so easy but I had help. I'm still not doing this alone and I couldn't do this alone. I'm not hiding in the house like I want to because I'm not alone. It's a good thing I'm not alone. It makes sense why people die soon after the loss of spouse most especially if they are alone. The one thing I don't like hearing is - "you are still young!" Yes I may be young enough for "another" life but that isn't where I am and not sure if I ever will be. So for today I have my reminder of our love on my thumb. I love you Buzz.