Being an Adult

I'm so tired of life happening. Yesterday I tried to bring a lightness to my self. I tried faking it but it doesn't really work well. It's amazing that it used to work. I could pin a smile on my face and be there. Now not so much. The person I went to for my support is gone. It sucks and that is putting it nicely. When you loose your love, your helpmate, your best friend and confidant the world isn't a very nice place to live. He understood every part of my life. He knew how to walk me through stress at work. The lingo was understood. We could read each others thoughts. We finished each other's sentences. Now I have a bad day and I can't call him or text him. I can look at his picture. I can talk to him and know he hears but it's that physical thing again.

This week has been long. I've needed my partner he would understand my crazy issues. He would calm me down. I'm not saying I don't have support. I'm not saying I can't go into my bosses office and get her help. Thank goodness for that. She is keeping me sane. I'm not saying my staff isn't there. They are and I count these people as my friends. I wouldn't be this far without them! I'm usually the fixer. I may have a meltdown but I do have the ability to be rational. Shocking to myself! It is just frustrating that I'm not handling stress at ALL! I know don't tell me - IT'S OK! I'm my worst enemy.

At Christmastime, we were out of town and Scott's truck was broken into while we were in dinner. The only thing they took was Hannah's computer and with it her iPod. During that time we worked together as a team to console Hannah and Laynie, call the police, call the insurance, and patch up the window enough to drive home in the middle of the night cutting our vacation short. Today Hannah's phone was stolen at school. She knew the rules of keeping it in her locker but she was careless. One of the things that happen but I'm the adult. She did the right thing she let me know right away. I called it and whoever had it tried to pretend like they were her and texted me. If you ever need to know you can disable a phone from your account online. They can't use it! If they did they didn't have much time. The phone had issues anyway so it's not like they got much other then pictures and memories.

I had a meltdown in my office before I got to that point. I had to melt. I work with one of Scott's bestest buds. He can't do much for me, his week hasn't been all that great either but I was able to vent for a moment. I got home and had the "lecture" with Hannah about being responsible. I did the parent thing even though I knew she understood already. I had to make a phone call first to a friend who could ground me. Get me far enough out of my emotions into thinking to fix it. Closer to my normal self.

We have old phones hanging out around here so we headed to the phone store for a new sim card. The guy that helps us is the one that set up our account from the start. He helped us once again. We got it taken care of with his great help. Hannah has a new phone because we had an upgrade available and was less then paying the insurance deductible on her phone and waiting for it to arrive. Even in the store Hannah and I had bonding time. We have always been close but this has given us strength in love. We talked about how in the scope of life it is just stuff and you can't take it with you.

There really is a point that life's lessons and getting through them is overwhelming. I know I had a life before Scott but he was such a bright spot in really a relatively small section that it is hard to see right now. I have other people in my life - Hannah is my bestest but it is a different type of relationship. I have to learn how to be an adult without my partner again and not fear life and tasks that I really do know how to handle. I have events to look forward to and reach for but also regrets to move past. It all works together.